Orange County Register columnist Steve Bisheff’s work ethic makes Bud Grant seem diligent by comparison. Bisheff likes to mail in a column periodically, a collection of non-sequiturs he calls “opinions.” These are only insipid views, but at least they are his.
As Conrad Bain’s assistant said, “It makes the case that something can be so awful that it begins to become appealing. Like Ah-Ha’s Take on Me. And he waits to make his takes until the perfect time for it to be annoyingly late, but not a moment later.”
To be as bland as the Bish is an art form. But we’ll take a shot right here in a new quiz called “Guess the Bish Take.” We’ll cover a couple of different subjects, see if you can guess which unimaginative take comes from your six-figures-a-year columnist.
Subject: The Angels
a. The Angels are making the same mistake with Casey Kotchman that they did with Dallas McPherson. Namely, they are batting him too low in the order and not protecting him behind the Angels big bats.
b. Once Kotchman relaxes and regains the stroke he has demonstrated at every stop on the way to the majors, he'll be fine.
c. It’s shame the Angels didn’t keep Troy Glaus or Bengie Molina. Maybe they should keep that in mind the next time they want to rush Brandon Wood of Howie Kendrick to the majors. Dallas McPherson was a can’t miss prospect, too.
Answer: b. This was an easy one. Both a and c contained insight that you would expect from a columnist. Bisheff’s answer is the kind of insight typically reserved for soccer moms.
Subject: The Dallas Cowboys
a. Terrell Owens and Bill Parcells, huh? What's the over-under on that inevitable explosion, the second day of training camp?
b. Terrell Owens and Bill Parcells, huh? They should call them the Odd Couple.
c. Terrell Owens and Bill Parcells, huh? The Tuna might not find T.O.’s act fresh.
d. Terrell Owens and Bill Parcells, huh? Shouldn’t I have commented on this when this happened weeks ago?
Answer: a. And the Bish prides himself on being timely.
Subject: Brett Favre
a. Brett Favre’s new nickname should be Gary Hart, because this retirement stuff is nothing but a bunch of Monkey Business.
b. To really understand Brett Favre, you should have seen him when he was a rookie with the Falcons.
c. Brett Favre is taking more time than some politicians to make this decision of his. The great team player isn't helping the team by delaying notice of whether he intends to keep playing. So much for the Packers coming first.
d. Seriously, Brett Favre jokes? Hasn’t this been done to death?
Answer: c. Seriously, timely.
Subject: Reggie Bush
a. Reggie Bush is likely to go No.1 overall to the Houston Texans in the NFL draft.
b. Reggie Bush won the Heisman Trophy.
c. Reggie Bush played for USC.
d. Hot dogs are good.
Answer: a, but at least d is an opinion
a. Canadian Boxing Day has nothing to do with boxing. Who knew?
b. Kids today never got to see Gerry Cooney. That’s too bad.
c. Most of the kids today don't know anything about Sugar Ray Robinson. That's too bad.
Answer: c. “That’s too bad.” Way to sum that up. Luckily, Bisheff qualified that statement by saying he was the best boxer he ever saw. Yeah, right. Like he saw Sugar Ray Robinson box. Robinson retired in 1955. Unless the Bish is 70, he didn’t see him fight.
a. I know it goes against the grain, but I think the Clippers can make some noise in the playoffs.
b. It’s hard to pick against San Antonio and Detroit. Plus, I wouldn’t be surprised to see the Clippers revert back to form.
c. Don’t look now, but Jerry West has the Grizzlies in the playoffs. Almost a bigger feat than winning all of those titles with the Lakers. They are my pick in the West.
Answer: b. Like he would ever pick anything other than chalk.
Subject: USC Football
a. USC coach Pete Carroll made an interesting choice installing John David Booty at the top of the depth chart going into fall practice. But those in the know believe that Mark Sanchez will be starting when the Trojans play in the Fiesta Bowl.
b. USC might have a lack of depth at running back, but many felt the same way when Hershel Dennis went down the first time.
c. USC's coach (Pete Carroll) arrived at the Trojans' final spring news conference wearing flip-flops.
Answer: c. Six figures for this insight.
Final question: Who, according to Steve Bisheff did Jack Nicklaus engage in legendary battles with during the glory days of golf?
a. Colin Montgomery
b. Tom Watson
c. Lanny Watkins
d. Tom Watkins
The answer is d., Tom Watkins. That is what was printed in the paper on Tuesday. Not that The Hater Nation does not make its mistakes. But this shows that The Bish is so demanding about his copy, people are afraid to edit it. The Bish’s ego hurts the hard-working boys on the desk. What a jerk.