Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Caption Time

Barry Bonds has officially stepped into the realm of Dennis Rodman with this current stunt. And yes, that is Barry "Freaking" Bonds. The guy who might become the all-time leader in home runs was caught impersonating Paula Abdul in a rookie skit.

You see, Bonds really does hate his teammates.

Notice, as pointed out by DeadSpin, that Bonds does not need fake breasts to pull this off. Of course, one of the side effects of steroids is a phenomenon known as "bitch tits."

Come up with some captions (some that do not include the Williams sisters though). Check out more photos in the Hater Nation Forums.

You Never Know When…

...You might be surrounded by Redskins.

It's a famous line from Tom Landry's American Express Card commercial years ago. It's sage advice that two Cowboys — Troy Aikman and Roger Staubach – should have heeded.

The two Dallas legends have founded a NASCAR racing team, Hall of Fame Racing. Both guys struggled in their early days in the NFL. The Cowboys went 1-15 in Aikman's rookie season (Steve Walsh won the game) and Staubach spent two years* on the bench before getting his chance. So it's fitting that Hall of Fame Racing was fined and stripped of points for using an illegal carburetor in its initial race at Daytona.

The funny thing is who supplied the illegal part – Joe Gibbs. Was the current Redskins coach, who was driven out of the league, playing a rookie prank on the Cowboys duo? Gibbs sent out a press release claiming it was an accident. But it's not hard to imagine Gibbs having a laugh about this at Redskins Park saying, "Those two dumb sons of bitches. The only thing dumber than a Raider is a Cowboy." And then Dan Snyder lights a $100 bill on fire just to celebrate.

Is this enough to get us into NASCAR? Probably not, but state your case in the Hater Nation Forums.

*It was incorrectly noted earlier that Staubach spent five years on the bench. The former Heisman winner spent five years in the Navy before joining the Cowboys. He assumed the starting job in 1971 and led the Cowboys to victory in Super Bowl VI.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Life Imitating Art

Bob Uecker describes a villainous Yankees pitcher (as if they were any other kind) in the movie Major League by saying, "He once threw at his own kid at a father-son game." It has apparently come to fruition.

Roger Clemens allowed a homerun in his first pitch in a simulated game against Houston Astros minor leaguers. The next time, the batter was given a pitch, high-and-tight. Only the batter was his son, Koby Clemens.

The younger Clemens took the attempted beaning in stride, and even broke his bat on the next pitch. But that is when the whole situation turned surreal as Roger retrieved part of the bat and threw the splintered wood back at his son. That touched off a benches clearing dust-up as the father grabbed his son in a headlock and started hitting him on the top of the head. Roger actually reached back and clock Astros manager Phil Garner during the melee.

Alright, that last paragraph was made up, but you kind of believed it, huh?

You can read more by clicking here.

Rice Lets Down Fans Again

Dancing with the Stars was set up perfectly for Jerry Rice, just like his NFL career – stand around, barely move, and let your talented teammate carry you to a Super Bowl championship. It was a formula that worked well for Jerry as he won four titles in San Francisco. But losing to the boy-band guy on ABC's reality hit must have brought back memories of Super Bowl XXXVII for the NFL’s greatest receiver since Don Hutson.

Jerry (for reasons unknown) was able to waltz past the far more talented Stacy Keibler to advance to the finals, despite having moves that made last year's winner Kelly Monaco look like Gene Kelly. (And be honest, Rice doesn't look as good topless.)

Ultimately Nick Lachey's brother proved to be too tough of an obstacle must like the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Odds are Rice took the rejection well as he excused himself for a "deep tissue message."

What is funny is that Rice was always praised for not hot-dogging and doing end zone celebrations. Who is laughing now? Rice wasted all of that valuable practice time. Terrell Owens is going to be well prepared when he decides to make a run at this show. If they really wanted a legitimate NFLer to participate in this contest, they should have looked no further than Jon Gruden.

Check out this dude’s dance moves.

Burn, baby, burn.

Disco Inferno

Burn, baby, burn

This bit's not funny anymore.

Burn, baby, burn, Disco Inferno!

And bring it home with a pose, Jon!

Sign this guy up. Talk about it further in the Hater Nation Forums, voted America's best by the Association of Bad Toupe Wearing Sportswriters.

Beat LA

Finally broke down and watched a full NBA game on Friday night. And by full NBA game that means tuned in for the fourth quarter — just missed the Clippers amazing 16-0 run that put away the Lakers in the third quarter. It is still too early, however, to claim the Clippers are the kings of Los Angeles. Still, it's odd to see the Clippers as the team pulling off great trades and getting poised for a playoff run. It was not unusual to hear a MVP chant rain through the rafters of the Staples Center. It was surreal that it was an endorsement of the Clippers Elton Brand.

Hey, why not?

But this is the Clippers, so you know something bad had to happen. And it came when Chris Kamen injured his ribs when King Kong Bundy ran out from the back and “splashed” him into the steel ring posts. But that’s the Clippers – the Al Bundy of the NBA. (And seriously, have we ever seen Kamen and Hulk Hogan's hair in the same place at the same time? Watch it the next time you see it. Nothing has us more excited about the NBA playoffs than Kamen's do being on national television.)

The Lakers though, wow, that's one bad basketball team. Kobe gets a lot of well-deserved grief about his shooting and he should – he doesn't shoot enough. The Lakers took 77 shots on Friday night, and Kobe only took 29 of them. You would have to figure that Kobe needs to take at least 50 for the Lakers to win. Lamar Odom is the biggest waste of a basketball player since Derrick Coleman. And Kwame Brown? Garbage. Both players are so bad, you figure they will be on the New York Knicks roster by next year.

This reminds us of why we would rather spend our time watching Dancing with the Stars on a Sunday night instead of watching that epic Lakers vs. Celtics battle. And Wally Szadhfkljnak is one the Celtics now? That's fitting.

If you want more NBA talk head to the Hater Nation Forums, monitored everyday by the editors at the Orange County Register.

Friday, February 24, 2006

The World Would Be Better Off Without You

Hopefully this will become a regular feature. But we keep up with recurring features here about as well as the Sports Dork does; so don’t hold your breath. Take The Last and Ten for instance. But we’ll give this a shot. And seriously, there won’t be any super obvious subjects, either. Alex Rodriguez, Bin Laden, and Eli Manning are too easy. We will work hard to unearth a good one. And if we can't, we'll just call Lil' Hater.

So this will be the inaugural run, so get ready to make history. Our first guest of dishonor:

Jackie Slater

Forgive us if we go Steve “The Bish” Bisheff on all of you, but we remember Jackie Slater as the hulking offensive lineman who was larger than life when he came to Canyon High of Anaheim to play basketball against the faculty. Slater was one of the real Los Angeles Rams. A guy who played in the Coliseum and every season with the club in Anaheim.

That is what makes the end so disappointing. Slater should have done the honorable thing and retired after the Rams folded following the 1994 season. Instead he played for Georgia Frontiere’s franchise in St. Louis. It was the biggest sell-out move in sports that would not be matched until Rob Van Dam showed up on WWF RAW in 1997. It was like hearing that your wife was leaving you and taking your most dependable friend with you. The one you counted on for most of your young life. Our earliest memories off the NFL started in the late 1970s, Slater's first years with the Rams. He was a member of the team until we were almost graduated from college. But that wouldn't stop him from twisting the knife into the backs of Rams fans.

Compare Slater with the members of the Baltimore Colts who will not associate with the Indianapolis Colts. Tom Matte, Johnny Unitas, and Art Donovan all turned their backs on the Colts franchise. Heck, Matte does color commentary for the Baltimore Ravens on the club radio's broadcast. That is how you react. These guys were pissed. Slater not only gleefully went with the new franchise, he also allowed himself to be into that stupid St. Louis Ring of Honor.

And if that wasn’t bad enough—Slater was hired as the offensive line coach for the Oakland Raiders. A job is a job, but there are just some jobs you shouldn’t take.

So Jackie Slater, the world would be a better place without you.

Chad Cordero: Juiced

Barry Bonds won’t play in the World Baseball Classic because he can’t quit steroids. (Allegedly) Washington Nationals pitcher Chad Cordero not only will play in the WBC, but he even swore off the steroids.

Or at least Albuterol.

The former Cal State Fullerton closer hasn’t used his inhaler the past two months because the Albuterol he takes is considered a banned substance by the WBC. It seems the international baseball is a little bit tougher on steroids than Bud Selig could ever hope to be. But isn't this going a little over-board? David Wells could show up and pitch drunk, but the WBC would allow Cordero to die on the mound because of an asthma attack.

While other major league players have balked at playing for their country because of various ailments or other reasons, Cordero has been out their laboring to breath in order to represent his country.

"This is a huge deal to be able to play for your country," Cordero told the Washington Times. "That's why I've sacrificed taking the medicine that I need because being able to play for the USA is something you may never have a chance to do again."

Cordero gets it. Then there is Bonds. Check out what the engimatic slugger had to say on his website.

“The obvious objections were about my health and whether or not I would be ready to play. In the end, I decided that I can't take any chances that might jeopardize my season. I don't want to give the impression that the WBC is not important. I know this means a lot to showcasing our sport worldwide, and the patriotism of playing for Team USA would have been a great honor. I feel what is best for me, my family, the Giants, and our fans is that I sit the WBC out.”

Of course Barry comes first. Typical. The guy can try to hide behind his family but you know that he is not going because he can't use his "inhaler." (Allegedly)

To read more about Cordero you can click here. Bag on Bonds in the Hater Nation Forums.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Dust in the Brees

The Chargers are seemingly content to let Drew Brees walk away as a free agent. The two schools of wisdom advocated by the media and experts is that the Chargers either has its head up its (expletive) or they are just (expletive) stupid.

Yes, how could the Chargers be so stupid to give away a quarterback of Brees caliber? This guy could go on to be the next John Friez or something. It seems ridiculous that the Chargers could let go of a quarterback that has won some many playoff games and won so many MVP awards.

Oh wait; Brees hasn't won any of those things. The legend of Brees has rivaled Paul Bunyon in the past couple of days since the Chargers announced that they would let him test the free agent market. But let's be realistic here. Brees is not among the top echelon of quarterbacks in the NFL which includes Tom Brady, Peyton Manning and Ben Roethlisberger among others. But the media is acting like the Chargers are getting rid of Joe Montana in his prime.

Brees is what he is, a good quarterback but nothing special. If you really want to stump a Chargers fan, ask him to recall the game where Brees put the team on his shoulders and willed them to a victory. That happened about as often as Kerry Collins willed the Raiders to a victory. Or Art Shell out-coached somebody.

Brees reached the Pro Bowl in 2004 but he did it against some of the weaklings in the NFL. Brees went 10-0 against teams at or below the .500 mark. He was 2-5 against teams with winning records as Chad Pennington (who also could become available) and the Jets bounced the Chargers from the playoffs.

Yeah, it is getting harder to understand why the Chargers would let this guy walk. The Chargers know what they are getting in Brees. He is a good quarterback that will put up decent numbers. But has anything that he has done in the past two years shown you that he will lead this team to the Super Bowl? Brees has always come off as a Pat Haden-type of quarterback. Successful but unspectacular. (Of course the Rams reached the only Super Bowl in club history when Vince Ferragamo replaced Haden.)

It's time to give Phillip Rivers a chance to prove why the Chargers considered him the best quarterback in the 2004 NFL Draft. Brees has taken the Chargers about as far as his bum shoulder could take them. It's time to see what Rivers can do. It is similar to the situation the Bengals were in a couple of years ago when they benched Jon Kitna in favor of Carson Palmer. It's kind of hard to argue with that move now, even though many thought the Bengals were nuts for doing it.

If the Chargers had put Rivers on the bench again, you would have to figure that they had their heads up their (expletive) or they were just (expletive) stupid.

Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Bill Gramatica: Model Teammate

Kicker Bill Gramatica is still making friends be it the NFL or the Arena Football League. Unfortunately for Bill, he is only making friends with the opposing team. He is best remembered for injuring his knee while landing awkwardly after jumping to celebrate a field goal against the Giants while playing for the Arizona Cardinals in 2001. Gramatica played in one game for the Miami Dolphins in 2004.

Old Bill is back up to his tricks again. Gramatica is currently kicking for the Tampa Bay Storm of the AFL and had a chance to defeat rival Orlando in overtime on Sunday. But Gramatica missed the 39-yard field goal as Orlando eventually won in overtime, 124-121. At least he didn't injure himself.

That can only mean one thing (other than we wanted to run that picture), there is a new Last and Ten! Yes, that was some introduction for our Last and Ten. Make your own jokes in the Hater Nation Forums.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Thanks, But No Thanks

Not to go Bryant Gumble on all of you, but Lil' Hater is officially boycotting the winter Olympics. Outside of watching that Visa whore of a snowboarder eat [expletive] on her way to a gold medal, I haven't watched a minute of the games. My only information comes from my brief moments of lucidity down at the local bar.

So forgive me if I don't show much joy over the United States ending a 30-year drought in ice dancing. No, this isn't a rant about how ice dancing isn't a sport (it isn't), but rather they way the U.S. went about winning.

Tanith Belbin and Ben Agosto may have won the silver medal, but it took an act of Congress—literally. The Canadian-born Belbin had previously won three U.S. titles, but was barred from the Olympics until she got her American citizenship. Belbin became a U.S. citizen seven weeks ago (thanks to Congress pushing through her citizenship application).

So not only did the U.S. pull some shenanigans typically reserved for Little League parents and high school boosters from the Texas, but they needed a Canadian to win an Olympic medal in ice dancing? I've never been so ashamed to be an American and remember our draft-dodging vice president just shot somebody in the face after boozing too much (Ricky Williams gets banned for pot smoking, Eddie Sutton gets crapped on for being a drunk, but a liquored up Cheney nearly kills a dude, and the dude that gets shot ends up apologizing. Yeah, that makes sense).

Thank God I was made in Taiwan.

Shake the Disease

The sports world sent well wishes to former Oklahoma State coach Eddie Sutton after he relapsed into alcoholism and was cited for drunk driving. The school placed the 69-year old coach on "medical leave" and handed the job over to his son. Former players such as Doug Gottlieb wept during an interview hoping that the coach—who gave the guard turned broadcaster a second chance—could overcome his illness.

Alcoholism is a disease. Sutton needs help. He should not be held accountable because he had a relapse. Sports columnists, talk show hosts, bloggers all asked forgiveness for Sutton. He needs our thoughts and prayers as he wages a war against his sickness.

Then there is Ricky Williams. The moment word leaked that Williams had failed a drug test, the latest rounds of Williams pot jokes started to hit the internet and radio waves. The jokes, which were about as fresh as a Foghat concert*, were relentless and seemingly endless. It is as if people are downright gleeful that Williams tested positive. The mundane, cold February sports month suddenly heated up because Williams sparked up.

I was going to get a first down until I got high
I was going to win a rushing crown but then I got high
My career is still messed up and I know why
Because I got high, because I got high, because I got high

I was going to...

Alright we get it, Williams likes to smoke pot. But where is the compassion for Williams? Sutton boozes up, gets in a car and endangers the lives of everybody on the road and he needs our support. He has a disease. Williams is dismissed as a pothead by every wannabe comic turned sports writer who likely partook of the drug during their college days. And who, other than a box of Wheat Thins, was in danger with Williams allegedly smoking pot?

Sutton sends his son a list of things to work on and is still in contact with the OSU basketball team despite still being on medical leave. Williams will not only be banned from the Dolphins facility, but he won't be allowed back in Miami.

People are rooting for Sutton to get a second (actually third) chance to notch career win 800 (after rehab of course because alcoholism is a disease, remember.) Wiliams is viewed as throwing his career away because he wanted to get high.

Sutton gets help to his car from the freaking police. Williams must be guilty because he was hanging out in Humbolt.

Funny thing though, it appears that Williams did not test positive for marijuana. (But please, don’t let this interfere with your fresh jokes about Janet Jones betting that Williams was going to be suspended for drug again. Really, it was funny.)

Williams is already appealing the drug test. It is hard to judge how many drug test appeals have been overturned because of the alleged confidentiality. But former Dolphins running back J.J. Johnson won his appeal in 2000.

Not that it matters. Williams could win his appeal, but the damage has been down (thanks in no small part to the league’s confidential drug test). Williams could win a rushing title, a league MVP and the Super Bowl but it would not matter. People have already decided that Williams is a bad guy because of his past transgressions. And if you ask us, that is plain sick.

Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums. (*And yes we stole that Foghat joke from Kingpin.)

Monday, February 20, 2006

Choose Or Loose

The exciting battle for The Hater Nation's cheerleader of the year has come down to two candidates.

The Hater Poll is on the left-hand margin. Vote!

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Drinking With Champs

Angels minor leaguer Jered Weaver was picked up for public intoxication earlier this month according to the Los Angeles Times. Seriously, the public intoxication of professional sports athletes has reached its zenith with Matt Leinart, Kyle Orton, and Ben Roethlisberger all having photos posted all over the internet recently. Give Weaver credit that he was not photographed intoxicated, but he did go the extra mile by being arrested. It's that going the extra mile that is going to make Weaver a champion on the field.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Jon Gruden: Fun Guy

Las Vegas Review Journal gossip columnist Norm Clarke recently spotted Buccaneers coach Jon Gruden checking into the Hooters Casino Hotel. And good for Jon, he could use a little fun after the way the Buccaneers season ended (though you can bet the NFL isn’t thrilled with the thought a marquee coach gambling in Las Vegas).

Can you imagine Gruden in a casino? The dude can’t play poker because every emotion is on his face. But the dude would be a lot of fun to hang out with in Vegas. Or would he?

We were able to grab some video surveillance video from Hooters to document Gruden's trip to Las Vegas. Here it is with a written transcript beneath it.

"If that dealer gives me another 16, I am going to get pissed!"

"Did that guy just split tens?!?!?!"

"Blackjack! Mother [expletive]!"

"I just doubled down and you gave me a 2?"

"Did that Asian dealer just hit a five-card 21 when I had a 20?"

The players react to Gruden hitting the hard 10 on the craps table.

So it looked like Gruden had a little fun on his trip to Las Vegas. Maybe he is loosening up? And that means only one thing, "The Last and Ten signs that Jon Gruden is starting to loosen up!" (Left)

Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

What About the KFC Sides?

With all that is going on in the world, from war to our vice president busting a cap into somebody’s ass, it is good to see our celebrities are focusing on what is really important:

Horse racing.

Pamela Anderson has decided to boycott the Kentucky Derby because it promotes cruelty to animals. Race fans are now ripping down centerfolds and Baywatch posters. Anderson also recently asked Kentucky Governor Ernie Fletcher to remove a bust of KFC's bow-tied founder, Colonel Harland Sanders, from the state capitol.

"It makes me want to avoid Kentucky all together," Anderson said. But who doesn't?

"Like most people, I don't want to support cruelty to animals, whether it's forcing horses to face for our amusement or scalding chickens alive for our plate," Anderson said. "We have to be more evolved than this."

Anderson then excused herself to have more collagen injected into her lips. (Now that is evolution.)

Believe it or not, Anderson is a member of PETA. Hard to believe, we know. It's also hard to believe that Anderson actually attended the Derby in 2001 and 2003. So either she is really stupid, or this is some sort or publicity stunt to get attention. If she really wanted more publicity how about just releasing another sex tape? It worked the first time.

Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Kwan is Out

Michelle Kwan cannot compete in the Olympics and she has been replaced with this young lady:

That's right, Deborah Gibson.

The United States Olympic Committee announced on Tuesday that they would not offer a spot to Emily Hughes, instead opting for the singer who recently appeared on Skating with Celebrities.

"Dude, it's not like Kwan had a real spot anyway," one anonymous committee member said. "It was a joke spot that we made up for Michelle so why not have a little fun with it?

"Besides, I was sort of crushing on her when I was in junior high. I still love, Only in my Dreams. Discuss your favorite Debbbie Gibson in the Hater Nation Forums.

Ball Hog

No, it’s not Kobe. But what about Dwayne Wade? He scored the Heat's last 17 points, including the game-winner on a 16-footer with 2.3 seconds left, as Miami edged the Detroit Pistons 100-98 Sunday.

The public (and likely this site) would have been all over Kobe if he had done that, even in beating the defending champions. But Wade is not only getting a free pass, but he is being applauded for it.

If the casual NBA fans are going to be upset with Kobe's ball hogging where is the indignation with Wade for doing the exact same thing? The Heat aren't going to be able to win it all if the doesn't include his teammates, right? Columnist lined up to call Kobe a "glory hog" and worse. Where are the editorials chastising Wade for scoring his team’s final 17 points? That obviously was a selfish act.

And where is Shaq in this whole thing? He could not have been too pleased. But there was nary a peep from the big guy.

As much fun as it is to call out Kobe (and trust us, it is fun), it is important to note the hypocrisy when it comes to Kobe.

Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums.

Monday, February 13, 2006

The NHL is on the Clock

Now that the NFL has finally (mercifully) played its final game, it is time to give the NHL a shot. We have not watched a single moment of hockey since the lockout/strike that negated the 2004-05 season. But The Hater Nation is nothing if not fair. So we will watch every LA Kings and Anaheim Ducks game starting today through the end of the month to give the NHL its fair shake. We will talk NHL here if we are dutifully impressed. If not, we will never speak of the sport again.

But you can make your own case for the NHL in the Hater Nation Forums.

Manning Still Doesn't Get It

Peyton Manning threw three interceptions as the NFC prevailed over the AFC, 23-17, in the Pro Bowl on Sunday. Manning, however, did not seem to learn anything from the AFC playoffs as he again pointed fingers at his teammates.

"I don't want to be a bad teammate here, but it sure seemed like we had some protection problems," Manning said. "I know this is supposed to be an 'All-star game,' but some people didn't seem to live up to that status.

"Not me though, I was still money. It's just that nobody could pick up a blitz and give the genius enough time to work. It is hard for me to work with these stiffs sometimes."

Reporters were quick to point out to Manning that Pro Bowl rules prohibit teams from blitzing, which should have worked into the beleaguered quarterback’s favor.

"Oh, man," Manning said. "There was really no blitzing? Wow. Well, did you see all that rainfall? I'm going to try to be a humble servant of the Lord here, but we seemed to have some weather problems from above, which prevented me from being at my best. But now I can empathize with those people who lived through Hurricane Katrina."

In true Manning fashion, he did manage to fall well short of tying the Pro Bowl individual game mark for interceptions set by Jim Hart (5).

Talk about other fake news in the Hater Nation Forums.

The Quote Board

The Raiders have notched an NFL-worst 13-35 record over the last three years, but the club still leads the league in hyperbole. Art Shell’s press conference is evidence of that. The greatness of the Raiders was on full display on Saturday during Shell’s re-introduction as head coach. All the greats such as John Madden, Todd Marinovich, Lyle Alzado’s corpse, and Cole Ford’s parole officer were all on hand to welcome the Raiders new coach.

It didn't take long for the bull to fly.

"It may take us a short while, but we'll get that nastiness of the Raiders back," Al Davis said.

"I have to show them the way, the 'Raider Way,'" said Shell.

Look for the Raiders to lead the league in cheap shots again. Combine that with the mental errors that plague the Raiders and the club could be looking at the all-time mark in penalties.

"I just want to get back to the point where when we walk into a stadium, they know the Raiders are in town," Shell said.

Madden added, "I haven't been around them for a long time because I've been away doing (TV) games (and I usually only show up for money). I know there used to be (mystique). Teams didn't like coming in to the (Oakland) Coliseum. They had that feeling -- they were a little nervous and they didn't enjoy it.

"Oakland wasn't a fun place to come and play, and every game was sold out. ... In those days, there was something to it. I don't know if it's still there now. It's probably not. If it's not, it's (Shell's) job to get it back."

It looks like the Raiders fans are going to get stabby again. Nice responsibility. Shell and Madden are endorsing the Raiders fans hooliganism. So much for those fans who claim that the Raiders fans aren't violent.

At least both Shell and Davis are on the same page offensively.

"We've got to run the football better," Davis said. "We've got to run it with toughness. This guy (Shell) knows what I'm talking about."

He sure does. "I want the ability, as always to strike from anywhere on the field. That's important to me," Shell said.

Oh well, it could be worse Raiders fans, your team could try something desperate such as re-hiring Tom Walsh. Oops, early indications are that it will be Walsh who served as the club's offensive coordinator from 1982-1994.

"Everybody has a way of doing things. The Raiders have a way of doing things. We're about winning. And we will win," said Shell.

The Raiders way has won 13 games in three seasons. The Raiders twice went outside of the family to hire two guys -- Mike Shanahan and Jon Gruden. Both were dismissed because they did not do things the Raiders way. Even the Bish knows how that turned out for the Raiders.

The players are excited. But you would be happy too if Norv Turner was your previous coach.

Linebacker Danny Clark said in a phone interview. "He has been in that locker room, played for that owner and knows what it's like to be in silver and black."

So in other words, Shell is already prepared for failure. Shell then went and put it all into perspective.

"We can get this done," Shell said. "But it starts with me. I have to set the tone.

"Words don't get it done."

But it is a start. Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

It's Art Shell

It’s long been hard to imagine who was more stuck in the past—UCLA hoops or the Oakland Raiders. To the Bruins credit, when they hired Ben Howland a few years ago, Walt Hazzard was not a candidate.

That leaves the Raiders who proved that you can go home again (which they literally did in 1995) with the hiring of Art Shell. But this is a good thing. Even ugly people need love, too. Shell drew minimal interest as a head coach after the Raiders fired him in 1995. Likewise, the Raiders couldn’t find anybody who wanted to coach the team. Even Mike Martz decided that he would rather work for Matt Millen than call plays for Al Davis. So this marriage is perfect in a dorks-in-love sort of way.

The hiring of Shell shows just how far the Raiders have fallen in recent years. Shell was dismissed after going 9-7 in 1994—a mark that would look pretty good to Raiders fans right now. Shell’s best season came in 1990 when he led the Raiders to a 12-4 mark.

Of course, the Raiders were destroyed, 51-3, in the AFC Championship Game. That’s a return to excellence right there.

Raiders fans will be quick to point out the 54-38 record Shell put up during his first term with the Raiders. But not everybody is myopic as some of the Koolade drinking Raider Nation. This is from our reader, Foo:

Let us not forget Shell’s final season: Predicted to go SB XXIX, the Raiders promptly get blown out in their first two games. Their defense, which had been so good in 1993, flounders under new coordinator John Fox, who Al brought in after he tried to demote coordinator Gunther Cunningham, the man responsible for the great play from 1993. Fox, of course, is distracted because he has knocked up one of the flight attendants on the Raiders team plane, which Al frowns upon. All the while Shell’s work ethic makes Bud Grant look like a workaholic (at least Grant won).

The season ends in perfect fashion. Needing a win over the Chiefs to make the playoffs, the Raiders completely dominate time of possession, move the ball at will, but cannot score (including an 18-play, 98-yard drive that took 11 minutes and netted nothing).

The good news for Raiders fans: Al is feeble, so maybe he will die soon. The bad news for Raider fans: Al’s mother lived to be 102. The worse news for LA: the Raiders are coming back in 2011.

Nice hire, guys.

Hater Nation Poll

Our reader, Robert T. Jefferson, has narrowed the field of Pro Bowl cheerleaders and its up to you to pick out The Hater Nation's top cheerleeder of 2005. The official Hater Poll is on your left. The winner will be announced on Feb. 20.

From the Philadelphia Eagles, Tara:

From the Denver Broncos, Renee:

From the Carolina Panthers, Amy:

From the Dallas Cowboys, Lynlee:

Make your voice heard.

Friday, February 10, 2006

Alright, I'm In

I Lil' Hater would like to officially throw my plastic helmet into the ring to be considered the next head coach of the Oakland Raiders. A lot of my friends have told me that it would be career suicide to hold Al Davis' drool bucket under his chin. I would say that opportunities to be a head coach (even if it means playing the folly to the whole Weekend at Al’s plot) don’t come very often. And slumming here is tiresome.

It's not like there is a long line to be the head coach, either. They are talking to Art f’ing Shell. Where has he been? Somebody better tell Art that Bo Jackson isn't playing for the Raiders anymore. This saddens me that the Raiders would have to go to its fall-back girl. You remember, the girl you would ask to the prom only if you couldn't get the girl you wanted. Art Shell is the fallback girl. That would then make Mike Martz the slut that nobody wants to sleep with but that’s just me. So much for the greatness of the Raiders. Nobody wants to coach this team. Well except me, of course. Here are my credentials:

If hired, I will DOUBLE the number of conference victories from the previous regime. That's right, Lil’ Hater guarantees 4 wins out of every 12. As an added bonus, I vow to beat a division foe no later than the year 2009! That would ensure a 5-11 season, which would be well received in Oakland.

Lil' Hater also will not ignore the team’s best player in crunch time. Lil' Hater has even devised a scheme to get said player the ball by throwing it to him.

Forget stretching the field with the vaunted Raider's "vertical passing game." If hired, I will devise the first ever "subterrainian offense". I will build secret tunnels under the field at the Mac, to use for big plays whenever needed. I got this idea from watching game film, and Hogan's Heroes.

If you ask me, Lil' Hater seems like the best option. Be honest, what would sell better, Chuckys or Lil' Haters? The choice is obvious. Endorse me in the Hater Nation Forums.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Good Luck Joey

Joey Harrington probably thought his life was miserable before. It is now going to get worse with the Lions hiring of Mike Martz. The prevailing thought among the misguided is that Martz is the master of taking mediocre quarterbacks and making them great. Uh, okay.

Kurt Warner may have won a Super Bowl ring and a couple of MVP awards, but Martz is directly responsible for nearly getting him killed. Warner should look at Muhammad Ali for a portrait of his future. Marc Bulger missed eight games in 2005, as three quarterbacks saw significant playing time in St. Louis. It was the second time that has happened since 2002).

Both Warner and Bulger had a shelf life of three years because they could get rid of the football quickly, but still took a lot of punishment. Harrington has one of the worst deliveries in NFL history. If Tim Robbins was ever going to play an NFL quarterback in a movie, he would probably have a motion similar to Harrington's.

Harrington not only will struggle under Martz, but he will probably be released before the season starts. If Harrington does stay in Detroit he hopefully will buy an industrial strength blender to prepare his dinner.

But hey, if you are in my fantasy league please ignore these facts and make Harrington your No.1 quarterback. Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums.

harry f'ing carson?

Remember that time you took your kids to the Meadowlands for the specific reason of seeing Harry Carson play?

Remember that one big play Harry Carson made? You know, that one that's become part of NFL lore? The one they always show on the highlights?

Remember sitting in front of the TV, and refusing to change the channel because you were afraid of missing an amazing defensive play by Harry Carson.

No, No, and f’ing No.

So then why is a poor man's Wilbur Marshall in the Hall of Fame?

Oh right, he played in New York and his dead owner was pushing for it. I guess that makes his mediocre career that much more important. Whatever. It’s bad enough that the NFL forced Eli Manning and the fraud Giants down our throats all season, now they have to fellate NY again with this joke selection. Why not put Brad Van Pelt in there while you’re at it? Jerks.

Yeah, Carson ran up some nice career stats, and got in the Pro-Bowl for a bunch of years. But hey, it's not like he benefited by having the most dominating linebacker in NFL history lining up on the other end of the field, getting triple-teamed while Carson was more or less allowed to go unblocked every play for a decade. Oh, wait, never mind.

Joe Gibbs didn't spend 20-hour days in Redskins Park working on schemes to neutralize Carson - he was a complete afterthought. I mean, Carrot Top would've gotten gaudy stats if LT were on his team.

Carson wasn't even the second best linebacker on the Giants, Carl Banks gets that honor. Does this mean that Peter Boulware goes to Canton, due to his luck of playing alongside Ray Lewis?

Funny that Carson gets a free pass to the HOF for riding LT’s coke-fueled coattails to the HOF, while the classy Art Monk gets passed over again because voters contend he benefited from playing alongside Gary Clark during the Redskin’s heyday.

Of course, Monk never played for the Giants, so that's ok, I guess.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

NFL: Refs Done Good

The Seattle Seahawks continue to cry and cry after replays. But the NFL feels its referees have been vindicated after video images released by the league show two blatant holding penalties. Here is a picture of the holding (click here) (and face mask penalty) on the Peter Warrick run-back. Here is another picture of the alleged phantom hold (click here) that would have given the Seahawks the ball on the 1-yard line.

Now you can clearly tell that the Seahawks have no room to complain.

A big thanks to our man, CE, for tipping us off to the photos. Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums.

Joe Montana: Family Man

It is absolutely disgusting that people are questioning Joe Montana's motives for not showing up at the Super Bowl MVP celebration. Montana is a big family man. Why else would he have been married three times?

Joe Family Guy has had almost as many marriages as Super Bowl rings. A wife for every Super Bowl MVP. It's funny that family was never much of a priority for him when he dumped his high school sweetheart Kim Monses, after three years of marriage in 1977 when he was drafted by the 49ers. But it is a tradition for professional athletes (and entertainers in general) to dump your first wife when you finally make it to the big time.

Following the lead of great NFL players, like Frank Gifford, Montana moved on to a stewardess for wife number two. Cass Castillo was some sort of a looker, but she couldn't make it past the magical three-year mark (which incidentally was Montana's college number at Notre Dame).

Montana had other priorities, other than family, when he decided to move on. Montana met his current wife, Jennifer, while shooting a commercial for Schick razors. Montana was so smitten, he left Cass a "Dear Jane" letter at the 49ers front office to let her know that she was being replaced. Joe and Jennifer were married a year later. Montana received a little heat with this move said, "Maybe God wants Joe Montana to be happy."

The Lord also probably got in his ear about holding out for $100K, too. But who can blame him for asking for that money, those alimony payments must be a female dog. It's like Ted Dibase always said, "Every man has his price."

What would be your outrageous demands to post in the Hater Nation Forums.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Mike Holmgren Hates Money

He must, because he is going to be donating a whole lot of it to the NFL after his comments on Monday. The Seahawks coach addressed the crowd in Seattle and let them know what he thought of the league's officiating during the Super Bowl.

"We knew it was going to be tough going up against the Pittsburgh Steelers," Holmgren told the fans at Qwest Field. "I didn't know we were going to have to play the guys in the striped shirts as well."

Quit crying.

It's understandable that Holmgren is a little pissed. But the coach of an NFL team should be above using the referees as a scapegoat. Remember the Doug Eddings fiasco in the ALCS? Mike Scioscia would not call out the umpire, instead saying that his team missed some opportunities.

Holmgren should have said, "We knew it was going to be tough going up against the Pittsburgh Steelers, I didn't realize that our kicker couldn't make a field goal, our tight end can't catch, and we can't seem to stop teams on third and 28."

But that sound byte might not have made news.

In other referee news, the ACC has suspended the officials who worked the Florida State-Duke this weekend after they pretty handed Duke a victory. Although the Steelers would have a long way to go to catch Duke in terms of getting beneficial calls (think of the 1991 Final Four).

How sad is it that the ACC is on the ball with suspending officials who exhibit incompetence, while the NFL seems to do nothing. But at least they got the coin-toss correct.

Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Super Bowl Running Diary

Just kidding. Those are so lame. Who still does stuff like that? Besides, the old memory is not too sharp the day after the first ever The Hater Nation Summit in Las Vegas. The event, held at Moose's Beach House, will hopefully become an annual deal.

There was a little tension when a group of Raiders fans showed up for the Super Bowl. Imagine their surprise when they found out that the Raiders were not playing in the game. Conrad Bain’s assistant informed the group that the Raiders would be playing the winner next week, which seemed to appease them. Thankfully, nobody was stabbed so it would have to be considered a smashing success.

Although airport security scrutinized Lil' Hater on Monday morning. Something about a foul-mouthed, Anna Benson-obsessed, plastic action figure really is unsettling to those spoilsports working the X-Ray machine at McCarran Airport.

The events of Super Bowl Sunday have been rehashed much better. Hopefully somebody can track down poor Zach. But here are a few thoughts off the top of the head:

  • Seattle fans must have really been pissed when Franco Harris waved that Terrible Towel before the game. Ingrate. You thought Terry Bradshaw was biter. How could Harris not remember his hometown Seahawks who allowed him the folly of extending his career in his futile attempt to chase down Jim Brown's rushing record?

  • Speaking of ingrates, it’s no surprise that Joe Montana begged out of the Super Bowl MVP showcase. Montana reportedly wanted $100K to condescend to a Super Bowl appearance. Dan Patrick tried to defend Montana on his radio show today, citing that Montana really wanted to get home to see his son play basketball. It’s amazing how convenient the children become when you are trying to extort the league for more money. Too bad athletes don’t think about their family when you are out carousing.

  • How come the Rolling Stones did not play, Sweet Emotion? A nation feels cheated. Dexie's Midnight Runners played on Fremont Street on Saturday night. Lil' Hater sat through five sets, and the band never played Come on Eileen. Tragic.

  • Tom Brady set the NFL record most limp-wristed coin toss in NFL history. Congrats, Tom. (Did you know the Patriots have never won the coin toss in their four Super Bowl appearances? The Hater Nation is nothing if not informative.) Lil' Hater's note: The Patriots have been in five Super Bowls, moron. The Sports Dork would have known that, jerk. But this site won't pull a Peter King and update a mistake without owning up to it.

And finally, the Bish’s Moment of Zen from Monday’s Orange County Register:

"The Bus" had picked him up so many times, becoming his closest friend and confidant on the team, boosting his confidence when he was down, even mediating his contract when negotiations had gone bad this past summer.

This was the chance for Hines Ward to return the favor.

This was his opportunity to provide the last few, precious ounces of fuel to get "The Bus" home in style.

Damn, the Bish is just that fresh.

Nap time. Keep up your end of the bargain in the Hater Nation Forums.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

The Hater Nation Summit

One Night Only! The first official THN Summit will take place on Super Sunday at the Main Street Station off Fremont Street. NFL Adam, Lil' Hater, and Conrad Bain together for one night! You don't want to miss it.

This is an NFLJennifer Production in assocation with The Hater Nation.

Friday, February 03, 2006


I don’t even know her

I kid, I kid. Truth be told, I was Anna Benson's vibrator in an earlier life. (Lil' Hater’s note: If my column starts with this sentence, you were robbed of some sheer genius as the Gibsonisation of this board commences. If my column starts with this sentence, tell NFL Adam that I quit and will start stringing for the Register.)

Where was I, oh yeah Anna Benson. She’s expanding her spotlight hogging to the sport of poker now after signing a deal with Golden Spirit Poker. Anna said that she now considers herself an athlete. Although I guess if you can call baseball players like Cecil Fielder, Bartolo Colon, and her lame husband athletes, the bar is set pretty low to begin with.

Anna also wants the world to know that she is, "Not like some bimbo sitting down at a table." Hey that worked well for Jen Tilly. Go with what works. Anna aspires to be a bimbo, as of now she is just a publicity whore. That’s why she is famous. That and going on the Howard Stern show and telling the world she would cheat with her husband’s teammates if he ever cheated on her.

By that token, if Anna now cheats on Kris, does he get to sleep with all of the women of the World Series of Poker like Jennifer Harman, “Mimi” Tran Thi Thi, Susie Isaacs, and Phil Ivey?

Just asking is all.

pot calls kettle black

Tim Brown is obviously angling for a spot as a Guest Hater here on The Hater Nation.

(Wait for applause from "cheap heat" to die down.)

Brown recently bashed former Raiders coach John Madden on Brown's horrifically bad Pro Football Preview Show on FSN.

"I spent a long time in Raiderland," Brown said, "And when you talk to the old guys who played under Madden, they say, 'Look, if not for this guy, maybe we win three or four Super Bowls.' They actually think that he may have hindered them."

Thats a great take Timmy. It was even better when it was posted here months ago. Way to jump on our bandwagon weeks later.

It's been well established (by us) that Madden is an overrated coach. That cannot be disputed. How can Brown, however, knock somebody else's credentials when he is the most overrated wide receiver in NFL history? Brown is the first receiver to render 1,000 career receptions meaningless. And while Madden's Raiders were notoriously choking against the Steelers in the 1970s, he did manage to win one Super Bowl.

How did your one shot in the Super Bowl go, Tim? One reception for 8 yards.

Maybe Brown's co-star Jason Sehorn can steal this dissertation on Brown's career.

Those links are must reads for our new readers. Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums.

You'll not only go blind

Patriots quarterback and admitted porn aficionado Tom Brady will have surgery to repair his injured groin. Club officials were unclear whether Brady suffered the sports hernia playing football or enjoying his hobby.

Brady played the second half of the season with the injury according to information obtained in the Boston Globe. Brady gets ragged on a lot here, but as the Bish would say, "Think about it."

Brady played half the season with a sports injury and never complained or went public with it. Brady compiled a 92.3 passer rating, throwing for a career-high 4,110 yards with 26 touchdowns and 14 interceptions.

Then you have Donovan McNabb. The sports hernia injury of McNabb was the leading story in the NFL midway through the season. The Eagles quarterback sold the injury like Shawn Michaels sold for Bret Hart in Summer Slam in 1997. McNabb finally whined enough, garnered enough sympathy and eventually took off the final two months of the season.

So two guys with similar injuries, one leads his team to the playoffs; the other takes an early vacation. One wins the Super Bowl. The other pukes his chunky soup on the field.

It's almost enough to forgive Terrell Owens. Almost. Discuss it in the Hater Nation Forums.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

McNabb a bad guy?

"But when you sit there and pinpoint a guy because of the color of his skin, and not really pretty much on his performance or the things he's been able to do while he's been in the league, that kind of makes you look like you're the bad guy." – Donovan McNabb, October 1, 2003

This quote was back when McNabb was still considered a good guy. A time when the Eagles quarterback co-stared with his actual mom as a Chunky Soup pitchman. But that time could coming to a close. McNabb no longer seems intent on taking the high road and has started to play down to the level of his competition. McNabb said Terrell Owens committed a "black-on-black" crime when the enigmatic receiver said the Eagles would be better off with Brett Favre.

Something McNabb was really offended by.

"And to say if we had Brett Favre, that could mean that if you had another quarterback of a different descent or ethnic background, we could be winning. That's something I thought about and said, 'Wow.' It's different to say if we had Michael Vick, Daunte Culpepper, Steve McNair, Aaron Brooks, Byron Leftwich. But to go straight to Brett Favre, that slapped me in the face.”

So McNabb would rather be compared to a quarterback who was benched in favor of Todd Bouman instead of a former three-time MVP because of the color of his skin. And not really pretty much on his performance in the league. This kind of makes Donovan McNabb look like a bad guy.

Never thought we'd see the day where Owens is made to look like a sympathetic figure. This is like McNabb's "heel-turn" where he embraces a bad-guy persona. Maybe he can even hire Drew Rosenhaus.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

detroit bish city

Have you ever connected with a sports writer? Felt like you can read his mind? There has recently been a strong connection Orange County Register columnist Steve "The Bish" Bisheff and me. (We would present that mug right here, but copyright laws may prevent that. Instead we’ll go with an alternative that most of his readers could identify with.)


The great thing about Bisheff is that you know exactly what he is going to write every day. And his mind-numbing tripe has become more predictable than your basic Three’s Company plotline.

The genius of the Bish was previously outlined here. It was a classic Bish story where he hit all of his signature trademarks, much like Brett Hart's "Five Moves of Doom." The Bish was at it again this week as he again expressed his man-crush on Jerome Bettis.

Witness the brilliance of The Bish.

It isn't just that Jerome Bettis arrives as the best story of Super Bowl week. No, it's more than that. Much more.

This is the patented “Damn is the Bish fresh or what move,” repeating a phrase twice to show just how damn good he is.

He arrives as Detroit's 255-pound savior.

The Bish is deep. Like your average puddle.

But don’t let us down, Bish. Where is your trademark, forced pop culture reference?

If Ray Romano will forgive us, that should be the real title of Super Bowl XL:
Everybody Loves Jerome.

Wow. Congratulations Bish. Not only have you written the same column twice in a week, but you have managed to make each piece as unimaginative and uninteresting than the previous one.

But don't think that the love was not returned. Here we see Bettis playfully running around Ford Field with the Bish's hair in his hand (right).

The Bish was so fresh on Wednesday we even did something we have never done in our lives: read past the jump. It is where we found this gem, hidden away. Remember, we mockinlgy wrote this about a story we would love to see covered in the Super Bowl:

Columnist hilariously points out that Super Bowl XL could be viewed as Super Bowl "Extra Large." The columnist anxiously awaits word from Pulitzer Prize committee. ...

Nobody would be dumb enough to do that, right? Well then you obviously don’t know the Bish.

Jerome is back in town, and even the X and L in the game’s Roman numerals seem to fit for this Extra-Large hero.

This is the Bish and I making a connection. Discuss the Bish in the Hater Nation Forums.

Bettis photo courtesy of Wooda at Live1 Productions. Want a medal now?