Lil' Hater Revisits Old Friends
New San Francisco 49ers offensive coordinator Norv Turner is scared and confused.
With the Washington Redskins acquiring wide receiver Brandon Lloyd from the 49ers last week, Norv’s new team is left going into next season without its best offensive player.
Actually, Norv’s new team is now left without any good offensive players, period.
“Dear Lord, what am I going to do now?” Turner is believed to have said in between bouts of heavy sobbing last weekend.
“My whole coaching philosophy has been to ignore my team’s best offensive weapon, especially when the game is on the line,” Turner continued to moan, like a little girl, his crater-like face turning an even brighter color of red.
“I ignored Stephen Davis and the running game in DC, and put the game in the hands of dopes like Gus Frerrote. I did that for seven straight years. Then I totally under-used LT, the best running back in the league, when I was in San Diego. In my last game in Miami, I made Ricky Williams a decoy, and let Jay Fielder keep us out of the playoffs. Jay Fielder. Total genius that was.
“And in my piece de resistance, rather than just using him as a decoy, I often left Randy Moss on the sidelines altogether during big plays in Oakland. That was sweet.
“I was really looking forward to ignoring Brandon Lloyd next year. But now he’s gone,” blubbered Norv.
Last year Lloyd had his best NFL season, recording 48 receptions for 733 yards with five scores, despite being stuck with some truly awful quarterbacks. In 45 games with San Francisco, he had 105 catches for 1,510 yards and 13 touchdowns
Lloyd was traded to Washington in exchange for a 2006 third-round and 2007 fourth-round draft pick. The deal, combined with the rest of this year’s annual free-agent shopping spree by owner Dan Snyder, puts Washington approximately $7.2 billion over the salary cap for next year.
After regaining some semblance of composure, Turner said he would find a way to regroup.
“We’re going to have a good, spirited mini-camp and preseason,” Norv said, wiping tears off his face. “By the time the regular season rolls around, we’ll have identified our best player, I can assure you that.
“And by golly, I’ll do my best to not give that player the ball. You have my word on it.”
Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums. Jerks.