Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Shall We Dance?

The NFL coaching dance has neared its conclusion and it should come as no surprise that Al Davis is still without a dance partner. As the final bars of Take My Breath Away plays, Davis stares longingly into the distance as he holds up the wall. But don't fret Al. There is somebody waiting for you. Since you seem to be inept at breaking the ice and have been burned by recent courtships (seriously, Al Saunders?), let me do the introduction.

Al, this is Mike Martz. Mike, this is Al Davis. You both are perfect for each other.

Martz has the arrogance to be a Raiders coach. You see, the Raiders have never lost a game. It has always been the referees, the league, or tuck rules screwing them. It is never the Raiders fault. Likewise, Martz has never made a coaching mistake in his life. Ever. He’s also not afraid to let you know that he is a genius.

Martz won't even care that you went ahead an already hired a defensive coordinator, either. The offensive guru would never condescend to ever look over a defensive game plan.

Al, you hate disciplined players. That should not be a problem for Martz. It’s not to say that he is a lenient coach, but he makes Captain Hazelwood look like Bud Grant.

Martz did miss most of last season with a heart condition, but Al, you have been finding a way to cheat death for years. Montgomery Burns could only hope for your own immortality.

And the Patriots? Rest assured that you both would have a lot to commiserate about.

Sure there is the temptation for going after a young, unheralded coach, but he will only end up leaving you to win a Super Bowl for another team—like Mike Shanahan and Jon Gruden. Martz gives you the best chance to maintain your commitment to mediocrity. The Raiders will finish 9-7, score a ton of points, and be out-coached each week (especially on defense), but at least your team would be interesting for a change.

C’mon guys, seal this deal with a kiss already.

BILLS NEW COACH

How bad is the coaching job in Buffalo when Mike Mularkey would rather quit and go work for the biggest control freak in the NFL? It is so bad that they had to settle for Dick Jauron.

With octogenarians Ralph Wilson and Marv Levy running the show in Buffalo, it is a surprise they didn’t hire Steve Guttenberg as head coach.

Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums.

5 comments:

Zach Landres-Schnur said...

I still can't believe they fired Norv!

Anonymous said...

Dude, nice cocoon reference.

TJ said...

I think a sideline trio of Don Ameche, Hume Cronyn and Wilford Brimley could at least go 8-8.

Anonymous said...

Hey, don't forget that Gruden was traded...he didn't just leave....

Anonymous said...

Hey, don't forget Gruden was traded he didn't just leave....