Wednesday, January 04, 2006

A National Day of Mourning

It is easy to sit back and make fun of former Raiders coach Norv Turner. And believe us, we did. In fact, Lil' Hater was too choked up to participate today. He was consoled by the fact that he would have a lot of opportunity to hate on Eli Manning. But the time has come to recognize Turner for the true genius that he is. Nobody has done more than Turner to entirely discredit the Raiders organization. Nobody has done more than Turner to neuter Raiders fans, the most boisterous of the bunch.

Do not dismiss that last point so easily. Raiders fans are under the delusion that their team is a Super Bowl contender every season. Even during the Rusty Hilger era. Now Raiders fans have tucked tail, rolled over, and played dead. The bravado is gone. Raiders fans couldn't even muster up the strength to make it down to San Diego this season to stab a Chargers fan.

If Raiders fans lose interest in senseless violence, something is wrong. It all starts at the top with managing general partner, Al Davis.

"We want to win. The Raider fans deserve it. The Raider players deserve it," Davis said.

Actually, I am not sure that Raider fans really deserve it. These are not quality individuals. And the players? What has Kerry Collins ever done to deserve a Super Bowl? Collins is no more deserving of a Super Bowl than Todd Collins. It's like Clint Eastwood once said, "Deserves got nothing to do with it."

The old man continued on in his incoherent ramblings laying out what is expected of a Raiders coach. "You have to win and you have to win with a vision for the Super Bowl. That’s our passion here."

If Davis really wanted a winner, why was Turner hired in the first place? His tenure in Washington was evidence enough that he was not a good head coach. Instead of a vision for the Super Bowl, how about a vision for the .500 mark?

Davis does have a challenge in front of him. Not only does he want to hire a coach that will win. But he needs to find a new coach who will make it cool to mug for the cameras in the black hole again. A coach that will inspire new, insidious costumes from the Raiders fans. A coach that will inspire the hooligans in the empty-third deck to jump a Steelers fan in the bathroom again. A coach that will once again inspire the loons who have vacated the Hater Nation Forums.

That is why the Raiders need Mike Martz. The former St. Louis coach fits all the criteria. Martz has delusions of grandeur. Martz is an offensive genius. Martz would never condescend to learn anything about defense. Martz has no chance of ever winning a Super Bowl.

Martz is a Raider.


Scott said...

That last paragraph reminds me of when Homer was trying to find excuses not to take Santa's Little Helper home. "He's a loser! He's pathetic! He's... a Simpson."

Zach Landres-Schnur said...

Wait a sec...Kerry Collins didn't deserve to win a Super Bowl? No shit.