Monday, August 14, 2006

I'm back

Greetings, it's me, Lil' Hater, back from a summer siesta. I just wanted to drop a couple of notes on you before getting back into the swing.

Why Your Team Won't Win the Super Bowl: Redskins Edition (click)...

Without Portis and a running game, it could get ugly, quick. Brunell will be expected to do things that he can't (like win). Welcome to Turnover City. The defense will try to make the big play to overcome a non-existent offense, and get burnt. Danny Snyder will cry. The story pretty much writes itself now...

Portis is upset about all of the preseason games. But think of this. Pretend last night's game was the first in an 18-week season. Portis would miss the first four regular season game, instead of missing four meaningless preseason games. Likewise, Jeremy Shockey's current hangover would have caused him to miss two regular season games instead of two preseason games...

I didn't watch too much of the game, after the injury I went straight to the booze. What I did see was Chad Johnson auditioning for Demolition Man II, with a lame blonde mohawk. That was funny 20 years ago when Dennis Rodman did it...

Also, the announcing crew wasted time later in the game by giving their best "if you were commisioner for a day" idea.

Jesus, these guys are idiots.

Madden: Make the refs full-time employees.

Yeah, because that's really helped the NBA improve the quality of their refs. The laziest, fattest, and most clearly preferential refs in any sport are NBA and MLB refs, specifically because they have job security and get an inflated ego. Terrible idea.

Michaels: Make the season 18 weeks long.

Why - so the Raiders have even more games to play out the string when they're eliminated from playoffs in October? To ensure the a-holes from the 1972 Dolphins never see another undefeated team? Terrible idea. C'mon, that's two more weeks Ricky Williams has to go without weed - not going to happen. This isn't the NHL, with a 11-month long schedule. This is a real sport, Al.

An aside to Al Michaels: It's been 26 years since Lake Placid, you've covered every freaking sporting event since then, and you've said a grand total of zero interesting things since your Miracle Quote. Who else gets a quarter-century free pass for sucking?

Collinsworth: Let's have instant replay for even more plays every game (for pass interference calls).

Uh-huh. We need less 10-minute reviews that end up going in New York's favor no matter what ever week, not more. Terrible idea. We expect more from you, Cris. (Please, reunite with your ghost-writer again.)

Sissy Boy Costas: Eliminate Sudden Death overtime, because it's unfair for the team that loses.

He actually said this. Jesus. Yeah, Bob. maybe we should get rid of the most exciting part of the game, that's just brilliant. How about eliminating scoring so nobody gets their feelings hurt, you sissy! Here's a thought for the team that loses the OT coin flip, and sees their opponent walk down the field and score a field goal: maybe a better option is to either a) play some defense in overtime, or b) win the f'ing game in regulation.

What a moron Costas is. Even Jim Nance isn't as annoying. Maybe. Go back to covering baseball and figure skating, midget. Yeah, that's right, a bobblehead just called you a midget...

Hero of the Week: A-Rod, for his dramatic, ultra-clutch home run yesterday, with two outs in the bottom of the 9th. Oh, wait, his team was getting blown out at that point by the Angels, so his HR meant nothing. But his double-play earlier did mean something. It meant the end of a Yankees scoring threat. That at-bat pretty much epitomizes his choking-dog career.

10 comments:

DAWUSS said...

The NCAA needs to have sudden death overtime as well

Anonymous said...

1972 Dolphins, moron.

Anonymous said...

All the world needs; more haters.

Jimmy said...

I actually like the NCAA overtime more than the NFL version.

Diane said...

No one is more annoying than Jim Nance.

NFL Jennifer said...

Diane, I have two words for you

Joe Buck


Nuff Said.

insomniac said...

The only adjustment that I'd make with the NFL OT system is that I'd have the kickoff go from the 35 yd line rather than the 30.

Drizztdj said...

I got two more words:

Joe Morgan

MLB Jennifer said...

Drizztdj, I couldn't agree more.

Diane said...

Jennifer, drizztdj - ok, so we all have our own personal version of hell - for me it is being near a TV with Jim Nance on-air, and not being to able to reach the Mute button. I will say that the same scenario with Joe Morgan comes close . . .