I Lil' Hater would like to officially throw my plastic helmet into the ring to be considered the next head coach of the Oakland Raiders. A lot of my friends have told me that it would be career suicide to hold Al Davis' drool bucket under his chin. I would say that opportunities to be a head coach (even if it means playing the folly to the whole Weekend at Al’s plot) don’t come very often. And slumming here is tiresome.
It's not like there is a long line to be the head coach, either. They are talking to Art f’ing Shell. Where has he been? Somebody better tell Art that Bo Jackson isn't playing for the Raiders anymore. This saddens me that the Raiders would have to go to its fall-back girl. You remember, the girl you would ask to the prom only if you couldn't get the girl you wanted. Art Shell is the fallback girl. That would then make Mike Martz the slut that nobody wants to sleep with but that’s just me. So much for the greatness of the Raiders. Nobody wants to coach this team. Well except me, of course. Here are my credentials:
If hired, I will DOUBLE the number of conference victories from the previous regime. That's right, Lil’ Hater guarantees 4 wins out of every 12. As an added bonus, I vow to beat a division foe no later than the year 2009! That would ensure a 5-11 season, which would be well received in Oakland.
Lil' Hater also will not ignore the team’s best player in crunch time. Lil' Hater has even devised a scheme to get said player the ball by throwing it to him.
Forget stretching the field with the vaunted Raider's "vertical passing game." If hired, I will devise the first ever "subterrainian offense". I will build secret tunnels under the field at the Mac, to use for big plays whenever needed. I got this idea from watching game film, and Hogan's Heroes.
If you ask me, Lil' Hater seems like the best option. Be honest, what would sell better, Chuckys or Lil' Haters? The choice is obvious. Endorse me in the Hater Nation Forums.