Monday, June 26, 2006

MexiCHOKE

Fans of Mexico’s national soccer team, much like Raiders fans, are among the most delusional in all of sport. Yet, not as smart though just as ugly. And believe me, my country produced Steffi Graff and even I would not go out with a fan of Mexico’s soccer team. The mustaches are too thick—and that’s just the women.

For the Raiders, one win in early September against the Texans has their fan base booking their Greyhound tickets for the Super Bowl.

Confusion eventually arises for Raider nation in late February when their team is nowhere to be seen near the big game (this is the hidden reason why Super Bowl Sunday is often cited by women’s support groups as the day in the year more domestic violence is committed than any other - apoplectic Raider fans often turn on their ladies that day when they sober up long enough to realize their team was eliminated from playoff contention in October).

Likewise, Mexican fans were roused from their siestas earlier this month when their overrated team had to come from behind to beat an embarrassingly poor Iranian (they play soccer?) side, in their first World Cup Match.

Based on this one meager win, victory parades were planned, piñatas were beaten, and certain fans who made their way to Germany jumped over the remnants of the Berlin Wall in joy. Or for practice.

But then Mexico and went out and were fortunate to tie a short-handed Angola team. Angolan players may or may not have shown up for the game with soccer shoes, we’re still looking into this.

And then Mexico got their asses handed to them by a Portugal team with nothing to play for, but they still snuck into the Round of 16 because they were undeservingly placed in the worst group in the tournament.

And in the knockout round … Mexico lost, just as I said it would happen a couple weeks ago. Outclassed by the classless Argentineans, 2 to1. But hey, give Mexico credit, they held the lead in the game for almost four minutes. And, to be fair, they were the better team for the first six minutes of the match. Kind of like how the Raiders were better than the Buccaneers in the opening minutes of Super Bowl XXXVII.

So, to recap, here’s Mexico’s World Cup in Review: One near-loss against an awful Iran team, one embarrassing tie, and two beat-down losses. And they were the first (and only) of the eight #1 seeds in the Cup to get kicked out early, too (was Mike Kzshexvsksky their coach?).

That, my friends, is a Raider-like tournament.

4 comments:

Soccersucks said...

Homo

Rocksteady said...

Love this post Lil' Hater.

Horus said...

Yeah, the U.S. did sooooo much better. riiighht...

NFL Adam said...

Uh, Dieter is German.