Thursday, March 16, 2006

The Duke Nasty File

I hate Duke. I really do. If I would have pulled up to that ditch that Bobby Hurley was laying in, I probably would have left him for dead. Nah, I would have pulled a “One Flew Over the Coo Coo’s Nest” and just finished him off. He would have been better off.

This year’s team is even more despicable than most. So that is why I’m stealing a bit from Mad Magazine called the Nasty File. This is a comprehensive look at Duke and some good fodder to throw around while you are watching those jerks not cover in the first round. So here is Lil' Haters Nasty File one Duke:

J.J. Redick (Manning) likes poetry. Here’s a haiku:

Archie Manning’s child
Referees give him love, but
Always fails in clutch

Redick reminds me of that dip(expletive) in those ITT commercials who talks about his poetry being more introspective. That might be a good alternative for Redick who clearly won’t pan out in the NBA. (More on that in a minute.)

Greg Paulus is quite a little (female dog). Did you see him on Sunday against Boston College? Guy took a swing at the Eagles Louis Hinnant and then he ran and hid behind Redick (Manning). What an a-hole. He is like one of those frat boys who keeps his mouth shut until Ogre shows up and then the little smart mouth gets awfully brave. Just check him out after he swings at Hinnant. Paulus walks away from him until Redick (Manning) holds him back. Then Paulus suddenly turns into Red Foxx, screaming “Hold me back!” What a (kitty cat).

Have you ever noticed that Sheldon Williams (right) looks like he was meant to be born retarded, but God changed his mind midway? As a consolation he was made to be good in basketball. Unfortunately he squandered all of that talent at Duke.

Seriously, what is up with Coach K's hair? It's Gene Keady-bad. It's Bish-level bad.

Why is Coach K's normal facial _expression akin to one who has just smelled a really bad fart? Do his assistant coaches really reek that bad? Other than their coaching record, that is.

Other than the Baylor coach who tried to cover up a homicide, the scummiest college coach in recent memory has been, hands down, Quinn Snyder, Duke alum. Not suprising, he learned all he knew from Coach K. Once you don't have the teflon shadow of Cameron to protect you, the truth comes out.

Has one Duke player that's gone to the NBA ever come close to exceeding, or even just meeting, expectations? Think about this. Laettner, Hill, Hurley, Jason 'Harley' Williams, Deng, Battier, whoever, they've all been huge dissapointments. (Don't try to bring up Elton Brand. He is a Clipper, and hasn't done a damn thing until this year, when he got Casell, Kaman, etc).

Yet they were all stand-out, can't miss McDonald's All Americans out of high school. And they all had their balls washed for them throughout college by Nance, Packer, Vitale and all the refs. But once they couldn't be sheltered, they were found out as frauds. They sucked once they went pro.

What does that mean? It means that 4 years (or less) of coaching from the "great" Coach K turned them from the consensus, absolute best of their age groups (in high school) to mid-level professionals in the NBA. That's right - he made them worse. Could you imagine how he would have wrecked Kobe's career?

Compare that to Dean Smith, Wooden, Bobby Knight. It's not pretty.

So there you go. You are all set to watch Duke’s game today. Feel free to add your own in The Hater Nation Forums. Or don't. I already got paid!


Anonymous said...

Sorry...not a true haiku. Haikus MUST mention the season....and no, I didn't go to Duke, and I too call him JJ Manning.

duke fan said...

to even call jj a choke is stupid he might of had a few bad games this year but who doesnt in ever big game that duke had this season who was leading in points i think it was jj