Monday, June 05, 2006

The Post Mortem

It wasn’t a good weekend for the University of Texas. The men’s baseball team (seeded third nationaly) was eliminated from the Austin regional. The women’s softball team was eliminated as Cat Osterman ended her nine-year career at the university. Seriously, it’s as if she was taking remedial classes with Vince Young and managed to extend her college career for nearly a decade. Even Jennie Finch wasn’t able to stick around this long.

Out in Fullerton, the K-DawgKevin Costner—made his appearance at Goodwin Field which means that the ESPN cameras were obviously there. Security was intense as fans lined up deep to demand their money back from Rumor Has It.

Just kidding, nobody saw that movie.

Fullerton does take its law an order seriously. Security was so strict, it wouldn’t have been out of place to see this sign: “Re-elect Sean ‘Kill A Commie’ O’Scanlon—God, Guns and Guts Keep Us Safe From Hippie Nuts.” The security was friendly, kind of like the staff in Roadhouse, just not as personable. Fullerton somehow managed to find enough people with the abrasiveness of Principal Richard Vernon (RIP) combined with the Napoleon complex of a hall monitor.

The only reason CS Fullerton would need this much security would be if Chris Henry was in attendance. Otherwise, it’s just overkill. Like do you really need to shake down the five-year-old carrying a backpack? If the kid is being used to mule in alcohol for his father, so be it. The head of security must have been beaten up a lot as a kid.

  • It seems a right of passage for NFL quarterbacks to fight off rumors that they are gay. (Blame Billy Crystal and his character on Soap.) Carson Palmer is not making it an easier holding functions like this. Even Kordell Stewart would have more sense than that.
  • An American made a splashy debut in the CFL this weekend. Former Chapman quarterback Patrick Josten completed 3 of 4 passes for 50 yards and 1 touchdown for Hamilton.

  • Hmm, Albert Pujols body is already breaking down, eh? That ought to help steroid rumors. Of course, the guy is inching closer to 40 (he has to be at least 38) so maybe this is a case of an older man’s body breaking down.

  • Other celebrities in attendance on Saturday night at Goodwin Field—the sports editor for the local newspaper in Orange County. Heard he was haranguing a writer for the St. Louis Post Dispatch.

AND FINALLY

There are those who will argue that the Simpson have lost something. Nothing could be further from the truth, as evidenced on Sunday night. The NFL was deciding who to award the league’s next franchise to, Los Angeles or Springfield. An elderly blonde announced that she “didn’t kill her husband to take control of his team just to let Los Angeles have another team.” If cartoon shows were NFL quarterbacks, the Simpsons would be Otto Graham and the Family Guy would be Kordell.

6 comments:

Scott said...

Wrong. If NFL cartoons were NFL quarterbacks, The Simpsons would be Vinnie Testaverde. Both had a lot of potential and were decent in the mid 90s, but Jesus Christ, hang it up already.

Conrad Bain said...

And The Family Guy would be TJ Rubely... bumbling, third-rate tomato cans who had no business even being on the field.

Meeno Peluce said...

Oh, Conrad Bain is going to trash a TV show? Is it a coincidence that all of the kids you worked with on Strokes became strung out, suicidal criminals? Dana is dead and the other two might as well be. You were the only common thread in their lives. You touched those kids, Bain. You molested them then told them you'd kill their families if they told anyone. Don't think I don't know. You're gonna burn, Bain.

T.J. Rubley said...

Come on, people! It was one interception! Can't you guys let it go?

Conrad Bain said...

Gentlemen. Everyone here who's nailed Rula Lenska, raise your hand.

(The Bain raises hand, chuckles haughtily)

The Double G said...

Don't push your luck! I am tracking this site everytime you mention my paper. You are going to go down!!