Monday, July 03, 2006

Lil' Dieter's Round Up

Unlike ESPN's embarrassingly poor soccer-announcing crew, Lil' Dieter has gotten a lot right this World Cup.

Dieter called a Dirty Mexico Sweet 16 loss to Argentina three days into the tournament. Check.

Dieter immediately recognized Deutschland coach Jurgen Klinsmann as a genius while others wanted him fired. My homeboys are now in the semis, thanks to Huntington Beach's finest.

Germany's favorite mean-spirited bobblehead also said Eddie Pope would be exposed as the absolute worst player on Team USA Ford Tundra. Yup. Furthermore, he said that Paulie Shore-look alike Landon Donovan needed to grow a pair, and DaMarcus Beasley needed to stop sucking for their team to win. They didn't, and they lost.

Oh yeah, Dieter also called helped this site's boss pay next month's rent by telling him to bet the farm on underdog Portugal over England. Cha-ching.

Dieter is so goddamned smart that he can talk about himself in the third person.

But, yeah, maybe a few mistakes have been made as the Cup heads to the Final Four. What do you expect, I'm a freaking German bobblehead, after all. I wear a black turtleneck and leather jeans in the summer, for God's sake.

First big mistake: Calling England the best team in the tourney, after the first weekend. Whoops. But to be fair, I only said that to gain favor with hot blogger/soccer babe Flash. (Seriously, Flash, why don’t you return my calls? Didn’t you like the candlelight dinner we had at Der Wiener Schnitzel?)

While we're talking Ingerland, here's a helpful note to England's Wayne Rooney: A good (expletive)-punch or (expletive)-stomp are only acceptable if your opponent is either: a) Duke, b) the Raiders, or c) Mexico. Or maybe A-Rod, too. And speaking of that, it seems like David Beckham and A-Rod are the two biggest choking pretty boys in the history of sports.

My other big-mistake: Calling out France's head coach as the Coach Most Likely to Emulate Norv Turner and Suck. It could still happen, but hey; those Wine-Slurping Surrender Monkeys are in the semi-finals. It's most likely despite their coach, but we're willing to cut him some slack here.

What I actually meant to say though, was to call out France's newest darling, winger Franck Ribéry, as the Player Most Likely to Emulate Norv Turner and Be Hideously Ugly. Seriously ugly.

Achtung! Thank god I haven't watched these games in hi-def, or I'd be building myself a bunker to go shoot myself in.

In any event, hope you enjoy Tuesday's games. That is if you aren't too busy driving each other off the road while celebrating your independence.


Y2Jerichoholic said...

Screw this euro-garbage. We just launched the shuttle into orbit. U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

The Iron Sheik said...

I please to ask the crowd not to chant the USA, USA!