Monday, January 30, 2006

Blackmail

The man who caught the ball from Doug Flutie's historic drop-kick is using his lawyer to leverage the Patriots for a handsome payday. But only because he is a true fan of the team. It seems this fan has already had offers from other people, but seriously, he wants to stick it to the Patriots because he is a true fan.

Stacey James, media relations guru for the Patriots, received a fax from the lawyer of the fan detailing his client's demands for the return of the ball. They were published here in the Boston Globe:

1. Payment of ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND ($100,000.00) DOLLARS [lawyer's capitals] on delivery of the football.

2. A guarantee of eight (8) season tickets for 25 years in the end zone (preferably sections 142 or 143).
a. The season tickets will be paid for annually by my client at the then going price for season tickets. The Patriots would not be expected to pay for the tickets. (Hey that seems fair.)

3. Delivery by the Patriots to my client sometime in September, 2006, of a Tom Brady Patriots' football jersey signed by all the team members as of the beginning of the next football season.

4. Guitar lessons with Bill Belichick and an autographed hooded sweatshirt. Plus my client and Belichick will be partners in a fantasy football league.

5. Dinner with Bridget Moynihan, sans Visa's five layers of protection. (Tom Brady can attend if he wants.)

6. Matt Cassel to play quarterback for his intramural football team.

Alright, we made the last three up.

It might sound crazy for the fan to ask for all of this stuff. But then again, Robert Kraft did give away a ring to Vladimir Putin last year. So this guy might not be as dumb as we think. But odds are the Patriots won’t even part with a soda from the Diet Pepsi machine. The identity of the individual is being protected by the James and the Patriots, but who could do something like this?



Doug Mientkiewicz? Come on. That is too obvious.

It just has to be this guy. (Please let it be this guy.)



The ESPN's Bill Simmons. He said in his recent More Cowbell (don't ask), that he is working on a mystery project and can't go to the Super Bowl. Can't or won't go because he is ducking the Patriots? Maybe that mystery project is a new book, Now I Can Die in Peace, I Extorted the Patriots For $100K.

Hopefully the Patriots won't buckle under and negotiate. Remember guys, if you give in to these demands, then the football terrorist will have won. Talk about it here, in the Hater Nation Forums.

1 comment:

Zach Landres-Schnur said...

I think the Pats will tell this guy to fuck off when they grasp the fact that this was just some ball that was dropkicked through the goal posts. It's really a big deal.