Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Running Diary of the Arsenal vs. Barcelona

Evidentially there is some huge soccer match going on in Europe, something that has a lot of people (like our friend Flash) really excited. If it is a sporting event this big, we might as well break out a running diary, which tends to be all the rage these days.


45:00 – The team in stripes has the ball. The one short guy passes to another guy. He passes it back to the guy. That guy now passes it to another guy. He passes it to another guy.

44:00 – Uh, more of the same.

43:00 – Still nothing happening. But the dude with the hair (pictured) is doing some Joakim Noah deal. Maybe he will blow kisses into the crowd.

42:00 – The other team has the ball. They kick it deep. Some dude in stripes hits it with his head. He passes to another guy on his team, and so the cycle continues.

40:00 – Somebody actually makes their way past center court/field/pitch. It may be the first time this has ever happened. Ever.

39:00 – Wait a minute, does soccer start at 00:00 and work its way up? No wonder nobody in this country watches soccer. Why not just use the metric system to keep score?

36:00 – Some dude is lying on the ground. He could be dead. He is carried off on a stretcher. They have him loaded up in a ambulance.

35:55 – The guy who left on the ambulance is back in the game. He takes a shot and misses a great scoring chance—he came within 80 yards of the goal.

20(something) – Holy lord, somebody scored a goal! Why is it anytime somebody scores in soccer it looks like an accident?

Halftime – Arsenal leads 1-0. In football terms, the Arsenal are in the middle of a route just like the 49ers in Super Bowl XXIX. Uh oh, Barcelona is replacing its key personnel position guy with Frank Reich. This could get interesting after all, but it would take a miracle to overcome this daunting deficit.

UPDATE

45:00 – Totally not going for that ridiculous running clock thing. But the team with the stripes is controlling the ball right now.

43:00 – Somebody hits the post. Ha, wanker.

42:00 – Somebody mentions that the Arsenal haven’t allowed a goal in like 20 games. Normally this would be a jinx. But 20 games without a goal is like a pitcher pitching a scoreless inning.

Or at least two-thirds of an inning.

36:00 – ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZz

25:00 – Heard there was some obscure rule where if you are trailing with like 20 minutes left, the team behind gets to use their hands.

20:00 – A lot of close chances—Barcelona almost crossed midfield.

14:00 – Oh my God, goal! We are witnessing the biggest comeback in the history of professional sports. Forget the Music City Miracle, the Holy Roller, and others. This could be the greatest comeback of all-time.

Some time later – You have to be kidding. Barcelona now has the lead. To put this in terms for people who watch sports, this is like the Birds falling behind 70-0 in the Super Bowl, and coming back to win. Unbelievable.

0:00 – There is no time left on the clock (90:00) and they are still playing. What do they think this is, the 1972 Olympic basketball game between the United States and the Soviet Union?

0:00 – Alright, the just kind of stopped playing. That’s lame. Is this over? Barcelona wins, evidentially. It’s kind of like that one second that is still floating out there from Super Bowl XXXVI.

Oh well, so Spain wins this thing. Are they the new World Cup champs? That went quick. But this was easily the greatest comeback in sports history.

7 comments:

PelelicksPeepee said...

This is the truth and brilliant and hilarious.

mutoni said...

that was awesome, adam.

i tried watching that game today, but it was too painful to bear. judging from your running diary/live-blog, i didn't miss much.

it would be interesting (and likely hilarious) to see how a person from overseas would live-blog an NFL game.

Zach Landres-Schnur said...

that extra time in soccer is pretty fucked up...i mean, they just play and at some random point, the ref calls it? europeans. go figure.

Rocksteady said...

I'm shocked that you even put soccer on this blog. And this coming from a soccer fan.

Lil Hater said...

Lil Hater is a Big-Time fan of the Arsenal, and is not pleased. Don't make him get all hooligan on your ass. (Other famous Arse fans: The Sex Pistol's Johnny Rotten, Pakistan resident Osama Bin Laden, and that Dutch, monkey-eating Sloth Bear).

His German cousin, Lil Dieter, is not happy either. The ref gave the red card to the Arse's German goalie because he was jealous of his Teutonic good looks.

American sports nerds calling soccer boring -- lame, and tired. Anyone who can watch 5 minutes of baseball, hockey, or celebrity dancing on tv without poking their eyes out has no right to complain about anything being boring, ever.

Even the MF'ing Bish's hasn't gone to that bag of tricks since the late 70's. (His fresh lede back in the day: You had to have seen Pele in his NASL prime to truly understand the beauty of the game...).

ehudadams said...

for someone who doesn't think Bill Simmons is funny, you sure don't mind taking his idea of a 'running diary'...

NFL Adam said...

glad you recognize the idea of a spoof.