Friday, December 30, 2005

The First Rule of Lakers Fight Club

Is that you don't talk about Lakers Fight Club!

Kobe Bryant is a model teammate. The New York Post reported Friday more about a major confrontation between Bryant and teammate Lamar Odom after the Lakers’ loss at Washington.

The confrontation reportedly led to smashing of lights and damaging of a TV monitor belonging to the Lakers' flagship station in front of the visitors’ locker room. Bryant was angry at Odom for supposedly botching a pick-and-roll that was to set up a three-point shot for Bryant that could have tied the game. And you know better than to get in Bryant’s way when he is hoisting up when of his 60 bricks per game.

When the pair got closer to the Lakers' dressing room, Bryant was yelling at a screaming Odom and went after him. In doing so, The Post said Bryant kicked over the lights and a chair holding the TV monitor. Bryant’s security force of two quickly intervened and separated the pair. Come on Kobe, again with trying to bend people over a chair? You would have figured that he would have learned by now.

The pair again exchanged heated words and challenges in the locker room and that the tension was so intense one of the security guys accompanied Odom to the back of the charter bus and sat nearby on the trip to the airport while the other sat in the front with Kobe, the last member of the Lakers to board.

The police later questioned Bryant who pointed out that Shaq used to do it all the time. Obviously Kobe does not know the first rule of Lakers Fight Club. Don't talk about Fight Club in the Hater Nation Forums.

A Chip Off the Old Block

That was something we haven’t seen around here in a long time.

A Leaf throwing a game-crippling interception.

Oregon quarterback Brady Leaf, brother of former San Diego Charger Ryan, threw an interception late in the fourth quarter as the Ducks lost to Oklahoma, 17-14, in the Holiday Bowl. When asked about the throw following the game, Brady stood up and yelled at the reporter to, “Knock it off.”

Or at least he should to keep another family tradition alive.

Brady was booed when he entered the game during the Ducks third possession and again when the sadist working the scoreboard put up a graphic indicating Brady and Ryan were brothers. Give the kid a chance at least.

The crowd was thrilled when Leaf threw the game's final interception. The Chargers may not be going to the playoffs this year, but at least the fans can rejoice in the misery of the Leaf family.

The Hater Nation would like to offer its congratulations to the Oklahoma Sooners for finally finding a bowl game they could win. It must be a refreshing change from losing in the BCS Championship Game in horrific fashion every year. Oklahoma and coach Bob Stoops should stick to playing against unmotivated Pac-10 teams every postseason.

In an ironic twist, the victory was so welcome in the Oklahoma that celebrating fans actually started putting out the fires that had been raging in the Sooner state. Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

One Nebraska Fan is Happy Today

Of course we would be talking about the most-famous former University of Nebraska student Tommy Lee.

You know Lee was likely throwing a huge Cornhusker bash at his Beverly Hills estate (hopefully away from the pool) rooting on his favorite football team. Because you know that from watching Tommy Lee Goes to College, his love for Nebraska was pure. If you were too busy making a sex tape to see the game, our pals at the Sports Pulse have put together a pretty good rundown of the game's final play. Be sure to check it out.

Why should today be the day you start working when you have avoided it all week?

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Hugh Millen Has A Point

Former journeyman quarterback Hugh Millen did not do much during his tenure with the Los Angeles Rams. But he did manage to snag a cheerleader, Lisa Guerrero, who is featured in this month's Playboy. Millen was engaged to the former hostess on The Best Damn Sports Show Period and sideline reporter on Monday Night Football but eventually upgraded to model Michele Millen. The Seattle Post Intelligencer asked Millen if he planned to get a copy of the January Playboy.

Millen quipped: "I’ve already seen the 22-year old version (of Guerrero), why would I want to see the 42-year-old version?"

Dude.

We are pretty confident a picture of Michele Millen will surface in the Hater Nation Forums.

The NFL Loves the Giants

Need anymore proof that the NFL is pulling for the Giants to win? The NFL Shops sold Giants NFC East championship gear yesterday, despite the fact that the Redskins could still win the division according to the NY Daily News. Washington could clinch the division with a victory this week combined with a Raiders victory over the Giants.

Okay, so a Giants victory is virtually assured. But the NFL should not show favoritism in this instance. What is next, giving the Giants an extra home game this season? Bad example. But with all of the favorable calls, extra home games, and having the body of Wellington Mara on display in the NFL offices, it is obvious who the league is pulling for. Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Tony Parker: Ultimate Raider

It seems that Tony Parker has taken the silver and black of the Spurs uniform a little too seriously with a recent brush with the law on Christmas Eve.

Parker and girlfriend Eva Longoria allegedly yelled at a bicycle cop who had the audacity to tell the Spurs star to move his car. The French bastard was cited with a “Freedom Citation” for obstructing traffic and not brandishing a Texas driver's license. Parker, trying to keep it real for his French peeps said, “That is all cops do. Mess with people.” Wow, he is a regular Tupac there.

Longoria, whom the police report quoted as telling the officer, "Well, (expletive) you then," was not cited.

Longoria, best known for being the token Mexican on Desperate Housewives added, "He's just a Mexican bike cop. He only wants your autograph."

Hey wait a minute, a Mexican bike cop? Are we sure that it was not Mario Lopez from the hit television show Pacific Blue? Maybe Eva should notice the career path of Paula Trickey. Who? Exactly. Longoria might want to be a little more kind to the Mexican population. She will be starring in their soap operas soon enough. Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums.

From the Desk of Lil' Hater

Lil' Hater is on holiday vacation, and is goofed up on spiked eggnog, so he won't be able to contribute anything for a couple days.

But if he did write something ... it would likely include a thorough mocking of the piss-poor Raiders, who just finished the first 0-for-AFC West schedule in the late Al Davis' lifetime. It would also mention the utter embarrassment of the Broncos game, where the players showed their true character, and laid down and quit (again) against their hated divisional rivals.

It would also mention the inevitable quitting that will occur next weekend against the Giants, thereby handing the NFC East to the undeserving Giants. Even the 49ers and Texans are trying to win games, but the Raiders can't be bothered. Disgraceful. (And speaking of the [expletive] Giants, has their ever—in the history of the league—received more beneficial reviews than the Giants? The whole world can tell that Amani Toomer did not catch that ball, but it was ruled “inconclusive.” It is like there is a mandate from the league to ensure that no camera must be on a Giants player when he is near the goal line. He would mention that if he were going to be able to contribute this week.)

He would also mention the fact that Norv Turner, all season long, ignored the begging of LaMont Jordan to give him the ball more often early in the game, and not to abandon the run. Yet last weekend, with Jordan out injured, Norv finally did that, giving the ball to his replacement like 10 times in a row to start the game. Basically, Norv was telling Jordan to (expletive) off, and not challenge his "genius" play calling in the press, it seems. Nice. That's how Marchibroda Line members roll.

And to top things off, he'd also mention that for those delusional Raider fans who want to pin their crappy season on Kerry Collins (the scapegoat de jour), it should be noted that the Cowboys (with a similarly stationary, mistake-prone, crappy old QB posting the same type of numbers as Collins, and with a far, far worse selection of running backs and receivers too) are one win away from the playoffs, while the Raiders suck ass.

I'm pretty sure that's what he'd write, had he the time.

MONDAY NIGHT WAKE

Be glad that Lil’ Hater did not see the final telecast of Monday Night Football, which was chalk full of somber tones and wistful retrospectives. Of course, having Joe Theismann join cast next season can cause that. But why all the fuss? What is going to be so different about next season? Other than the Horse Trailer award being switched to the Horses Ass award in honor of Theismann.

The Monday ritual of going to a bar or sitting at home in front of your television will not change much for the general viewing public. Unless of course, you do not have cable. And look, I am made of plastic and even I have cable. Nobody cares which station carries the game as long as it is a good one. You could put it on the Oxygen Network and nobody would care as long as it was a compelling match-up. That is if you could get Jennifer Beals to reschedule her movie.

The Monday night mystique died with Howard Cosell. Just show us a good game and we will be there.

Other Monday thoughts.

Frank Gifford (who had sex with one of the production girls prior to air-time) said one of his fondest memories of Monday Night Football was the San Francisco earthquake in 1989. Except that happened during a World Series game. Poor Giff, still trying to shake off that crushing hit of Chuck Bednarik.

Honestly, how do you show so many Joe Namath highlights without the Suzy Koebler incident?

Who is ABC more embarrassed about hiring, O.J. Simpson or Dennis Miller? The Juice received way more proppers than the embattled comedian.

Have you ever seen a bigger mismatch than the Real World/Road Rules Gauntlet match between Alton and Danny? That was Tom Brady/Peyton Manning like dominance right there. It is too bad that John Madden was not there to announce it and compare Alton to one of his former Raiders players. But what had to be the most embarrassing moment for Danny? Getting punked by Alton like it was some late 1980s WWF squash match? Or having the hot chick (right)giggle at you when you lost?

Brady and Bill Belichick have the second highest winning percentage of a coach/quarterback right behind Madden and Kenny Stabler. The Patriots quarterback and coach, however, will just have to console themselves with three Super Bowl victories (and closing in on a fourth) while Madden and Stabler could only win one.

This just in, Jake in Progress will appear on ESPN next year. Lil' Hater heard that the hot chick was in Playboy. Can anybody help him out in the Hater Nation Forums.

Monday, December 26, 2005

Making Jump from High School to NFL

Some NFL teams have finally taken a stand to allow 18-year olds into the league. That is a good thing. But not in terms of letting guys like Maurice Clarett or Mike Williams into the league early.

Instead, it is decisions by teams like the Tampa Bay Buccaneers that allow 18-year old girls to be a part of its cheerleading team. And thank God there are no player-hating league officials who are opposed to this move. But then again, the NFL front office is filled with horndogs.

And that is just the women.

Tampa Bay’s Kayla Drawdy was recently interviewed in Playboy, becoming the second cheerleader in recent months to appear in the magazine. Sadly, she was the second consecutive cheerleader to not pose nude. Obviously she is not over the hill enough for Playboy’s standards (like former cheerleader Lisa Guerrero). At least she did not have some fabricated story about Chris Simms being trapped in her shower during a road trip.

Playboy: How did you get into cheerleading?
Kayla: I cheered in middle school and high school partly because I liked the dancing and partly because I liked to watch football. Buccaneers cheerleaders only have to be 18, so after high school I went straight to the big league.

When you want to talk about the decline of NFL cheerleaders, there are those that will point to the influx of high-school girls who did not learn the proper skills in college. Can a high school girl drive a guy like Rae Carruth to murder? Probably not.

Playboy: What kind of women become NFL cheerleaders?
Kayla: Everyone on the squad is either a student, like me, or a career woman. We have an attorney, a dentist, a teacher, and a speech pathologist.

Yeah, every strip club in America is filled with women who are studying to become a doctors or accountants. We are not buying it. Many of the Bucs cheerleaders likely use the rap of, “Hey this is a my first week cheerleading. In fact, this is my first game.”

Right. And keep in mind, the two Panthers bimbos caught having sex in a bathroom stall were a student and a nurse.

Playboy: Ever have ego clashes?
Kayla: Our team is not catty—which is hard to find when you are dealing with more than 30 women who spend so much time together. We get along. We’re like an NFL sorority.

Still, it is hard to convince anybody that they are closer than the Panthers cheerleaders. Nothing says teams unity like a bathroom sex and drunken brawls.

Playboy: Do you have a favorite moment?
Kayla: When we won the Super Bowl in my first season. We spent six days in San Diego practicing what we’d do if we won. Then when we did we were like, “What are we supposed to do again?”

It sounds like the Bucs cheerleaders were about as prepared as the Raiders.

Playboy: What did you do?
Kayla: I intercepted one of Rich Gannon’s passes, which gave me as many receptions as Tim Brown.

Alright, we made that last part up. Discuss this broad in the Hater Nation Forums. Steve Bisheff will likely stop in to give his take on the young lady.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

A New Tradition

The niece walked over during Christmas afternoon and asked, “What are you doing, buddy?”

“Watching Brett Favre systematically destroy the Packers Christmas with his erratic play. Would you like to join me?”

“No, thanks,” she said matter-of-factly as she went back to playing with her My Little Pony.

Kids. ... Sometimes they can be so intuitive.

Favre did everything he could to throw away—what could possibly be his last—game with the hated Bears as he tossed three early interceptions. Including one interception that was returned for a touchdown. But inexplicably the Packers defense and special teams had given the team—and Favre—one last chance for a victory.

Did God have one last Christmas miracle left in him?

Nah. Instead it was Favre playing the role of a Christmas turkey as the final ticks of the clock wound down. The family—including the niece—gathered around the television as Favre drove the Packers deep inside Bears territory during the game’s final moments. After the obligatory spike to stop the clock, Favre’s three final plays went sack, sack, and interception. It unfolded as predictably as any of your own holiday traditions. The niece should have stayed with the My Little Pony.

CHARGERS OUT

It was refreshing seeing the Chargers get blown out for a change. How many close losses can a team take? Three home losses to the Cowboys, Steelers, and Dolphins are what doomed the Chargers this year. Not the tough schedule. The truth about 2004 also is evident that the Chargers were really fortunate in their run to the AFC West title a year ago. This club will not make the playoffs next year if the secondary is not improved drastically and another consistent receiving option is evident.

It was not a lost year in San Diego. The Chargers ended the home winning streak of the Patriots, kept the Colts from going undefeated, and punked the Manning family twice. If the Bolts victory eventually leads to another Colts defeat in the playoffs, it will not be a stretch to say that this season was more satisfying than the typical Marty Schottenheimer-like division title followed by a playoff flameout.

That is what the Broncos have to look forward to.

If you want to know why the Chargers lost on Saturday the answers came earlier in the week when the two-biggest Raiders haters, LaDainian Tomlinson and Schottenheimer both admitted they would be rooting for the Raiders this week. Aside from keeping your mind on your own business, it is just bad form to ever root against the Raiders. The only time you would ever consider rooting for the Raiders is when the team was lined-up to play Al Qaeda.

But then you would still be rooting for Bin Laden and Al Qaeda while you gave the points.

WHO WANTS TO WIN THE NFC?

The Carolina Panthers are officially a disappointment. The Cowboys are like that easy girl that all the guys want to date. Yet, she becomes as frigid as Blair Warner when you finally get your chance. The Panthers could have locked up the division, but will now likely go on the road in the playoffs where they will have no chance in Chicago (where they lost earlier).

Of course the big news of the day was that Bill Parcells might step down as the Cowboys coach. This came as big news to those who did not realize that Parcells was still coaching the team. Parcells might as well retire from the game as he has proved to be one of the biggest coaching frauds in NFL history. Parcells has this reputation as an excellent coach, but it becoming obvious that Bill Belichick has always been the brains behind the operation. Parcells is nothing more than the Remington Steele of the NFL.

Parcells record without Belichick (since he first took the Cleveland job in 1991) is 45-49. That is the kind of record you expect for your average Raiders coach.

REGGIE BUSH SWEEPSTAKES UPDATE

This joke is not funny anymore.


Merry Christmas to all, even you Pagens out there. Check out the Hater Nation Forums. It has to beat tackling the crowds at the local mall.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Happy Anniversary: Immaculate Reception

Who says that John Madden could not build a winning franchise? He did—with the Pittsburgh Steelers. And it all started 33 years ago today in a game known for the Immaculate Reception.

The Raiders clung to a 7-6 lead over the host Steelers with 22 seconds remaining when Terry Bradshaw heaved a ball downfield that was apparently broken up by Oakland’s Jack Tatum. But an alert Franco Harris scooped the ball out of the air and raced 58-yards for the game-winning touchdown. While the Steelers would eventually lose in the AFC Championship Game, the club would go on to win four Super Bowls in the decade.

The Raiders? Not so much.

The Raiders reached seven AFC Championship Games during the Madden decade of limitation, losing six of those games to coaches such as Hank Stram, Chuck Noll, and Don Shula—but hey, Madden has a cool video game and a neat television gig. Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Say It Ain't So!

Actress Renee Zellweger had her marriage to country crooner Kenny Chesney annulled recently, saying that the wedding was a “fraud.” What on Earth could she be talking about? Chesney is all man. Why, him and Peyton Manning have watched Top Gun at least 100 times together. There is nothing more butch than that!

YOU'RE A PRO BOWLER ... NOT!

Colts tackle Tarik Glenn was told early yesterday that was he was selected to the Pro Bowl. But after a quick recount, it was found out that Glenn did not have enough votes, according to NFL spokesman Katherine Harris.

Wow, this sounds like Tarik was "punk'd" by the NFL. Colts coach Tony Dungy, was not amused.

"I'm happy with the guys who made it," Dungy said after practice. "And I'm a league guy, but this is a bad, bad situation. They need to tell the whole story and it's not good."

But wait a minute, Tony. We thought you were a fan of a good deception. A little upset that karma would come back to haunt you? Carson Daly must be smilling somewhere. Laugh about it in the Hater Nation Forums.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Jets Fans Can’t Hold Booze

We long figured that Jets fans, the bridge and tunnel trash of NFL fans, could not handle their alcohol. The team confirmed that its fans are lousy drunks when it banned alcohol during the upcoming Monday Night Football game between the Jets and Patriots at Giants Stadium. How are those Jersey girls like Steph supposed to get lucky on a Monday night?

The ban comes after nine fans were arrested during the Jets-Saints game Nov. 27. One man was charged with stabbing two fans in a restroom, and a state trooper broke his leg while trying to eject a fan who reportedly threw a beer bottle.

That’s it? That would be considered a good day at the Oakland Coliseum nursery. It is obvious that Jets fans are soft, too.

Jets spokesman Ron Colangelo said the ban was put in place to protect fans. Or maybe they just wanted its fans sober enough to realize just how awful Brooks Bolinger is.

The ban also comes at a bad time as Coors Light just rolled out its newest campaign, “We’re Number 2!” in a salute to it’s kindred spirits, the Jets fans. “The Jets fans are a lot like our beer. They are cheap, easy, and a second-rate franchise with an inferiority complex,” a Coors spokesman said. The NFL has said that Jets players are ineligible to be the Coors Light Player of the Year.

Not that it would have mattered, but still. Here is to Jets football. Grab a beer and talk about it in the Hater Nation forums.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

From the Desk Of: Lil' Hater

Someone Hand This Man a Cup To Pee In.

The shelf life for running backs in the NFL is, at best, brief. The longevity of a runner listed at 5-foot-10, 200 pounds is, well, shorter. So how is it that [Tiki] Barber, in his ninth season at the age of 30, is getting better and better?

-- Greg Garber
ESPN.com, after Saturday’s game in which the NY/NJ Giants’ Barber ran for a franchise-high 220 yards.

Here's a potential one-word answer to that question: Steroids.

Seriously, why is no one – especially in the Media Capital of the World – bringing up the possibility of this? It seems to be as good as explanation as anything else out there.

Thirty year-old running backs, particularly small guys who’ve carried the ball as much as Tiki Barber has the past nine years, just don’t get better with age. Instead, they atrophy and lose their skills and quickness. And then the Raiders sign them for a long-term contract. It’s an NFL axiom.

Yet Barber gets a free pass on the questions about tapping into the fountain of youth. Even though his head – which, admittedly, has always been a little goofy-looking – is now approaching Barry Bonds’ noggin in terms of bizarro-size. I mean, look at his jaw, it’s Alien-esque. And what is happening to the top of his head? Is he evolving into a sleestack?

The photo on the left is taken from 1997 and the one on the right is from present day. Does this even look like the same guy to you? And just like Bonds, Barber has mysteriously started getting much bigger, better and stronger when normal athletes start to fall apart. Yet Bonds is presumed guilty because he’s a press-hating jerk, but nice-guy Barber gets spreads in GQ.

I’d venture to guess that Visa no longer films ads with Tiki and his twin brother Ronde because, well, they look nothing alike anymore.

(Or, it could because the Visa commercial would fly against the newly-mandated NFL rule requiring every freaking ad to involve the Eagles. Christ. Chunky, Madden, Chunky, Kangaroo Guy in the Eagles Locker Room, Chunky, TO deodorant spot, Chunky … enough already! No amount of funny advertising is going to change the fact that the Eagles are chokers and Eagle fans are dirt bags and a-holes. So just stop it already and go back to beating on that kid in a Redskins jersey.)

Sorry, where was I?

Oh yeah, ‘roids. Would Barber fail a drug test? Of course not, because a league-imposed suspension for the Giants’ best player would fly in the face of the NFL’s season-long campaign to hand over the NFC title to the Shams from the Meadowlands.

  • Extra home game – check.
  • Patsy schedule that includes freebie away games at SF and Oakland.
  • Dead Owner(s) to rally around – check, and check.
  • Not-even-funny-anymore beneficial calls from the refs – check. (With Amani Toomer’s TD ‘catch’ on Saturday just the latest bad call not to get overturned. Hey refs, try growing a set already).
If I were a Seahawks fan, I’d be really worried about getting screwed over in the NFC Championship game. This game will probably be rescheduled for New Jersey, too, because of the threat of rain in Seattle that week.

Man, I hate the Giants.

Respond in the Hater Nation Forums.

Monday, December 19, 2005

FRAVD!

Brett Favre sure seems to be having a lot of fun on the football field. Brett Favre plays football the way it is supposed to be played. Brett Favre created Heaven and Earth in sixth days, and on the seventh day he reached down and had a pass interception.

These are just a few of the superlatives that will be tossed around by John Madden about Favre on Monday night. The dude needs to retire once and for all so we can stop hearing phrases such as, “This could be the last time Brett Favre throws a game-crippling, drive-killing, season ending interception.”

Instead of worrying about putting some talent around Favre, how about giving the poor Packers roster an NFL quarterback that can complete a pass to his own team. They talk about Kyle Orton killing the Bears, what has Favre done to the Packers this season? At least Orton has his team on the verge of the playoffs.

With that, we give you ten of the greatest Favre moments of all-time for those of us that recognize the former Southern Miss quarterback as one of the league’s most overrated. If Trent Dilfer had Favre’s publicist, he would be looking forward to a Pro Football Hall of Fame induction.

10. Favre passes for 331 yards and 2 interceptions in the Packers 27-17 drubbing to the Cowboys in a 1993 NFC Divisional Playoff Game. Favre starts a string of playoff futility that will last a long number of years until the salary cap and Jerry Jones ego finally destroys the Cowboys dynasty.

9. Favre passes for only 194 yards as Chris Boniol defeats the Packers on Monday night, 21-6, in 1996. Religious guy Reggie White starts a fight on the field following the game as Boniol tied a record for most field goals in a game (seven). That's the Packers, classy in defeat.

8. Favre passes for 211 yards and 1 interception as the Packers again fall to the Cowboys in a 1994 NFC Divisional Playoff Game.

7. Favre passes for 256 yards and 3 touchdowns in the Broncos stunning 31-24 victory in Super Bowl XXXII. The game might not have been Favre’s fault. But Favre must now join the list of one-time Super Bowl quarterbacks with Dilfer, Mark Rypien, Brad Johnson and Jeff Hostetler. And Jake Plummer trails by only one.

6. Favre passes for 307 yards and 3 touchdowns against Dallas in the 1995 NFC Championship Game. But his two interceptions, including a back-breaker to Larry Brown (foreshadowing Super Bowl XXX?), cost the Packers the game. Again.

5. Favre finally advances to the Super Bowl. But only after a second-year expansion team—led by Kerry Collins—does all of the heavy lifting. Favre might not have a ring if not for Carolina and Collins, who has more playoff wins over the Cowboys.

4. Favre admits in a Playboy interview that he picks vicodin out of his vomit and retakes them. Millions of fat Wisconsinites no longer embarrassed about free-basing ranch dressing.

3. The Packers have never lost a playoff game at home in the club's proud history. At least until Mike Vick shows up and beats Favre’s Packers, 27-7, in 2002. Favre throws two interceptions in the loss.

2. The Packers now have trouble winning home football games at Lambeau Field thanks to Favre. Mike Tice leads the Vikings (who play in a dome) into Green Bay and they beat up Favre and the Packers, 31-17 in 2004. Favre tosses four interceptions.

1. Critics always like to say that Favre gives the Packers a puncher’s chance in the playoffs. Yeah, right. Favre throws six interceptions against the St. Louis football in the 2001 playoffs. Too bad the puncher is Peter McNeeley

Glorious Failure: A Nation Celebrates

The Hater Nation proudly congratulates Oakland Raider Head Coach Norv Turner, now a career 58-80-1, for becoming the fourth coach to cross The Marchibroda Line ™ .

In the last 55 years of professional football, only three coaches had reached The Marchibroda Line, the true mark of long-term lousy coaches. Entry to the hallowed club is not easy. It requires a career losing record, 80 or more career losses, and no fluke seasons where the coach in question led his team to the league’s championship game.

In addition to its namesake (87-98), Marchibroda Line inductees had only included John McKay (44-84) and Norm VanBrocklin (66-100). Now, you can add Norv to the Mt. Rushmore of perpetual coaching suckiness.

Well done, Norville, well done.

In true Marchibroda Line fashion, Norv entered the club in first-class style. Losing on the last play of the game to the sorry-ass Brown, at home, to a QB who had never won a game before. With a Sea-bass blocked field goal, Derrick Boo-Urgess unsportsmanlike penalty, and an overruled fumble leading to the inevitable last-second Browns field goal. With his team’s best player, Randy Moss, scoring a 1st quarter touchdown, and then not being thrown to again.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is the way Marchibroda Line members roll.

So we at Hater Nation salute you Norv, for this career achievement. It wasn’t easy, and after the seven-year debacle at the Redskins, frankly we thought you’d never get a chance to achieve this type coaching immortality, because no team could be as dumb as to hire you.

But the Raiders proved us wrong, and you proved us wrong. Hats off to you, Sir. Talk about the life and times of Norv Turner in the Hater Nation Forums.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Hope It Is Worth It, Chargers

If the Chargers fail to make the playoffs they are really going to need to ask themselves if it was really worth it. Was it really worth beating the previously unbeaten Colts to keep their postseason hopes alive while allowing the 1972 Dolphins to remain viable? Those camera-mugging glory whores from the NFL's last undefeated team relished in popping the champagne corks on Sunday.

"It's just another example of how tough it is to run the table in the NFL. And while congratulations are in order to the Colts for the great run they had this year, it points out once again that the 1972 team was something special, even if we don't always get recognized as such," said Manny Fernandez, a defensive lineman on that team.

Don’t always get recognized? There isn’t a team in all of sports that practices more self-congratulatory hand jobs than the 1972 Dolphins. Even Neil Armstrong was more humble. But that didn’t stop some of the Dolphins from overstating their accomplishment.

"If they had been able to go undefeated, then we could have someone to talk to who would understand the experience," former running back Mercury Morris said. "It's like trying to describe to someone what it's like to walk on the moon. It's only a description -- they'll never know until they go."

Morris then celebrated the demise of the last undefeated team in the same way that he always had—a line of cocaine and a few hookers.

Morris wasn’t the only one to speak out as two of America’s original player haters—Don Shula and Bob Griese—held a press conference to talk about that even they don’t always get recognized for.

"We're depicted as being happy about somebody's misfortune," Shula said. Yet when San Diego's Keenan McCardell made an ill-advised decision to field a punt at his goal line Sunday, Shula angrily rose from his skybox seat, stomped around the room and then stood in the corner fuming.

"I got up and displayed some anger," Shula said later. "I was sort of upset. Wouldn't you be?"

No. Actually most people would have gone on with their lives and show nsome couth and sportsmanship. Shula instead cries like some middle-aged private school administrator loser who pouts about other people’s fantasy football team.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

Griese does get a pass with us by at least being honest with his assessment.

"In the end, I was sorry to see them lose, because it would have been great for a team like that to win them all," Griese said. "It's not like they are the Oakland Raiders, where it would be hard to root for them to go undefeated."

CHESNEY TO WRITE NEW SONG

Do you suppose that country-western star Kenny Chesney had to field numerous phone calls from a sobbing Peyton Manning who appeared to be in playoff form on Sunday? The good news for Manning is that it will not look as bad when his team chokes in the playoffs this year, as it would have if the Colts had been 16-0.

You might not want to mention this to the Colts, but the Patriots are gaining on them. Is there anybody out there, especially after Sunday, that still believes the Colts are the team to beat in the AFC?

THE LIST

The media is lying to you when it says that the Dolphins are the only NFL team to go undefeated. The Akron Pros (8-0-1 in 1920), Canton Bulldogs (10-0-2 in 1922, 11-0-1 in 1923) and Green Bay Packers (12-0-1 in 1929) went undefeated. The 1942 Chicago Bears went 11-0 in the regular season but lost to Washington, 14-6, in the NFL Championship Game.

HOW ABOUT THEM COWBOYS?

Can’t recall the Cowboys getting a beating like that in Washington since the 1982 NFC Championship Game. Do you know who finished that game at quarterback for the Cowboys?

Wrong, it actually was Drew Pearson. The Cowboys had gone to the locker room with time remaining on the clock, but came back out on the field for one final play with Pearson at quarterback and Gary Hogeboom at receiver.

Of course, Danni Boatwright from Survivor would have known that because she hosted a weekend sports talk show in Kansas.

USC TO LOSE ITS BACKFIELD?

The Los Angeles Daily News broke the story on Saturday that Reggie Bush might turn pro. You think? But the disturbing thing for Trojans fans might be that LenDale White told the Orange County Register on Saturday that he will go hard for the Heisman Trophy IF he returns to USC. Hey, the Register might have broke a story. Steve Bisheff must have had the day off.

The Los Angeles Times responded on Sunday with a story that Matt Leinart was indeed going pro this season. Way to go LA Times. Smart move with all of those layoffs.

WHAT IS GOING ON IN HOUSTON?

The Texans seemed to be determined to show the world they are not tanking the season by beating up on the Cardinals. Bad move. Now a New Year’s Day match-up in San Francisco looms large.

MONDAY NIGHT PREVIEW

Bad news for the Ravens, but Brett Favre’s grandmother had a stroke recently. Does this guy ever have a tragedy during the offseason? And ask yourself this while John Madden is heaping praise on Favre tonight. Why does this guy get so much praise? Favre is nothing more than Jake Plummer with a pain-killer addiction and a southern drawl.

Make fun of the Colts and the 1972 Dolphins in the Hater Nation Forums.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

What's Up For Week 15?

The NAACP has come down on Donovan McNabb for “selling out” because he no longer scrambles out of the pocket. It felt that McNabb should keep it real by running like Michael Vick and throwing off target passes like the Falcons quarterback. At least McNabb has that last part down pat. The NAACP also has suggested the McNabb knock up a few women, get a cool alias like Ron Mexico, and get a couple of lap dances on a luxury yacht to increase his credibility.

In related news, the Church of Jesus Christ of the Later Day Saints has said that Steve Young sold out the Mormon religion by refusing to stand in the pocket, and instead scrambling like one of those sons of Cain.

So what else is up for Week 15?

What is your official take on the Colts going 16-0?

Obviously the Chargers need to win this game on Sunday. But to put that aside there are a couple of points here. The 1972 Dolphins need to go away. The Canton Bulldogs did not player hate like these jokers. This record needs to be erased from the books. The Colts would go 16-0 and lose in the playoffs in a perfect world. That would cement Peyton Manning as the greatest regular season quarterback in NFL history, but the biggest playoff choker. It is almost enough to make you root for the Colts on Sunday.

What is your official take on the Vikings boat cruise?

You want us to swing in Sports Dork style and submit a rehashed joked days too late?

Good point, moving on …

In light of the Dolphins defeating the Chargers, what is the biggest upset of the season?

The Dolphins was not even the biggest upset on Sunday. It was Danni winning Survivor. We have already covered this at length, but the Gary Hogeboom situation still haunts us. Danni contends that she recognized Hogeboom because she went to a Central Michigan game and the place was like a shrine to him. So we had our correspondent, Erin in Ottawa (yes that one), check the CMU media guide. Her findings included a few mentions on the all-time list and one picture.

Hardly a shrine. Former Chippewa receiver Rob Turner gets more love than that. It was an obvious plant as we surmised many weeks ago. As we said then (and was reported by other sites recently) we know Cowboys fans such as Rob in Tampa (yes that one) that would not have been able to recognized him.

How many times are we going to see replays of the Tuck Game during Gruden’s return to Foxboro?

The over/under is six.

Which game has the biggest playoff implications?

It is easily the Chiefs and the Giants today. This game will have an extremely large impact on the playoffs which start today—fantasy playoffs that is. Today features a huge matchup between running backs Tiki Barber and Larry Johnson. (Lucky you if you have both.) Did you know that Chiefs running back Johnson already ranks fourth among all fantasy running backs? Hopefully that can make up for Peyton Manning who appears to be going half throttle for the rest of the season.

And forget reading this, go get your Christmas shopping done. But you can hang out at the Hater Nation Forums.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Terrell Owens Has A Point

Terrell Owens let it all hang out in a recent interviewwith GQ Magazine about his unfair treatment in Philadelphia. It is going to be hard to admit this, but dude has a point about last year's Super Bowl.

"When I was rehabbing, they called me selfish for trying to get on the field to play," Owens explained. "I said, 'You guys are labeling me selfish for rehabbing, trying to play in the biggest game of the year?' If Brett Favre had done it, you would've said he was a hero, would've given him an 'ironman' award or something like that.

"But me? For whatever reason, I was selfish. And for the life of me, I just don't understand."

That makes sense. We went back to look at our archives to see what we were saying at the time. This is kind of surprising. Here is what we wrote way back in January.

The Hater Nation does not like Terrell Owens. But why are the critics calling him out for trying to play in the Super Bowl? If this was Peyton Manning, ESPN would be fellating Manning as the bravest quarterback ever to put on a pair of cleats.

Instead Owens is called "selfish" because he's trying to lead his team to a Super Bowl victory. Owens is guilty of many things, but this certainly isn't one of them.

Not only did we agree with Owens back then, we almost had the same verbatim point. We are officially scared now.

Lil' Hater Remembers: Darrell Russell

How will you remember former Raiders defensive tackle Darrell Russell? Will you remember him for being the second overall pick in the 1997 NFL Draft? For being selected the Pro Bowl twice in his first three years? Or will he be remembered for throwing away his talent by being suspended by the league three times for drug possession?

Personally, we will always remember Russell as the guy who held the camera as two of his friends raped an unconscious girl. Or maybe as the guy who was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence while leaving a well-known brothel in Nevada while awaiting the said sex crime trial.

Said former Raiders tackle Lincoln Kennedy: "He was a big kid like me who had a big heart. He couldn't say no to anybody."

Like when his friends said, "Hey Darrell, why don't you hold this video camera while we rape this unconscious girl." Dude couldn't say no. It is a shame that Greg Haidl wasn't riding in the car.

Hell sure is becoming a crowded place this week with Russell and Tookie Williams.

A READER REMEMBERS

From our fan, J.J. "Russell, 29, was a passenger in a car driven by former USC teammate Mike Bastianelli that went out of control about 6 a.m. and hit a curb, tree, newsstand, fire hydrant, light pole, another tree and an unoccupied transit bus," Lt. Paul Vernon said.

That's more hitting than he ever did as a raider.


Yep, those are my readers. Send us the hate mail in the

Thursday, December 15, 2005

NFL Doing Its Part for Hurricane Relief

Do not say that the NFL does not care.

The NFL and the Players Association on Wednesday agreed to a negotiated bonus for the Saints for the 2005 season for performing under unusual and unanticipated conditions arising from Hurricane Katrina. Players will receive $40,000 for each Saints player who has been on the roster for the entire regular season.

It is good to see that the NFL millionaires are being well taken care of by the league. It is not like 40 percent of the city is still without power. Nearly 80 percent of the city is still dispersed while a quarter of the residents that do remain do not have water or gas. At least they have their priorities together, such as requesting an additional $30 million to add luxury boxes with glass walls in the Super Dome.

But hey, the Saints will receive more than $2 million in bonuses from the league. That is double than what the league had donated to the Katrina relief efforts. Maybe they should give the Giants another home game and run another faux telethon that had the sincerity of that LA guy in a club claiming to be a movie producer.

And if you are going to talk about restitution, maybe it is time to give the Cardinals players some bonuses for having to play for that rancid franchise. Talk about your suffering. Discuss it in the Hater Nation Forums.

Coming to Theaters This Spring

From Miramax Pictures, the studio that brought you the Piano and the Crying Game comes what is sure to be one of the most talked about films of our generation.

Theirs is a love like no other. Two men, bound by their rugged and testosterone-driven professions, are forced to hide a deep-seeded love and admiration to appease their homophobic fan base.

Quarterback Mountain is the true love story of Peyton Manning and Kenny Chesney who fall deeply in love on a camping trip. But the world and the fan bases of professional football and country music are just not ready for two of its brightest stars to be out-of-the-closet homosexuals. The story follows Manning who goes to great lengths to hide his love (despite those internet photos), even having a former Colts cheerleader fabricate a story about the quarterback hiding in her show while on the road. Chesney marries a Hollywood starlet to keep his secret.

Can the two protagonist lovers ever celebrate their love in public during the apex of their careers? Be sure to watch Quarterback Mountain to find out.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Last and Ten: Holiday Edition

For newcomers to the site, the Last and Ten is a semi-regular feature that often appears in the left margin. It's a David Letterman ripoff, sure, but it is sometimes worth a cheap laugh. So without further ado, the Last and Ten Holiday Gifts for NFL Coaches.

10. Bill Belicheck: A Nordstrom Card and a tailor.
9. Mike Tice: A Life Vest.
8. Bill Parcells: A man bra (or bro).
7. Dom Capers: An OJ-like running back.
6. Norv Turner: A facial.
5. Andy Reid: A wide receiver who won't quit and a quarterabck that does not get tired.
4. Mike Martz: Some heart.
3. Tony Dungy: A personality more lively than Terry Schiavo
2. Jim Haslett: To remove the dead from the SuperDome, including Aaron Brooks' career.
1. Gunther Cunningham: Some class.


Matt Leinart Hits the Town

Everybody seems to be having a good time with USC quarterback Matt Leinart and this candid photo from a post-Heisman party.

But remember one thing: This guy beat your favorite college football team by 50 points.

While Leinart was out partying in the hottest club in New York City last week, you were stuck at home watching Saturday Night Live (which probably sucked again). Who is laughing now?

For more on the story you can check out the DeadSpin. Which, incidentally, is where we ripped this photo from. A new "Last and Ten" will be up around noon PST, so be sure to check back.

Breaking Down the Playoff Contenders

This is the time of year that the good teams start gearing up for the playoffs and Matt Millen starts scouting wide receivers. How does your team stack up? The Hater Nation is here to break it down.

AFC
  1. Indianapolis. No, this will be the year that Peyton Manning and Tony Dungy finally win the big one. Yeah, that was the same thinking that inspired Charlie Brown to try to kick that football time after time.

  2. Denver. Quarterback Jake Plummer once led the Cardinals to a playoff victory. That is more impressive than Tom Brady's three Super Bowls. Winning a playoff game for the Cardinals is more improbable than Katie Holmes being impregnated through heterosexual sex.

  3. Cincinnati. Let’s look over all of the Bengals big wins this season. Wow, that was fast.

  4. New England. Hey look the Patriots are getting healthy. If the Patriots win again this season, you have to figure that Archie Manning is going to go Gillooly on Tom Brady at some point.

  5. Jacksonville. Quarterback David Gerrard is no Rico Suave.

  6. Pittsburgh. The Steelers have better its playoff chances now that they have no shot for home-field advantage. Trust us, it is for the best.
On the bubble:

San Diego: Benching Antonio Gates for the first game seems like a real smart decision now, eh? It is hard to believe that a Marty Schottenheimer-coached team would lose so many close games.

Kansas City: The Chiefs must have cried themselves to sleep following that heart-breaker at Dallas. The good news is that superfan Danni Boatwright won the $1 million on Survivor. That has to count for something right?

Oakland: The Raiders are never out of it. Never!

NFC
  1. Seattle. Do you think the NFL would ever let a team with uniforms that ugly play in the Super Bowl?

  2. Chicago. Nice offense. But hey, Rex Grossman should be able to save the day.

  3. New York Giants. Let's say the Manning family record in the playoffs does not bode well for the G-Men.

  4. Tampa Bay. The Buccaneers might have improved their chances by signing Jeff Hostetler’s kid as an injury replacement for Chris Simms.

  5. Carolina. This team is the equivalent of a girl that looks hot in a bar/club, but downright hideous when you get her home. Except the opposite because the Panthers are only good at home.

  6. Dallas. Seeing Drew Bledsoe wears numer 11, which reminds us of Danny White. And by thinking of Danny White in the playoffs makes us think of Gary Hogeboom and the 1982 NFC Championship Game. And now Hogeboom is back in the nation's mind after his stint on Survivor. Think about that. As Pumpkin Escobar would say, "I don't know what the [expletive] you just said, Little Kid, but you're special man, you reached out, and you touch a brother's heart."
(Don't worry, that did not make sense to anybody else either.)

On the bubble:

Minnesota: America is rooting for the Vikings not because they are a likeable team, but because it would mean two weeks of the "Boat Cruise" resets.

Atlanta: Playoffs? Who is talking about the playoffs? We don’t have a diddley-pooh chance of making the playoffs. Alright, that joke was lifted from D.J. Gallo. But why should the Sports Dork be the only one who can steal jokes from him?

Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Didn't You Used to be Freddie Mitchell?

What else are former Eagles receivers to do on a Monday night other than to celebrate Terrell Owens birthday at the 40/40 Club in "Not Las Vegas" (Atlantic City)? Owens hosted his own birthday bash in the club owned by some irrelevant rapper (Jay Z Diddy or something) and Mitchell was able to free himself from Arena Football League tryouts to attend the event.

Some current Eagles, including Jevon Kearse, Lito Sheppared, and L.J. Smith were in attendance along with football players Clinton Portis, Santana Moss and Laveranues Coles. Former Cowboys receiver Michael Irvin led the crowd in a rendition of "Happy Birthday" and served as the party's official drug paraphernalia holder. Irvin personally patted down ever guest to ensure they were not "holding."

Hater Nation contributor Drew Rosenhaus arrived with Owens shortly before midnight and mingled with the crowd which included hired actors and models who danced at the party while they wore Owens' shirts with his No. 81. The shirts were different colors and there were question marks where the team name was supposed to be. Wow, how clever.

The most impressive part of the evening might have been those who were invited but could not attend—Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb, singer Fantasia, along with actors Jamie Foxx, Will Smith, and Jessica Simpson. The recently separated Simpson was at home hopping to hear word on her Golden Globe nomination for the Dukes of Hazzard, while Foxx was out protesting the execution of Tookie Williams who was Terminated by California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger early Tuesday morning. Was your invitation lost in the mail? Bemoan it here at the Hater Nation Forums.

Race Coming Down to the Wire

Sunday had some of the best games of the season as two teams in particular battled hard for a prized spot. One team did whatever it would take to reach its goal. The other would not. It is no surprise that the Houston Texans have remained in pole position to draft Reggie Bush. The Texans make the plays that need to be made, but the Packers could not keep pace.

Evidentially Packers historian Lee Remmel seems to be the only one who remembers that the club passed on Barry Sanders to draft Tony Mandarich. All Packers coach Mike Sherman had to do was put the ball in Brett Favre’s hands and a loss was inevitable. But Sherman decided to get cute and give the ball to running back Samkon Gado, who not surprisingly, wants to win and keep Reggie Bush far away from the team.

But fate seemed to be smiling on the Packers.

Late in the fourth quarter, Gado was tackled 2-yards deep in his endzone. Gado flipped the ball forward as he was going down making, making it a forward pass. Referee Mike Carey ruled a safety on the basis of intentional grounding. But after a stupid challenge by Sherman, the call was reversed because Gado was outside of the tackle box, making it simply an incomplete pass. If Sherman does the right thing and takes the safety, the Packers are still in the Reggie Bush sweepstakes.

But Sherman takes the easy way out and goes for the victory. That is why Houston is leading to get the USC running back, and the Packers are heading for a draft pick who will become a trivia answer in a few years.

At least if Texans kicker Kris Brown has something to say about it. The former Cornhusker missed the go-ahead field goal with just under four minutes remaining and then had an improbable 31-yard field goal attempt with no time left on the clock fail so far left, even Paul Hornung would be embarrassed that somebody was trying to throw a game that bad. It was like that scene in the James Woods’ vehicle, Diggstown, where a young boxer is so bad at throwing a fight that he eventually is killed. But everybody in Houston now loves Brown—although the team giving him a five-year extension for missing the kick was a bit much. But that is Houston. It is doing everything it can to land Bush, and for good reason.

There are those experts—Eric Allen—who believe that the Texans would be better served to trade down, pick up some extra picks and linemen and go forward. That sounds great in theory. But do you think the Raiders would rather have Robert Gallery or Phillip Rivers/Ben Roethlisberger right now? You don't pass on playmakers. You would think that Packers would have learned that by now.

Talk about it more in the Hater Nation Forums.

The Folks at Deadspin Have Good Taste

The popular website, Deadspin, has submitted its list for the top Raiders-hating website in all of the land. And the Hater Nation tops the list. Here is what they have to say: Not just about hating the Raiders — there is plenty of vitriol for everyone. But when one sees a headline such as "The Raiders: Cheating Female Dogs," one knows where the focus is.

The Hater Nation would love to thank those cheating female dogs in Oakland for making this possible. Yo Jennie, we did it!

Monday, December 12, 2005

Happy Birthday, Chairman

Frank Sinatra would have been 90 years old today. America celebrates George Washington and Abraham Lincoln’s birthdays, but nothing for Sinatra? Did either one of those two former presidents ever bed Marilyn Monroe or Ava Gardner? They have nothing on ol’ blue eyes. If we are ever elected to congress, we will certainly make this a top priority.

We also would like to wish a be-lated birthday to Sammy Davis, Jr. (December 9). You can discuss the life and times of Sinatra at the Hater Nation Forums.

From the Desk of Lil' Hater

EAST RUTHERFORD, NEW JERSEY Oakland Raider fans yesterday were treated to an educational game which saw a team going nowhere this season, missing its starting quarterback, and having their best offensive player injured, not quit and rally for victory in support of their embattled head coach.

Of course, that team was Oakland’s competitor, the NY Jets. The Raiders again quit-ingly laid down and quit like the quitters that they are (Editor – Let’s pretend were at least objective here in the game reports).

The Raiders are now a disastrous, horrific (Editor – that's what I'm talking about. You're killing me here) 4-9 for the season, and with three more losable/quit-able (You're pushing me) games to end the season, stand an outside chance of landing a top two or three draft pick this summer.

Which they'll promptly blow on a no-talent loser (Editor – That's it. I'm outta here…).

The Jets, an embarrassing excuse for an NFL team this season, routed Oakland, 26-10, ending a seven-game losing streak. It is just their third victory this season. They were led by Cedric "the Entertainer" Houston, who may or may not be a real NFL running back; he gained 74 yards in place of injured Curtis Martin. Seventy-four year old shortstop Brooks Robinson also passed for a touchdown, in place of Chad Pennington. Jets players dedicated the game to coach Herm Edwards, a nice guy who no matter what gets his team to play hard every week. The Jets committed five penalties.

The Raiders, on the other hand, cowardly blamed the loss on coach Norv Turner, a nice guy who never, ever gets his team to play hard every week. The Raiders committed 13 penalties.

"I'm very frustrated," running back LaMont "Its On Me" Jordan actually said, blaming Turner for not running the ball enough with a new QB under center, Mosi Tatupu.

"I sat back and watched a rookie [Houston] get double the carries I had," continued the selfish Jordan, who reportedly took it on himself to be a team leader this season, before promptly sticking a knife in the back of his coach Sunday.

"Bringing in a new quarterback, you would think there would be more of an emphasis on the running game," added Jordan, who was clearly embarrassed by the rookie Jets running back who upstaged him during his return to the Meadowlands.

Al Davis would be rolling in his grave if he saw the shambolic performance of his team on Sunday.

LIL HATER NOTES:COOL NEW CATCH PHRASE INVENTED HERE

For Norv Turner, now a career record of 58-79-1, the latest loss brings him a mere one – ONE!!! -- defeat away from the Hater Nation-trademarked Marchibroda Line, the point which differentiates the dime-a-dozen Marty Morninwhegs from the world-class, long-term underachievers.

The Hater Nation, in a feeble attempt to coin a phrase as cool as the SportsDork’s "Ewing Theory," will be playing up Norv's tragi-comic quest to reach The Marchibroda Line in the next week. God help us all if he’s canned in the next six days.

Have a favorite game where Norv pulled defeat from the jaws of victory? Where the offensive genius forgot to give his best player the ball? Where he was totally out-coached by the like of Mike Martz? Let us know at the Hater Nation Forums.

Will Manning Be Ultimate Survivor?

There is an interesting parallel between Stephanie LaGrossa, the runner-up for Survivor Guatemala, and Colts quarterback Peyton Manning. Stephanie, like the Colts quarterback, was a popular loser. She was America’s sweetheart and one of the game’s record breakers (something like surviving 25 tribal councils.) CBS set up the current edition of the game (which concluded Sunday night) for Stephanie to win. Much like the Colts were given a favorable schedule to start the season, Stephanie always was put into the best position possible.

But there was something about Stephanie that drove the hardcore fans of the game mad. Like Manning, she was pretty good at duping the general public, the mass majority of morons that buy into public images perpetuated by television personalities. But deep down she was a backstabber. Stephanie was a ruthless player, much like Manning who proved what a catty female dog he could be last week in an incident against Tennessee.

Stephanie was able to advance to Survivor’s Super Bowl after finally outlasting the gay guy (which would be like Manning finally beating Tom Brady). But in the end, a loser always fails. Outside of Brett Favre, it is nearly impossible for a loser to shed that label and win the ultimate prize. So it looks like Stephanie’s overwhelming defeat in the final tribal council will foreshadow an epic meltdown for Manning in the Super Bowl.

BAD NEWS FOR FANTASY OWNERS

Congratulations to all of you fantasy football owners who drafted Manning. Your team should have clinched a playoff spot on Sunday. Too bad Manning and the rest of the Colts will be phoning in the rest of the month (wow, athletes are so like us) pretty much ruining your fantasy team’s chances.

Imagine that, Manning blowing playoff after playoff for real, and now putting his indelible mark on the fantasy world as one of the best QBs in the regular season but not somebody you can count on in the playoffs.

MORE SURVIVOR NEWS

It is funny that winner Danni Boatwright looked much better in the jungle than in her makeup at the Survivor reunion show. Not that she could not have used a few cheeseburgers in the Mayan ruins, but she looked completely uncomfortable made up like a playmate. It was completely unnecessary as she look uncomfortable. Not in a WNBA-girl-in-heels funny, but more that she was uncomfortable. Like CBS ruined her by making her look like a tramp.

Danni also gave a reasonable explination for being able to recognize Gary Hogeboom. But we are still not buying it. No way. The dude looks nothing like he did when he played for the Cowboys. Besides, she said that Hogeboom looked more like Brett Favre. Hogeboom probably could have defeated Detroit in regulation last night.

JANUARY TEE TIMES AT A PREMIUM IN SAN DIEGO

The Chargers were unofficially eliminated from the playoffs on Sunday, as they lost a home game to the Dolphins. This was indeed a “trap-game” with the Colts looming on the horizon. But the Chargers squandered their margin for error (and the chance to lose games like this) by choking four games in horrific fashion earlier this season.

Maybe next year the Chargers can suspend LaDainian Tomlinson for three games to really put themselves in a hole.

BENGALS WIN, BUT NO JOHNSON CELEBRATION

Chad Johnson did not score a touchdown in the Bengals victory over Cleveland on Sunday. It is a shame, too. Word on the street was that Johnson was going to grab the referee’s microphone after his touchdown and say, “You don’t live in Cleveland, you live in Cincinnati, stand up and cheer like you mean it.”

HANDICAPPING THE BUSH RACE

The Jets may have removed themselves for the Reggie Bush sweepstakes with a victory over the Raiders on Sunday. But is getting the chance to draft the most electrifying running back since LaDainian Tomlinson worth losing a game to the Raiders? It seems like the Jets made the right choice. Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Things We Thought We'd Never See

A Bush winning a legitimate national election.

You always have to be concerned that West Coast player is not going to winner the hardware that he deserves. Think Danny Awful over Jake Plummer in 1996 or Gino Torretta over Marshall Faulk in 1992. It is cause for celebration when the voters actually get one right. The voters got it right with Reggie Bush who won the 2005 Heismann Trophy on Saturday.

Bush made opponents miss all season as he lapped the competition and the Heisman balloting was no different. Bush received the second most points and first-place votes along with the largest percent of first-place votes in Heisman history.

Needless to say, there will be no recount.


Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Dancing With Stars Contestant Revealed

WWF Superstar Stacy Keibler will join the cast of ABC’s runaway hit, Dancing with the Stars, II. Keibler, a former Ravens cheerleader, will be this year’s token hot chick with a fanatical fan following that should push her all the way to the title. Just like last year’s winner Kelly Monaco.

Not like we, uh, keep track or this kind of thing.

Keibler gave an interview to WWE.com you can read here. Keibler was asked the question that we all want to know. Namely, is she going to lose her top like Monaco did last year?

“ I won’t be having any planned wardrobe malfunctions. That’s for sure,” Keibler said.

Ah, but we can dream can’t we? America will no doubt be pulling for Keilber whose victory would set up an ultimate "bra-and-panties" ballroom dance off at the next Wrestlemania. You can discuss this and hopefully somebody will have more pictures in the Hater Nation Forums.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Lisa Guerrero: Myth Buster?

Sports Illustrated caught up with Lisa Guerrero and got to the bottom of this whole nonsense of baseball wives nude modeling and their husband's career. You can read the interview here.

Most of the interview centers around Guererro and her notion that she is a real sports journalist. She is just a journalist that likes to pose in bikinis, lingerie, and now nude.

Just like Dan Rather.

But she finally got down to business at the end of the interview to take a shot at another outspoken baseball wife.

SI.com: Early this week, Anna Benson, pinup wife of Mets hurler Kris Benson, blasted the team for threatening to trade her husband if she poses in Playboy. Did your shoot have any bearing on your husband's free-agent negotiations?

Guerrero: (laughs) It would be ridiculous for me to assume that me posing in pictures would have any effect on his career. I think it'd be silly for people to assume he was a better or worse pitcher based on pictures of his wife.

Or is it? Let’s take a look at the numbers.

Scott Erickson: 1-4, 4.06 ERA, 15ks, 25 walks, and his wife Lisa Guerrero is posing nude in Playboy.
Kris Benson: 10-8, 4.19 ERA, 95ks, 49 walks, and his wife Anna Benson is not posing nude in Playboy.

Maybe a player’s career does have a bearing on the playing career of her husband. Erickson, whose wife is dropping the robe, cruised through nearly the entire 2005 season on the Dodgers injured list. He made Benson look like Nuke Laloosh when he was holding out on Annie Savoy. And we bet Benson did not even have to wear a black garter. Still, neither pitcher was set the league on fire. Maybe there is a theory in there. Maybe the hotter your wife is, and the more skin she is willing to reveal, the worse a player will perform.

That sure explains why Kurt Warner was the talk of the NFL for a number of years. Let that be a lesson to all of you young players out there.

Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums. And seriously, we are above asking you to vote for the Hater Nation in the Weblog Awards. If you are looking for photos from her Playboy shoot, you can check out NFL Spam for the nude photos. (Sorry, no nudes here.)

The Raiders: Cheating Female Dogs

Although that take is about as fresh as your typical Steve Bisheff column.

LaDainian Tomlinson's bruised ribs were caused by a little extra curricular activity (the kind endorsed by John Madden) at the end of a play against the Raiders on Sunday. Raiders linebacker and NFL jobber Darrin Clark was caught on tape jamming his fist into Tomlinson's ribs at the end of a play in the second quarter.

The came on the heels of earlier players where Clark had pulled out a foreign object from his football pants but swung and missed as he also misfired when he tried to throw salt in Tomlinson’s eyes. He is no Ric Flair.

The media was tipped off by an email to a local San Diego television station by a fan who had caught Clark in the act. The running back, being the man that he is, did not want to harp on the injury or bring it to light, but did confirm it on Wednesday.

"I will say somebody must be paying close attention to the play if they saw that," Tomlinson said during his weekly news conference. "It was a situation where, being the Raiders, you kind of expect it to happen."

Said quarterback Drew Brees: "I heard the guy was giving him a little bit extra at the bottom of the pile."

A Raider?

"Yeah, imagine that," Brees said.

Raiders coach Bobby "The Brain" Heenan and defensive coordinator Mr. Fuji were unavailable for comment. If Tony Dungy was the coach of the Raiders, you know he would be defending Clark's actions by saming something like there were two teams out there flying around trying to win a ballgame. You can read the rest of the story, here.

This obviously will be the highlight of the Raiders season as you can imagine their fans pumping their fist and saying, "That's Raiders football."

Being 4-8 is Raiders football.

AWARDS SEASON

It always struck us as odd that Hilary Swank never thanked Joyce Hyser after she won the Academy Award for Boys Don't Cry. If Hyser had not already done the whole, "pretending to be a boy" in Just One of the Guys, Swank's flick might not have ever happened. So we would like to thank our loyal readers who have nominated us for The Weblog Awards and we ask you all to vote … for Deadspin. (Just kidding, please vote for us. We have a Bill Simmons' type of thin skin that needs constant reassurance. So vote for us.)

As always, we invite you to continue to ignore the Hater Nation Forums.