Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Raiderettes Receive National Award

WEST HOLLYWOOD The Raiderettes, the official cheerleaders of NFL's Oakland Raiders, received the National Achievement Award from the National Association for the Advancement of Transvestite People on Tuesday. The Raiderettes were honored for having the first transvestite cheerleader in NFL history.

C.C. (right) is in its first season as a member of the Raiderettes and serves as an inspiration to its peers.

"This is a proud day for transvestites everywhere," said spokesperson Ginger. "It has taken so long for us to finally gain acceptance in such a manly sport such as football. We are glad the Raiders were the first organization to do so."

The Raiderettes said that they did not set out to make history when they added the first "Tranny" to its cheerleading squad. But, much like the Raiders makeshift secondary, had to make do with the available personnel. Besides, C.C. was able to use the men's bathroom which allowed the Raiderettes to avoid some embarrassing situations, unlike those Carolina Panthers cheerleaders.

"We had a lot more girls to choose from when we were in Southern California," said one Raiderettes official. "But have you seen some of the girls in Northern California, specifically Oakland? There was nothing we could really do about it. And if anything, it made the swimsuit calendar shoot really interesting."

NFL players around the league were surprised to find out that one of the cheerleaders they had been ogling on the sidelines was really a transvestite. Other players were not really that concerned.

"I don't know what the big deal is," Patriots quarterback Tom Brady said. "It seemed pretty cool to me."

The Hater Nation salutes the Raiders in this instance. To see more of the Raiders transvestite cheerleaders, check out the Hater Nation forums.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Have We Been Too Hard on Raiders Fans?

Are Raiders fans really bad guys?

"It really is entirely a misperception," says Amy Trask, the Raiders chief executive. "The reality is the Coliseum is a very nice environment to watch a game. If you walk through the sections, as I do, you literally see everyone from babies to elderly grandparents."

Or how about this from the Raiders Take:

I'll never forget attending my first Raiders game after the team returned to Oakland. The Coliseum lot was nearly full and we were having a tough time finding a parking spot, until some dude jumped out and waved us down. He and his buddies promptly cleared their barbecue and chairs out of the way so we could park. That's the kind of neighborly Raiders fan story you read in the media every day, isn't it?

There are some good Raiders fans. Just like Morgan Freeman's character in Shawshank Redemption, there is good surrounded by evil. It is a shame for some fans like the Raiders take and other serious fans that they are grouped together with the hooligans and thugs often linked with the group. But the Raiders fans sure like to have it both ways, don’t they? Sure, some become indignant when the national media calls Raiders fans ruffians. Yet most Raiders fans enjoy the rough and tumble image and even go out of their way to perpetuate the stereotype. Just look at a recent “Ask a Raiders Fan feature” where we asked a fan what the Black Hole dresses up for on Halloween:

"You know what's funny? You would never say this to one of their faces. They'd stomp the shit out of you and you know that. So therefore, you’re going on the Internet talking all sorts of ignorant shit."

This is all the media's fault, right? Again, there are good Raiders fans, but the stereotype exists for a reason. San Francisco Chronicle columnist CW Nevius wrote an interesting piece recently about Raiders fans killing the team's bottom line by keeping people away from the stadium.

Nevis has had his own problem with Raiders fans: Several years ago I drove my wife's new car to a game. Some fans recognized me as a reporter and gave me what I thought was a good-natured ribbing. When I came back, the car had been trashed to the tune of over $2,000.

Is that just an isolated incident? Oakland Police Lt. David Kozicki said that police arrests at Raiders game were down from 70 to about half that—meaning that 35 people still get arrested at each Raiders game. Of course, that number might reflect a half-empty stadium. Raiders fans have avoid the Coliseum like it was hosting a screening of the movie Crossroads. And it is because this type of behavior still exists.

We were at the first Raiders game back in Oakland. A Chargers fan made the mistake of flying up to see the game. As the Raiders victory became inevitable, the Chargers fan walked out of his seat—after being pelted by debris—and was confronted in the walkway by a Raiders fan who resembled Kevin Nash. The bully backhanded the man's Chargers hat down about six rows and finally let him pass. I scooped up the hat and raced to find the Chargers fan, but he was long gone.

But the reputation is not.

It was Ice-T that best talked about attending a Raiders game in his song, Colors. "You ain't my set, you ain't my friend. Wear the wrong colors, your life can end."

Agree or disagree, talk about it in the Hater Nation forums.

Welcome to Hater Week!

Hi, my name is Dalton and you might remember me from the movie, Road House. I have been hired by the Chargers to regulate the crowd here at Qualcomm Stadium this week. If you thought the Double Deuce was tough, it is nothing compared to a Raiders game in San Diego. It is especially daunting being a night game, with gives Chewy and the rest of his posse a chance to knock back a couple of extra Tecates. It won’t be pretty. But for me, pain don't hurt, so I will tell the homeboys to bring it on.

That is why I have three rules for Raiders/Chargers week. The first is to never underestimate your opponent. Even if he is a skinny fellow in a wife beater tank top. If he is a Raiders fan, he likely has a knife. Two, take it outside of the stadium. You don’t want to be beating the crap out of some Raiders fan and make the people miss a huge LT scoring run. And three, be nice. Remember these rules because it is my way or the highway. It also won’t hurt to stick around for Hater Week here at the Hater Nation.


I am ready to go this week. And you need to be ready for this week, too. If you are new to the site you might want to get up to speed with the Raiders fan by reading our award-winning series, Raiders in the Mist. You can read the original by clicking here. Raiders fans in Las Vegas is here. And do not miss Raiders Fans at Dodger Stadium here.

Check back all week for Hater Week and be sure to stop by the Hater Nation forums by clicking here.

Panthers Cheerleader Update?

Tampa Police Department officers arrested 10 people on Sunday outside Raymond James Stadium accusing them of operating a mobile strip club in the parking lot during the Bucs vs. Bears game.

Undercover officers fumbled upon the business running under the name Déjà Vu when they found them distributing flyers promoting the mobile strib club. Police found several bouncers and dancers inside the 40-foot-long 1987 motor home. It is not known if it was Renee Thomas (the hot one) and Angela Keathley working together to pay some legal bills in Tampa. Sgt. Bill Todd interviewed here, said that "the other thing the undercover officers observed, that at least two of the young ladies while engaged in lap dancing began performing oral sex for the patrons, on each other, not on the customers."

But Todd did not suspect Thomas and Keathley because the oral sex was performed out in the open, not in the motor home's restroom.

If you want to see the broads that were arrested (and you probably don't), check out Scott's Buc Stats site by clicking here. And don't forget the Hater Nation forums, here.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Chargers Are Still Alive

The Chargers are still alive today. But do they deserve to be? That is the question. And if so, who answers, who answers?

It is LaDainian Tomlinson who answered against the Redskins with three touchdowns, including the game-winner in overtime. Tomlinson was so cool, he even had a chance to check himself out on the video board on the way to pay dirt. Tomlinson, the best player in the NFL, saved the Chargers season with his heroics. (Please are their any holdouts who still believe that the Falcons got the better of the Mike Vick/Tomlinson trade? There must be somebody out there like Japanese soldiers that held out in the jungle following World War II.)

The Chargers are not going to catch the Broncos for the AFC West title. San Diego could run the table and still might not reach the playoffs. Not with Cincinnati, Pittsburgh, and Jacksonville playing a schedule so soft, they should be in the SEC. And seriously, if you give up three touchdown passes to Kyle Boller like the Bengals did on Sunday, you should be eliminated from the playoffs.

The Chargers do catch a break this week by playing host to UC Davis on Sunday.

THE OLD BALL COACH

Chargers coach Marty Schottenheimer became the second consecutive former Redskins coach to walk into FedEx Field and punk Dan Snyder's crew. You figure Steve Spurrier could bring in his South Carolina team and get a victory. It has gotten so bad, the St. Louis football is rumored to be exhuming the body of George Allen to coach the club this week against the Redskins.

THE STEVE BISHEFF STATING THE OBVIOUS MOMENT

Overtime worked out well for the Chargers on Sunday, but any setup that does not give each team a chance to score is wrong. Oops, that almost was an opinion, something the Bish hates.

DEAN MARTIN ONCE SANG ABOUT HOUSTON

It looked like the Houston Texans jumped ahead of the St. Louis football team to show that it could actually beat an NFL team, but then remembered that it might lose its spot in Matt Leinart/Reggie Bush derby and tanked the game in overtime. Does anybody else get the feeling that the Texans are going to draft the Tony Mandrich of the 2006 NFL Draft?

WHY IS THIS MAN SMILING?

Rush Limbaugh must be beaming from ear-to-ear as both the Minnesota Vikings and Philadelphia Eagles lost its African-American starting quarterbacks for the season and are now winning with white quarterbacks. Just as God intended.

Limbaugh celebrated the news with a bottle of OxyContin and cursing the name of David Gerrard.


A GIANT LOSS

FOX analyst Darryl Johnston relayed an anecdote in the second quarter that Eli Messiah enjoys it when teams pressure him because it forces the best out of him. Eli fumbled on the next play like a school boy giving up his lunch money to the local bully as Grant Wistrom harassed him.

Yeah, Eli likes pressure much in the same vein as Bobby Hurley in the 1990 NCAA basketball championship game.

Have you ever noticed that when the Messiah or any of the league’s star quarterbacks throw a ball into coverage, he has "great confidence in his receivers?" Any other quarterback and it is a reckless throw. Remember that if you ever see Brett Favre in prime time again.

It should be noted that the Giants once again folded against a team with a winning record, which seems like a Manning family tradition. Some families open presents on Christmas Eve, the Mannings gag against stiff competition. Winning in the NFL is not so easy when the other team has its first string quarterback, huh? Look for Archie Manning to pan the league for making his boy play against real NFL competition instead of having a schedule like the Bengals.

Things are becoming so dire for the Giants they are combing nursing homes and hospitals to look for honorary owners who will kick the bucket and inspire the team. Is it too soon to use the phrase deader than a Giants owner?

BAD DAY FOR KICKERS

Nate Kaeding had a miserable day for the Chargers, but at least it did not cost the team in the long run. And how bad could it be for Kaeding because Casie still loves him.

The same could not be said for Giants kicker Jay Feely who blew three game-winning chances against the Seahawks (and hurting our fantasy team, too). But as bad as it was for Feely, at least he did not look as stupid as Jeremy Shockey. When you pause the image, you can actually see the point where his heart breaks.

WHO WERE THE AD WIZARDS WHO CAME UP WITH THIS?

Tom Brady's girlfriend, Bridget Moynihan, does not appear in those Visa commercials. And for good reason, those things are awful. But you have to figure that Moynihan likely had all bad commercials written out of her beard contract. You can almost she her saying, "Look, I'll shop with you, eat with you, show up at premieres with you. But don't make me do those horrible ads.”

John Elway has his own commercial out where he is lonely, looking glum because there is nobody to share a 72 ounce cocktail with him in a Hawaii watering hole. You know Jim Kelly would probably relish the chance to have that drink to himself. Trust us, that is funny.

Rumor has it that Madden Football 06 is so realistic, Donovan McNabb gets winded during the Super Bowl after partying all week. In addition to that, have you seen his dad's hairline in those Campbell Soup commercials? Dude doesn't have a chance. And is Mrs. McNabb the biggest media whore of a mother since Brenda Warner?

The only thing worse than hearing Bono’s insipid lyrics, is watching him mug for the camera, which makes us not want to buy the new I Pod. Watch the commercial closely next time. They quickly pan to the blonde haired guy in the band who gives the U2 front man a look where he seems to be thinking, “Just sing the song, douche bag. You are lucky you are making me so much money.”

SUNDAY NIGHT MADNESS

It is simply disgusting that the NFL gave the Saints an extra home game this season, allowing them to play another home date at the Meadowlands on Sunday night.

Joe Theismann, during the intro, said that Saints coach Jim Haslett deserved to be the NFL Coach of the Year because of the way he has allowed his team to fold this season by leaning on a built-in excuse. We immediately started watching The Simpsons.

And speaking of The Simpsons, for those of you who think that this show is done, you are fooling yourselves. “Hey silly rabbit, ribs are for kicks.” The Simpsons still own. You can take the Family Guy, which is merely a cheap copy that goes way over the top to overcompensate for poor writing. Much in the same vein that a man in a midlife crisis buys a sports car. Or a sports columnist wears a rug.

People who say the Family Guy is better are like those tennis court Marxists who are trying to sound intelligent by going along with the masses. Or people who don’t find Ferris Bueller funny. It is just wrong.

Have we given you enough to talk about? Discuss it on the Hater Nation forums by clicking here.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Once a Cowboy, Always a Cowboy

Michael Irvin was not about to let the Seventh Floor Crew show him up. The former Cowboys and Miami Hurricanes receiver was charged with a misdemeanor possession of drug paraphernalia after police searched his vehicle during a traffic stop, Plano police said Sunday.

Irvin is a semi-finalist for the Pro Football Hall of Fame and evidentially drew inspiration from Lawrence Taylor on how to make it he leap to enshrinement. Irvin currently works as an analyst for ESPN and showed up for work bright and early on Sunday morning. He said that it was the coffee. ESPN allowed Irvin to work on Sunday reasoning that Irvin already talks fast and often makes incoherent points anyway, so it is not like the drugs are going to affect his work.

"We are reviewing the facts of the situation and have no comment at this time," ESPN spokesman Josh Krulewitz said.

At least Terrell Owens will have somebody to hang out with when Irvin is fired.

Although it is not known at the moment, experts expect Irvin to opt for the "It is not mine, I don't know how it got there defense.” While, "Keeping it real for his peeps" also is a possibility. The good news for the fans is that Irvin will be able to model more of his mink coats for the fans. The good news for Irvin is that if he does serve time for the drug charge, he could use the experience to ready himself for the Longest Yard, Part II.

And hey, that Cowboys joke from Wednesday did turn out to be timely. Discuss this at the Hater Nation forums by clicking here. P.S. we must appologize to Chris, a bartender at Harrah's in Las Vegas and huge Cowboys fan, for having to run this story.

SUNDAY NIGHT UPDATE

Irvin indeed went to the "it was a friend card." Irvin said that it was the pipe of a friend of 17 years who left rehab in Houston and came to Thanksgiving dinner with Irvin's family. Irvin put the pipe in his car so his kids would not find it. Imagine the bad luck of being pulled over the same time he was driving to deposit the pipe in a dumpster. Wow, imagine the odds of that. You can read more here.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Vikings Code of Conduct Revealed

The Minnesota Vikings recently handed out its code conduct to its players in response to a string of embarrassing incidents that have discredited the team worse than it could ever do on the field, which means that it was really extreme. The code of conduct was not made public but the Hater Nation has obtained some of the specific articles and will present them to you.

Section 1, Paragraph 4: Coaches are encouraged to refrain from having sex with team secretaries, impregnating them, and then forcing them to have an abortion.

Section 1, Paragraph 25: When an employee's wages are garnished by a court order due to child support, the team is bound to withhold the amount indicated up to 14 illegitimate children.

Section 1, Paragraph 29: Report any illegal ticket scalping to your head coach immediately.

Section 1, Paragraph 39: Although facial hair is permitted, a clean, professional and healthy look is encouraged while at work or representing the Vikings. Except for Ragnar, of course.

Section 12, Paragraph 88: Any reference to the "Hail Mary" or "Nate Wright" is strictly prohibited.

Section 11, Paragraph 1: It is good common sense to wait a half hour after eating to sexually assault an adult entertainer on the open seas.

Section 84, Paragraph 1: Players should wait at least 45 seconds before leaving the scene of a traffic incident.

Section 84, Paragraph 4: Posses, crews, and sets must be limited to no more than 14 people.

Section 84, Paragraph 12: Please only squirt NFL officials with water only, not Gatorade. That stuff can get expensive.

Section 84, Paragraph 15: Please leave all bling off of your person if you are playing. Of course gold teeth are acceptable. (Hey, Chad Johnson could be a free agent soon.)

Section 32, Paragraph 1: Leave all drug paraphernalia at home. Do not take it to the airport.

Section 32, Paragraph 1a: If you are going to do drugs, even once in a blue moon, please let us know ahead of time so Matt Birk can take your drug test.

Section 32, Paragraph 5: Do not accept free DirecTV under and circumstance.

Section 77, Paragraph 18: Should you get hurt on the job, see your immediate supervisor to fill out an incident report within 24 hours. Please note, if your out-of-shape, over-weight husband happens to die during training camp, you can rest assured that our family will take care of your family as long as needed.

Section 99, Paragraph 6: Flexibility is a quality that is embraced with the team. You must be willing to move to San Antonio or Los Angels within a month’s notice if needed.

But the Vikings weren't the only team addressing issues. Other teams around the league have recently (or not, some of these jokes will be stale) added to its code of conduct.

Arizona: See Section 1, Paragraph 4 of the Vikings code of conduct.

Atlanta: The use of pseudonyms is strictly prohibited.

Carolina: Cheerleaders, especially in public, must use the restroom one at a time.

Players are required to leave all keys to their trunks with the front office staff and local authorities.

Dallas: Players purchasing a house for orgies must have no more than two players names on the title. (We told you this was old).

Certain coaches should consider wearing a "Bro" (a bra for men).

Only one loud-mouth jerk of a receiver is allowed on that team at a time.

Miami: Crying is prohibited on the practice field.

Oakland: See Vikings code of conduct, section 84 (hereby known as Section 18).

Ecstasy must be of pharmaceutical grade.

Players making sex tapes must submit their work to the quality control office no later than 9 a.m. on Monday morning.

For the fans: Darth Raider's light saber must not exceed 60 inches in length. Spiked shoulder pads should be no more than four inches long. Ugly people encouraged to wear silver and black makeup.

Philadelphia: Running the football is strictly prohibited while quarterback is nursing an injury.

Complaints about coaches, players and management should be submitted in writing to the front-office staff.

Pittsburgh: Quarterbacks are not allowed to ride a motorcycle without a helmet. Except for Tommy Maddox.

Cleveland: Just stay off the (expletive) motorcycle.

St. Louis: No collect calls will be accepted from coaches while games are in progress.

All employees terminated from the team must have one final swim at the owner's beach house.

Have some of your own? Feel free to add them at the Hater Nation forums by clicking here.

When Overrated QBs Collide

For a guy that spends his Sundays ripping on players, Phil Simms sure seems to be thin skinned, especially when it comes to his son. The former Giants quarterback was outraged when Steve Young had the audacity to make this comment about Buccaneers quarterback, Chris Simms.

"His dad was one of the greatest at being tough and handling all the criticisms . . . I worry that he grew up in a much different atmosphere, a laissez-faire kind of atmosphere. And I'm worried he really doesn't have the mental toughness to deal with the information overload that comes with the NFL."

A couple of things here; when did Young turn into Don King? Young might be the dumbest smart guy in the world. The guy holds a couple of degrees, yet he does not quite understand when laissez-faire means. The French phrase is a synonym for "free market economics" and literally means "hands off." See what happens when idiot jocks try to sound smart?

Phil Simms, of course, fired back.

"There is one thing I know my son doesn't lack, and that is toughness," he said. "And he didn't grow up in a laissez-faire atmosphere - far from it. Come to my house and live around me and we'll see how laissez-faire it is.

"I don't know how Steve Young lives his life, but I don't live mine that way. And I didn't raise my kids that way. You can say whatever you want about my son; the one thing that will get me mad, and I'll stand in your face about it, is about toughness. Who in the hell can be tougher than him, physically or what he endures?"

You know, Chris Simms sure does look like a tough guy when a dad is fighting all of his battles for him. The elder Simms then challenged Young to a fight at the flag pole at 3 p.m. But Young, being the chicken *bleep* that he is, backed down pretty quickly from his words as he rolled over on his back like a dog and piddled on himself.

"What I meant was the generational gap between guys my age and Phil's age and today's generation," explained Young, the former San Francisco 49ers star who entered the Pro Football Hall of Fame this year.

"It had absolutely no impact on how Phil raised his son. I'd let Phil raise my son. He can literally raise my two sons right now. I trust Phil implicitly."

Obviously Young is pretty laissez faire, indeed. You can discuss this further in the Hater Nation forums by clicking here.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Dead Man Not Walking

Lil' Hater's report from the Road.

WASHINGTON – In an emotional performance, the usually hapless Oakland Raiders came from behind to win their fourth game of the season Sunday, 16-13, against the Washington Redskins. Players and coaches dedicated the unexpected victory to their deceased owner, Al Davis.

"We saw this year how the New York Giants shamelessly exploited the deaths of two of their owners – two guys literally no one had ever heard of before they croaked – to ensure victories in the games following each of their deaths," noted Raider running back LaMont Jordan. "It's a pretty cowardly and weak ploy, actually, but we felt that if they could do it, hey, so could we."

Davis, leader of the Raiders since 1963, has clearly been dead for several years. The actual date of his passing is unclear, although insiders say the date probably coincided with the Raiders getting humiliated by former coach John Gruden's Tampa Bay Buccaneers in Super Bowl XXXVII. Staff members occasionally wheel Davis' corpse about McAfee Stadium in carefully choreographed moves taken from Weekend At Bernie's script. During the week, his body is entombed like Vladimir Lenin.

"We had this dead guy hanging around the franchise for years, smelling up the place and creeping out the cheerleaders," said lineman Warren Sapp. "But heck, if the Giants can use the death of an owner to gain sympathy from the refs, and motivate the team a little, so can we."

The strategy clearly worked on Sunday, as the Raiders – for perhaps the first time in franchise history – got the benefit of all the close referee calls in the game, including the non-call of a late Jordan fumble on the goal line, which led to the Raiders scoring the winning points. CBS broadcasters also did its part for its AFC franchise, showing review-able plays in super slow motion only when overturning the calls would benefit Oakland, while blatantly ignoring replays of calls that could benefit Washington.

Sapp also noted that the "Win One For the Dead Guy" ploy was specifically used for a road game, out of concerns that unruly and drunk Raider fans would have torn the decomposing corpse of Davis apart piece by piece in celebration of the victory.

Emboldened by the use of gamesmanship to ensure victory, Raider officials are now exploring the best way to exploit a national tragedy to gain an extra home game, as the Giants have also done. "It's going to be tough to equal the Giant's record this year – using two dead owners and a hurricane to weasel out three extra victories – but the Raiders are all about cheating, too, so who’s to say we can't rise to the challenge," said Sapp.

Opposing coaches say the strategy, while gutless, is to be expected in the hyper-competitive NFL.

"We'd try the same thing too, if Dan Snyder wasn't as reviled as he is," noted Redskins coach Joe Gibbs.

Pay respect to the departed Raiders owner in the Hater Nation forums found here.

Memo to Anaheim: Knock it Off

The Angels name change from Anaheim to Los Angeles was terrible. But you know what, the team was still winning and they still played in the same stadium. Although that could be changing very soon if the city of Anaheim does not get its act together.

Angels owner Artie Moreno told the Los Angeles Times that he would consider moving the team if they did not stop with all of the legal nonsense.

"They are trying to run me out of town," Moreno said. "If this gets put into appeals court, somewhere along the line you have to think about whether you're gone."

Way to go, Anaheim. It is bad enough they allowed the Los Angeles Rams to fold, but now they want to chase the Angels away. How soon can we start a recall election?

Why is the city even taking this to court? The city received nearly $5 million from the Angels as part of the lease agreement, despite the name change. It's over Anaheim, Dean Wormer dropped the big one. Why not worry about fixing up the football stadium at Western High School instead of suing the one person, outside of Disney, that contributes more money to your annual coffers than anybody else. I am sure the residents of Anaheim feel that all of the money for attorney's fees is worth it.

Especially when the team is playing in Tijuana in 2008.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Fool Us Once Bengals

The Bengals have had two chances to prove to the football world that they belonged among the elite of the NFL teams. Both times they have missed that opportunity—at home. It is enough to make us concerned about the well being of our friend Cris Collinsworth. The Bengals have lost to both Pittsburgh and Indianapolis this season proving that they just do not have what it takes to make a run for the Super Bowl.

Instead the Bengals are like Anthony Michael Hall’s character in Sixteen Candles, the King of the Dweebs. The Bengals have built a pretty good record against the bottom feeders of the AFC and will use that to slide in the playoffs. To expect this team to make a run for the conference championship, however, would be foolish. We will not be fooled again.

PRIEST HOLMES MAN OF THE YEAR

Priest Holmes could likely commiserate with Jennifer Aniston. The Chiefs dumped Holmes after his injury, and like Brad Pitt, have flourished with a new partner in Larry Johnson. It must be painful for Holmes to watch Larry do all the things that he used to do, running for meaningless touchdowns in a blowout as the team heads for another disappointing season. And how smart do you look if you drafted Larry Johnson in your fantasy league? That is like having an extra first-round draft choice.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL NEWS

Not to go Steve Bisheff on all of you by stating the obvious, but Reggie Bush won the Heisman Trophy on Saturday. Any voter that does not vote for Bush to win should lose the privilege of voting for the award.

It is a shame that Fresno State will end up moving out of the Top 20 for losing to USC. Writers and coaches that vote in these polls should consider the teams some of these ball clubs are losing to. If we had a vote in this thing our ballot would look something like this:

  1. USC
  2. Oregon
  3. Notre Dame
  4. Fresno State
  5. Texas
If somebody can make a valid reason why the Ducks should not be the top one-loss team in the country, we would like to hear it. Oregon has lost one game, to USC, which means they are basically undefeated against college teams. And nice work by Miami this week. Is it any coincidence that on a day when the Hurricanes break out uniforms that look storm troopers, they bumble around the field and lose against Georgia Tech. I cannot wait to read all of the Seven Floor Crew jokes this morning.

And it feels like we are overrating Texas here.

CHAD JOHNSON DOES NOT DISAPPOINT

Leave it to Chad Johnson to at least come through for the Bengals. Johnson, who has made a name for himself with his touchdown celebrations, proposed to this Bengals hottie, here. The couple celebrated their engagement in the bathroom of a local Hooters. Just kidding. It is just nice to finally see a cheerleader that actually likes men.

Johnson also held up a sign to show his support for Terrell Owens. And why shouldn't he? Johnson will be able to cash in if Owens gets his wish of free agency.


You can discuss more of this at the Hater Nation forums by clicking here.

Friday, November 18, 2005

What's Up For Week 11?

What is up Hater Nation fans, it is me, Drew Rosenhaus! I got locked out of Terrell Owens arbitration hearing today so I decided to take up NFL Adam’s offer to host his weekly feature, “What’s Up for Week 11?” This should be a good time for everybody involved and I am looking forward to this.

Did you see that Gary Hogeboom somehow managed to play another day in Survivor? It was poor Jamie that was voted out of the game show, much like my man, T.O., was voted out of Philadelphia. I mean, what did Jamie do that was so bad? Sure he alienated his teammates, called out his opponents, and basically questioned every move that his team made. That is what winners do. I do not blame him for being upset and yelling out, "I was blindsided." Of course, when he said that, Gary Hogeboom jumped up and yelled, "I was not an NFL quarterback, damn it. I am a landscape artist."

And Gary, I saw you play for the Cowboys, Colts and Cardinals. You are right, you were not a former NFL quarterback. But now it is time to get to the questions here so fire way.

The Chargers have to pretty much run the table to get to the postseason. Is there any chance they can make a charge to the playoffs?

Next question.

Is this the week the Bears are exposed as the frauds that they are playing host to Carolina?

Next question.

Can Eli Manning rebound from his horrible game against the Minnesota Vikings?

Next question.

Are you planning an answering any of the burning questions of the week?

Next question.

Asshole says “next question.”

Next question.

Can you at least give us some of your fantasy picks?

Next question.

Is this bit ever going to get funny?

Next question.

The Raiders have lost two consecutive games. Is there any way they can climb back into the playoff race?

No (expletive) way.

Denver has started hot in each of the past couple of seasons. What gives you any indication that this season will be different?

Next question.

Wow, that was fun guys. Thank you so much for stopping by the Hater Nation. I understand that I am supposed to direct you to the Hater Nation forums. I saw it and it was nothing special. But if you must, you can reach the forums by clicking here.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Former Cheerleader in Playboy

Do not be scared boys, it is not that former brunette Top Cat who flamed out faster than Poochie from the Simpsons. Seriously, that story became so stale even Steve Bisheff would not reference them. The cheerleader is Lisa Perry who was recently booted off the team.

And since you horndogs seem to love the cheerleading stuff, here is the interview.

PLAYBOY: How long have you been cheering for the Colts?

LISA: I was with the Colts for five years and I was a captain, but I'm no longer a Colts cheerleader. I still root for them to win, but right now, I’m actually a reporter for Gambling911.com.

PLAYBOY: Any reason for the change?

LISA: Most NFL teams have rules about fraternizing with the players.

PLAYBOY: Details, please.

LISA: It's a good story. We were in Tokyo for a preseason game. Afterward I went to my room to take a shower. Other girls came in, and they were sitting around eating when there was a knock on the door. I figured it was another cheerleader, so I said, "Come in." The door opened and it was a couple of players. I was like, "Shut my door. What are you guys doing?" I'm in a towel. It looks bad—though I do look good in a towel. Sure enough, I got caught. A high-profile player, who shall remain nameless, was hiding in my shower.

PLAYBOY: Sounds innocent enough.

LISA: It was 100 percent—this time. But my director had it in for me all year. The anti-fraternization rule is the worst. It just happens I'm friends with the players and I’ll stay friends with them.

So who do you think the player was? The first guess might be Peyton Manning but she said hiding in the shower, not the closet. If you have any guesses, you can take a shot at the Hater Nation Forums here. And more photos, too.

Dream On Raiders Fans

Raiders fans have been dreaming of having a receiving corps of Randy Moss and Terrell Owens ever since there were rumors training camp of a possible trade. Those thoughts again danced in the minds of Raiders fans as the enigmatic receiver drew a season-long suspension from the Eagles recently. Think of how wonderful it would be to have both Moss and Owens. Then Kerry Collins would have two receivers to ignore until the game was completely out of reach in the fourth quarter. With Norv Turner's offense genius there would be no way to stop the dream team of Moss and Owens.

Well, except for the fact that Moss does not want to play with Owens.

"With his baggage and everything he's been through, and my baggage and what I've been through, I don't think that would work," Moss said of Owens and him being teammates. "As far as him compared to the league and myself, he don't talk to me, I don't talk to him, so we don't even have a relationship. No communication."

A couple of things here; how far has Owens fallen in the pecking order of the NFL when even Moss is taking shots at him. This is a guy that was dumb enough to admit that he still smokes pot on television, runs over meter maids and even he believes that Owens is a bad guy. When even the most notorious of the inmates believes you are a bad dude, something is wrong.

This also shows Moss' true character and what is really important. Good guy or bad, Owens can play football. Owens will make your team better in the short term. But Moss would not want to sacrifice his own personal statistics for the team to win. Moss is just another Sydney Deane.

Dream on and dive into the Hater Nation forums here. We will not ban you like those kitty kats over at the Raider Forums.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

The Norv Turner Weekly Journal

Rivalry Week 101
By Norv Turner, as told to Lil' Hater.

Hey HaterNation fans! It’s me, Professional NFL Head Coach Norville Turner, and boy am I excited! Woo-hoo!!

Why am I excited, you ask – especially after a demoralizing 31-17 drubbing at the hands of our fierce divisional rival Denver? Is it because we're only a seven-game winning streak away from being in playoff contention? No sireee. Is it because I'm just a few losses away from equaling John McKay’s record for long-term coaching futility? Not a chance. Is it because Wal-Mart has a special on bulk purchases of Stridex medicated pads? Probably not.

The reason I’m all hopped up on goofballs is because it's Rivalry Week. That's right, it's personally a big game for me, Norv Turner, Head Football Coach. I’m taking on the Washington Redskins, the team that gave me my first head-coaching job, but who cruelly and without provocation cut me loose after a mere seven seasons of underachievement. This is my Big Chance to prove to Dan Snyder that I, Norv Turner Head Football Coach, with a career 57-76-1 record, should still be standing on their sidelines in the Burgundy & Gold, instead of some no-name racecar dude with a 135-74 record. This is it, the time for personal grudges to be settled and chapters to be closed, mano-a-mano.

Oh yeah, it might be a big game for the Raiders, too. Whatever.

But anyway, this is a Big Game for me, and as my record shows, they don't call me Big Game Norv for nothing. Just look at the facts, jack. I’m 1-9 in the AFC West the past two seasons. Yep, for every 10 games played against our mortal enemies, I can be counted on to emerge victorious at least one time. Take that, Shanahan. Screw you, Marty. Cry over those numbers, Dick.

This record held up when I was the Redskin’s coach, too. The last seven times we played our No. 1 hated rival, the Dallas Cowboys, we came up short every game. Zero for Seven. But we came close several times, though, which in my humble opinion should have been enough to ensure my job at least another two seasons. So as you can see, if there's any man out there who does a better job of getting his players ready to play big games, I’m not aware of them.

But before I turn my attention to this big game, lets talk about the Denver loss again. Frankly, I was very, very impressed with out fan base on Sunday. They came out in force, broke parole, and pushed our team to within 15 points of victory against Denver.

But most of all, their embrace of defensive end Derrick Burgess really caught my eye. They were chanting his name from the second quarter on, right around the time that Kerry Collins started having problems completing the ball to his teammates. Here's the conversation I had with special teams coach Joe Avezanno right around that time:

"Hey Joe, is the crowd booing us?"

"No way, Norv, they’re saying “Boo-urgess."

"Boo-Urgess! That's great, Joe! We have the best fans anywhere."

So anyway, I’m going to start game planning for my Big Game against Washington in the next couple days, once I catch up watching the last season of 24 on DVD. Man that Kiefer Sutherland can act. Rest assured, I’ll continue to use my proven winning Use-Randy-Moss-Only-as-a-Decoy, Until-We’re-Down-by-More-Than-14 Points Strategy in our plans, as the Raider fans would have it no other way.

Boo-Urgess, Indeed!!


Norv Turner

By the way, I was told to plug a few things before I get out of here. If you did not catch the man, Conrad Bain, earlier this week be sure to check it out. It is a laugh riot. He is a little bit more forgiving to the Raiders than the other fellas that run this site. I am also supposed to endorse the Hater Nation forums right here. I read Steve Bisheff often. Check him out.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

No Soup For You

All of those fans that booed Donovan McNabb during the 1999 NFL Draft look like soothsayers on Tuesday morning. They must have known that McNabb would be the biggest underachieving quarterback to hit Pennsylvania since Neil O'Donnell was giving away balls in the Super Bowl.

The time has finally come to recognize McNabb for what he really is—a product of media hype. A guy that became a legend more for his endorsement contracts than his ability to win football games. History should remember his three jokes in the NFC Championship Game or his vomiting in the Super Bowl.

Or better yet, those awful Campbell's Soup commercials.

You can take your Sports Illustrated or Madden cover jinxes, but give credit for Campbell’s too. Kurt Warner, Reggie White, and Terrell Davis went from Super Bowl heroes to zeroes after signing up to pitch the product. Davis injured his knees, Warner went back to looking like a former AFL quarterback, and White turned into a black Rush Limbaugh.

Serves them right for using actresses instead of their real moms. (Or in Warner's case, his wife who looked older than his mother.)

Jerome Bettis, Brian Urlacher, and Michael Strahan, who all hawked the soup, are kindred spirits with McNabb—media monsters who are famous for playing football instead of winning at it. Quick, try to think of the time McNabb put his team on his shoulders and carried it to victory. You cannot do it. The only thing you can think of is all of those camera shots of his mother (not an actress) cheering him on in the stands.

McNabb's career was summed up in the moments after he threw the Eagles season away to the Cowboys Roy Williams. McNabb seemed to have no ill effects of the sports hernia when he ran for a touchdown and showed the worst dances moves for a quarterback since Daunte Culpepper. But McNabb was limping around the field after he was blocked following Williams’ touchdown return. Professional wrestlers wished they could sell an injury so convincingly. Al Michaels and John Madden were quick to say that the injury was hurting his passing. How could you tell? It is not like McNabb is an accurate passer.

The Eagles season appears finished and McNabb might not be returning to the lineup anytime soon. But then again, look at the bright side Eagles fans, you can always catch a glimpse of your hero on those Campbell’s commercials.

Monday, November 14, 2005

I Feel Your Bain

Greetings, Hater Nation!

I am Conrad Bain and once again I've been invited to blog for you today. As some of you may know, over the weekend the host of this site reportedly suffered an injury at an amusement park while riding a giant waterslide. The details I've received are sketchy, but I've been told he underwent emergency surgery in which doctors had to remove over seventy-five feet of his colon.



This weekend I lounged on the French Mediterranean in the company of the lovely Elaine Joyce and Suzanne Pleshette. I'd planned on remaining at my villa through Thursday, but upon receiving news of Hater's accident I chartered a Leer back to the States without hesitation. Speaking of which, if anyone in the front office is reading this, I need to be brought up to speed regarding the reimbursement of my expenses, as well as the tedious subject of per diem. I've sent an email to the curious little wooden fellow who occasionally writes here, but have received no answer. Likewise, when I sent my assistant to inquire with Steve Bisheff, he returned disheveled and shaken, the victim of a violent beating from a dog-eared notebook. Please respond when you can, but there's no rush regarding money matters. The Bain Man has made major moves and receives huge rezie daps all dizay ya heard me.

Now Wattle You Do?
It's become grimly fashionable around this site to poke fun at Norv Turner's skin condition, but I refuse to follow suit. No, not because I'm nice. I just don't wish to be factually inaccurate. A little bit of research shows that it's not a skin condition at all, but a wattle... a caruncle-covered throat flap that turns bright red during courtship rituals or when Norv is upset.

And after Sunday, Norv has plenty to wattle over. With his team now at 3 - 6, the Raiders need to put together some momentum if they're serious about having home-field advantage throughout the playoffs.



He Would've Sunk The Putt, Anyway
Nice of the NFL to give Alstott and Tampa Bay a gimme on their 2-point conversion at the end of the Redskins game. I am closer to being mistaken for a Carolina lesbian than that ball was to crossing the goal line. Seriously, that call was so flaky that if you shaved its head and put a cowboy hat on it, Renee Zellweger would marry it.

Silver Cotton Candy
It's a pretty common knowledge around the water coolers of this blog that, if you take your fingernail and scratch through the top coat of The Hater Nation's black and gray logo, a big blue star will appear underneath. Just saying, is all...

F.I.B.s
Those who watched the Bears and 49ers battle at Soldier Field were amazed at the havoc wreaked upon the game by the Chicago''s trademark November winds. Many people believe the city's storied gusts originate on Lake Michigan, but that's a myth. The real reason Chicago is battered by constant winds is because not a single one of the city's 2.8 million residents has ever shut their mouths.

Oh, And His Coach Is Retarded
Brett Favre takes a lot of crap around here. To read this blog, you'd think Favre's dad had a heart attack and drove his truck into a tree to improve Brett's press.

Give Favre some credit. He's kept the Packers in most of the games until the inevitable train wreck, and he's done so with a ragtag cast of clodhoppers, some of whom haven't carried a pigskin since junior high school. It's rumored that if you're in the checkout line at a Green Bay area Piggly Wiggly, and the bagger asks you if you need help carrying your bags, and you say "no thanks", Mike Sherman will be waiting at your car with a contract and a pen.

Kill Flipper
There are a couple things that probably will never happen, but if they did they'd make me really happy. One of them would be to see Jessica Simpson and her husband thrown from a ten-story building. The other would be to see an NFL team, any team, go unbeaten, thus killing the annual non-story of how the old Miami Dolphins all toast each other every year after the last unbeaten team loses. The Colts are seven games away. Is it wrong for me to root for Indy to pull the trigger and send those Dolphins geezers to their graves, bitter, despondent and forgotten?

No more wrong than promising Kimberly the car keys after I'd already given them to Willis.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Renee Thomas Could Use Rosenhaus

You can make fun of Drew "Next question" Rosenhaus all you would like, but the dude does his job. The same cannot be said for the lawyer representing former Carolina Panthers cheerleader turned Penthouse hopeful Renee Thomas (aka, the hot one). The 20-year old aspiring dancer (think Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls) stands accused of giving a false name and causing harm to another, a third-degree felony punishable by probation or a jail term of up to five years.

Yet attorney Peter Anderson issued a statement on Thursday that said, “Miss Thomas denies all allegations of any sexual conduct.”

Your client faces up to five years in jail and all you care about is making sure that nobody believes that she had sex with Angela Keathley. But then again, if you look at a picture five years in jail compared to having sex with Keathley might not be that bad of a trade off. The only obvious thing is that Keathley certainly is not Gina Gershon, who played the veteran dancer who tried to seduce Berkley in Showgirls.

At this point Thomas would be better served to have Eric Stratton defend her in court.

"The question here today is not whether Renee punched a bathroom patron or took a few liberties with her female party friends.

"She did.

"But you cannot let a few bad cheerleaders ruin it for the rest of the sexually explicit cheerleaders that make extra cash by selling cheesecake swimsuit calendars. For if Renee is guilty, isn’t the whole cheerleading profession to blame? And since cheerleading is so woven into the fabric of our American culture, isn’t this really an indictment of our American culture in general? You can badmouth America all you want, but I am not going to sit here while you badmouth lesbian cheerleaders trying to get it on in public."

Gentlemen, who is with me?

Props to the Panthers

The Carolina Panthers have been around for just over a decade, yet they have provided NFL fans with some of the most lasting images in league history. From a drunken Kerry Collins walking out of a jail cell to Rae Carruth hiding in the trunk of a car after ordering a hit on his pregnant girlfriend. Now the lesbian cheerleader encounter in a Tampa Bay restroom.

Congratulations Carolina. If it was not for Rod Smart, we would push to have your team disbanded.



A New Game

Remember the fit the NFL had over the series Playmakers? Remember the pundits denouncing Lawrence Taylor for endorsing the latest version of NFL Blitz? If anything, Taylor has cleaned up his image by walking away from the New Felons League. We offer you, with that in mind, a game where you have to distinguish whether it is a real NFL story, or if it was a plot line from Playmakers.

1. A head coach knocks up a team secretary and forces her to have an abortion.

2. A punter misses a game because he spill a fondue pot on his leg.

3. A coach is forced to miss a few games because he has colon cancer.

4. A gay player must hide his identity from his teammates.

5. A player threatens to kill his head coach.

The answer key.

1. NFL. Dennis Green allegedly did this in Minnesota.

2. NFL. The Jacksonville punter had this happen a few years ago.

3. Playmakers. But with Mike Martz this year, this obviously was not far from reality.

4. NFL. Although with Tom Brady … just kidding. It only has been confirmed on Playmakers.

5. NFL. Kyle Turley was investigated by NFL security last year.

Yet when you look at the Terrell Owens saga, the Vikings boat cruise, and the sexcapades of Panthers cheerleaders, life often does imitate art.

Party Girls

A radio station in Tampa found pictures of the girls crashing a high-school reunion before making their way to Banana Joes on Saturday night. You can catch more of the hijinks here. Be sure to also join in on the Hater Nation Forums here. We invite all sorts of party crashers.

And Finally

Starting on Friday, Banana Joe's -- the Tampa bar now famous for the Carolina Panthers cheerleader scuffle -- will offer no cover to anyone (male or female) that shows up dressed like a cheerleader. This is an absolute true story.

Professional cheerleader? You drink for free. So that means Gene Anthony Ray from the movie Fame gets to drink for free. Dance into the Hater Nation Forums here.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

T.O. Calls Another Press Conference

Terrell Owens was not about to be slighted. The enigmatic receiver was miffed to find out that the world was only talking about the lesbian Panthers cheerleaders only days after the Eagles suspended him. Owens, flanked by his agent Drew Rosenhaus, called a press conference on Wednesday to discuss the snub.

"I put a lot of preparation into my temper tantrums and really work hard to be the league’s top Primmadonna," Owens said. "And all you guys can talk about it is two cheerleaders getting it on in a bathroom? What is the appeal there? Like anybody would fantasize about two cheerleaders having sex. As if."

He then broke down started sobbing and doing situps to ease his pain.

Owens also took time to apologize to his coaches, quarterback Donovan McNabb, and anybody else he might have transgressed over the past couple of days. Owens said that he had $1.8 million reasons to be sorry—the exact amount he would be expected to pay to the Eagles if he was suspended for the rest of the season. Owens also mentioned that he wanted to be back for the Monday Night game so he could make a complete ass of himself on a national stage again.

Still, Owens was pissed about being upstaged by two cheerleaders that do not even get paid.

"Are you kidding me? If I would have known it was such a big deal, I would have made out with Jeff Garcia in a bathroom years ago. Actually, that might be my next trick."

Discuss it now in the Hater Nation forums, click here.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Do You Know Who I am?

It is not a phrase reserved for just football players these days. Cheerleader Renee Thompson, who slugged Melissa Holden (right from Charlotte.com), shouted it when she was restrained after starting a bathroom brawl.

"The whole time she's screaming, 'I'm a Panthers cheerleader. You need to let me go. I'm a Panthers cheerleader!" Holden said. "She was screaming I am a Panther cheerleader. I'm not going to get arrested for this. And, I was like, that's good for you but you are going to jail."

It reminds me of the time David Faustino was kicked out of the local Cask n' Clever, screaming "I am Bud (expletive) Bundy, damn it. Show me some respect!"

Even Steve Bisheff would not be this pompous.

Thomas, along with tag-team partner Angela Keathley, was released as Panthers cheerleaders. Evidentially, the NFL and its teams are strictly against cheerleaders showcasing their sexuality. But be sure to pick up one of the numerous team cheerleaders calendars at NFLshops.com. You can look, but you obviously cannot touch. Hey, maybe the NFL stands for the No Fingering League. But it is good that the league finally took the moral high ground on something. It is good that the NFL has a zero tolerance for its cheerleaders behaving badly. We do not want to ruin the good name of the Vikings boat cruise. You know that Leonard Little must hate to read stories about this while sitting in the drunk tank following his latest DUI.

But make sure those damn cheerleaders are taught a lesson. But if either of these broads could throw, run, or defend the rock, they would have been given the benefit of "due justice." The coach would have said, "Let's let this play out in the legal system." But since they are cheerleaders, they are thrown to the wolves to be devoured on cheesy web logs.

Thomas and Keathley are also drawing interest from Penthouse magazine and other reputable news outlets such as Howard Stern. The duo is supposed to receive a written offer on Tuesday.

Team Bios

The Duo had their bios taken down from the Panthers website, but we were able to track them down on Charlotte.com . The Hater Nation goes the extra mile for you.

Keathley is here. Keathley's favorite quote, "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away. Like you know, in the bathroom of a cheesy bar."

Thomas is here. It should be noted that her favorite television show is CSI. Good to see that sunk in. Her favorite quote, "Live every moment to the fullest and love like you'll never be hurt. Unless, you know, some of those girls waiting in line for the stall get a little uppity."

Discuss it now at the Hater Nation forums, here. Including some never-seen photos we stole from another website. You probably want to miss it, but don't!

So Long Patriots

There has not been a home field beating this bad since the Germans strolled through the Arc de Triomphe during World War II. The French also put up a better fight than the Patriots did in the Colts 40-21 triumph that has ended the Patriots championship run.

Bill Belichick reverted back to his Cleveland Browns days as he looked severely out-coached by Tony Dungy. Going for onsides kicks and tossing the red challenge flag because your team is ill prepared for a two-point conversion are the type of bush league moves reserved for coaches such as Rich Kotite. Not for the current genius of the NFL.

The San Diego Chargers and now the Colts have cruised to easy victories in Gillette Stadium, a place where the Patriots were once thought at invincible. While you do not want to write off the defending champions all together, if they are going to get back to the Super Bowl they must do so on the road. But they have given no indication that they will be much of a threat this season.

And let's not give the AFC title to the Colts just yet, either. The Colts did nothing except take a sucker punch at a bully that already has been bludgeoned a few times this season. Beating the Patriots now is akin to taking home Trischelle from the Real World Las Vegas. In other words, it is not much of a challenge.

Besides, we have faith that the Colts will find a way to blow this thing. Who is the front runner in the AFC now? Discuss it on the Hater Nation forums, here.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Reality Check: Panther Girls Exposed

As reportered earlier, two Panthers cheerleaders were caught in a Tampa Bay restroom engaged in a sexual act. The kind of thing everybody dreams about, right? Well, then you wake up in the morning, hungover, next to this. Seemed like a good idea at 2:00 a.m. There has not been a letdown this big since the Raiders in Super Bowl XXXVII.



You can also comment on at the Hater Nation forums by clicking here. But this story will be about as fresh as Poochie tomorrow.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Post Mortem Week 9

Saturday Night Live ran a clip show this week featuring the top commercials of all-time (all though there was too much focus on the most recent years). One of the all-time best shown was Eddie Murphy as the Little Rascals’ Buckwheat promoting, “Buh-weet Sings.”

It is a typical star infomercial that displays the title of the songs as Murphy sings it, including classics, "Fee times a mady," and "Wookin por nub." One of the songs becomes so unrecognizable, the title displays a series of questions marks, "?????."

You would have to imagine that the poor soul responsible for typing the closed captioning for the NFL Today on CBS would love the same option when Shannon Sharpe is speaking. Dude makes Deion Sanders sound like George Will.

The other morning show is not much better. Sunday’s telecast featured a pair of Canada’s biggest bimbos, Jillian Barberie and Pamela Anderson. The former Baywatch star promoted the premiere of her series, Stacked, and discussed the NFL’s sexiest man. Something every degenerate gambler wants to hear about moments before the game. Anderson, however, did give a vote of confidence to her boyfriend, Chargers long snapper David Binn, by saying that her favorite was in San Diego.

Win Ugly or Lose Pretty

Woody Harrelson in White Man Can't Jump chastised Wesley Snipes when he said that Snipes would rather look good and lose, than to look bad and win. The Raiders looked impressive on Sunday as they came back from an 11-point deficit to nearly defeat the Kansas City Chiefs. Larry Johnson scored on a 1-yard touchdown plunge with no time remaining to lift the Chiefs to a 27-24 victory. So the Raiders looked sharp as they dropped further into last place and lost their sixth consecutive game to the Chiefs.

The Chargers looked like hell in their 31-26 victory over the New York Jets. The Chargers were in control for most of the game as they almost blew a 15-point lead to Brooks Bollinger. Yes, Brooks Bollinger. The Chargers overcame many Raiders-like penalties and a few turnovers to hang on for the victory. But it was a win and the Chargers climbed above .500 for the first time this season as it headed into the bye week.

Dick Vermeil is the Gambler

What in the name of Matt Leinart got into the mind of Dick Vermeil? Instead of taking the easy way out and going for the tie (Marty Schottenheimer would have), the Chiefs went for the do-or-die run and came away with the win. Nice to see a coach with balls.

Big Day For Green

Did anybody else get sick of all the tributes to Trent Green and his father who passed away? Probably not, because it seemed like a footnote in the telecast. (Especially dwarfed by Vermeil’s play-call at the end.) Compare that to the hoopla that surrounded Brett Favre when his father passed away or last week’s tributes to Wellington Mara (the Pope was less canonized) and it is good to see that the networks and the leagues do not play favorites.

It should be noted that Favre beat the Raiders in the days following his father's passing. Must be a league conspiracy. Or at least Raiders fans will lead you to believe that.

Speaking of Favre, maybe that is his problem this season—the lack of any family drama is causing him to below far below standards. It is a surprise that Mike Sherman has not killed Favre's dog or something at this point of the season.

Terrell Owens Saga Continues On

Are you as sick of T.O. as we are? Cool, moving on …

Letter to Tom Coughlin

Attention (Expletive) hole

You are single-handedly ruining my fantasy team with your (expletive) choice to avoid Tiki Barber on the goal (expletive) line. I figured that you had learned your (expletive) lesson when you lost at Dallas when you gave the ball to the (expletive) rookie. Obviously you have not. I would like for you to rethink your (expletive) position. I realize that you do not care about my fantasy football team. But since I have more (expletive) fantasy football championships than you do Super Bowl titles, I figure that you owe me some (expletive) respect.

(Expletive) you,
The Hater Nation

Would it not be great if you could designate one player from your favorite team who could not play against you in a fantasy league? For instance, if you were a Chargers fan, your opponent could not play LaDainian Tomlinson? It obviously would create a lot more Chargers fans.

But it would kind of suck if you were a Browns fan.

Dear Penthouse Forums

Two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders were arrested early Sunday morning at a Tampa nightclub as reported by Charlotte.com. According to a police report the two cheerleaders were arrested after an incident at Banana Joe's in the city's Channelside district at 2:10 a.m. One cheerleader was charged with battery, the other with disorderly conduct and resisting arrest.

The police report claims the two cheerleaders were having sex with each other in a stall at the bar when other patrons got angry they were taking so long in the bathroom.

The police report identified the cheerleaders by name, but there is some uncertainty about their identities later. According to an earlier police report Kristen Lanier Owen, 22, (blonde) and Angela Ellen Keathley, 26, (brunette) were arrested after an incident at Banana Joe's in the city's Channelside district at 2:10 a.m. One cheerleader was charged with battery, the other with disorderly conduct and resisting arrest.

One cheerleader and another person started arguing and the cheerleader hit that person in the face, according to the report. The other cheerleader was escorted from Banana Joe's and the police report said she was so drunk she could barely stand and described her as rude and belligerent with police. Other Panthers cheerleaders bailed the pair out of the Orient Road Jail late Sunday morning.

A football nation is now praying that this is true. Talk about this on the Hater Nation Forums. Log on by clicking here.

UPDATE: Lanier Owen might have been wrongly fingered in this whole thing. Police are now reporting that it was Renee Thomas (left) who was arrested and gave the name of Owen, making things worse for the Panthers cheerleader. But at this point, does it really matter? A nation anxiously awaits the Smoking Gun photos.

Friday, November 04, 2005

From the Desk of Lil' Hater

I long figured that the toughest job in sports would be as the dermatologist for Norv Turner. But I am starting to come around on that thinking. Imagine having to be the Saints PR director these days. Owner Tom Benson is trying to use the tragedy of Hurricane Katrina as a reason to relocate his franchise to the prestigious Los Angeles market.

How is that for sensitivity? That is the equivalent of asking a rape victim if she puts out. Even Al Davis, Art Modell, and Georgia Frontiere find this move galling. And Georgia killed her husband to get her team. Allegedly. Could you imagine if Benson won the Super Bowl as the owner of the Los Angeles Saints? Would he copy Georgia after St. Louis won the Super Bowl and say, "Screwing over New Orleans days after a tragedy was the right thing to do. Thank the Lord for Hurricanes or else we would have been stuck in that crap hole."

Benson made matters worse this week when he wrote an email to NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue saying that he would never return to Baton Rouge under any circumstance. Benson felt like his life was threatened. What, like he had never seen an SEC game in Baton Rouge? Opposing coaches and fans take their lives in their hands each week when confronted by those drunken Cajuns. He should be lucky that they only threatened him. LSU fans are the college-equivalent of Raiders fans, only less civilized—if that is possible.

And what about working as the agent for Terrell Owens? You save a child from drowning and people still hate you. Owens whined this week that the Eagles did not celebrate his 100th touchdown reception. Owens went on to say that the Eagles had “no-class” and that they likely would have lit off fireworks if any other member of the organization accomplished a similar feet.

But seeing that Donovan McNabb throws more bounce passes than Allen Iverson, it is highly unlikely that any Eagles receiver will ever approach double-digits in touchdowns for his career.

Of course Mr. Owens had to eat his words a day later, with a statement that was obviously written by somebody on the Drew Rosehaus staff.

"I've had an opportunity to talk with the Eagles organization and I have learned that the team does not recognize individual achievements," Owens said in a prepared statement while looking at the huge memorial hung in honor of Jerome Browne. "It has been brought to my attention that I have offended the organization and my teammates. Therefore, I would like to apologize for any derogatory comments toward them."

Oops, sometimes a "My bad" and some driveway sit-ups just will not cut it.

When it comes to Benson and Owens, I would gladly apply the kelp wrap to Turner's face myself and remove it with my own tongue. Which, of course, would be really gross were I not made of plastic.

I believe that I am supposed to put in some plug for the Hater Nation forums. Yeah, it is a real hoot. We have two idiot Raiders fans, the cast of Ocean's 11, and some low-level columnist weighing in. If you join right now, the IQ level goes up by at least 75 percent. So check it out by clicking here.

What's up for Week 9?

Hey, the NBA season has started. Normally I can avoid the association much in the same way that I avoided donating money to the victims of Hurricane Katrina. But I actually watched five minutes of the Lakers game on Wednesday night. Granted, it was when the dog had kicked over my television tray and I caught a hot bowl of soup the way Mike Brady catches a wedding cake. Yet, the Lakers game was not as irritating as scolding soup in your lap. It is not a crowning achievement of the NBA, but it is a start.

Hey, did the Lakers win on Thursday night? Gary Hogeboom won the individual immunity idol on Survivor and has advanced to the jury round so I missed the Lakers game. I look at Kobe Bryant’s tenure with the Lakers a lot like Survivor. You would have figured after the whole rapping a girl in Colorado thing, he would have been voted off the island, yet he outlasted both Shaq and Phil Jackson. But if you know anything about Survivor, there is always a twist. Much like the popular CBS reality series had a huge twist this season with Stephanie and Bobby John allowed to comeback, the Lakers matched that move with Jackson’s second stint as the club's head coach. Can Kobe survive this season? We will see.

Is This the Year that Colts Finally Breakthrough Against the Patriots?

Let us take a look at teams finally breaking through to beat its nemesis. The Raiders finally beat the Steelers in the 1976 AFC Championship Game. The 49ers finally defeated the Cowboys in the 1994 NFC Championship Game. It is hard to keep knocking down the same team. But then again, the league is filled with numerous teams that could never, as Jim Morrison would say, break on through to the other side. The Houston Oilers of the 1970s are a prime example. The Los Angeles Rams (1970s) and Green Bay Packers (1990s) only reached the Super Bowl through the backdoor.

The only reason to really believe the Colts could win this season is because the team has done a better job of running the football and making Edgerrin James the focal point of the offense. The Colts look like they could finally be on the right track here.

But we have heard that before.

Who is the Sports Dork Picking in the Colts/Patriots Game?

There is something about a Sports Dork column that keeps dragging in a reader. Maybe it is like how Todd Gaines explained his perverse fascination with the "Family Circus" in the movie Go. You know a Sports Dork column (much like the Circus) is going to blow but you are compelled to read it and it ruins the rest of your day along with everything you had already read. The Sports Dork is not the only one. Steve Bisheff is another one that draws you in (must be the hair). So if you check out the Dorks column this week (sorry, there will be no link here), he is picking the Patriots to win. Not like it should be a surprise. I was hopping that he would be so overwhelmingly against the Colts that it would make me pick against the Patriots. Even with all of his "gratifying" of the Patriots, it is still hard to pick against them.

This game is a lot like a regular season 49ers/Cowboys game in 1995. The defending champion 49ers were banged up and heading into Texas Stadium. The sports world figured that the Cowboys would roll. They did not. The 49ers, with Elvis Grbac as their starting quarterback, won convincingly, 38-20.

I am going to side with the Patriots. Do not pick against the champions until they prove you wrong.

Was There Any Unintentional Comedy in the Sports Dork’s Column?

During the 2005 ceremony, the cameras catch Tom Brady hugging Kraft -- eyes watering, cheeks trembling like Tom Cruise in "Top Gun" -- with Brady trying to speak, but unable to find the right words.

Why not go all the way and mention that Bridget Moynihan is a beard and she will have an immaculate conception in the near future, too?

Are Tom Brady and Tom Cruise the same person? Discuss it on the Hater Nation Forums. Click here.