Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Sorry Rednecks

Danica Patrick raced into the record books this weekend at the Indianapolis 500. But not because of her fourth-place finish in the race. Instead, Patrick's four-hour journey at the Brickyard was the longest a woman driver has gone without using her cell phone.

Alright, the jokes are a little stale by now.

But there is a linger question. Is auto racing a sport? What other sport would have a woman dominate during her rookie season? Horse racing? The fact that Patrick was able to not only compete, but come dangerously close to winning the sport’s premiere event should prove to rednecks once and for all that auto racing is not a sport.

This isn't a sexist view. Patrick, and other women, deserves every opportunity to be involved with racing and her skills merit her accomplishments. But you can't imagine a 5-foot-2, 100-pound woman coming off the bench to lead the Patriots to the Super Bowl.

(Though Doug Flutie might prove us wrong this season).

Auto racing takes a lot of skill and dedication over a lot of years. It's just not a sport. Patrick proved that this weekend.


There are critics that claim that Patrick will become the Tiger Woods of auto racing and point to ABC's 40 percent ratings jump as proof to this claim. Interesting point. But how many new viewers were tuned in with hopes of watching Patrick crash her car?

Probably all of them. Patrick will no doubt spark a lot of interest in the activity and a lot of young girls will take an interest in auto racing.

Will auto racing ever become a national passion? Probably not. Nascar supporters always point to ratings and interest to claim that it's the number two sport in the world. (Which we all know is impossible since it isn't a sport). But those numbers also fall in line with President George Bush's approval ratings. Meaning, that Bush and auto racing will always placate the lowest common denominator in the red states and will never capture the nation's consciousness.

The Indy 500 and Nascar's biggest race (whatever that is) will never become a national event like the Super Bowl or the World Series. Say what you want about baseball being in decline, but the World Series is still the freaking World Series and people will care about it.

Auto racing will never achieve that. Arena Football has a better chance of doing it, but that's not going to happen either. The Indy 500 needed a gimic with Patrick's first race to garner any interest. But once Patrick begins to dominate and blow away the competition (which she will), then the Indy 500 will slink back into obscurity once again.


Weaver finally signed with the Angels for $4 million, considerably less than his agent Scott Boras had initially hoped for. It's too bad that the commissioner has been neutered of all of his authoritative powers because the banishment of Boras might be in the "best interest of baseball."

Boras hijacked Weaver's career for one season, a season that he will never get back in his life. Baseball players are playing with a limited career and any time away from their craft can be devastating. Boras might be able to bleed clubs for some extra dollars for his clients, but at what expense to the younger players?

Boras, as far as public interpretation goes, caved in this negotiation and wasted a year of Weaver's life. Yeah, that's in the best interest of the sport.

And what chance does Weaver really have with the Angels fans? Weaver is a good kid with a bad agent. But the fans won't make that distinction. They will perceive Weaver as greedy and his every move will be scrutinized in Anaheim for the rest of his career. Weaver is starting in a no-win situation and will be given little, if any, leway with the fans.

And all for a couple of extra bucks.

Hope it was worth it, Scott.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005


The NBA conspired against the Lakers and the Clippers in the annual draft lottery on Tuesday night. The Lakers and Clippers did not move up a single space so it's obvious that the whole thing was fixed.


If the Lakers had moved up in the NBA lottery, pundits around the country would have decried that it was indeed a conspiracy to make the Lakers the NBA’s prominent franchise again. The league made sure that the Lakers did not have a chance by removing all of their ping-pong balls. In other words, the NBA conspired to make sure that the lottery didn't look like a conspiracy.

The Clippers also had their ping-pong balls removed because--let's face it--they would only blow a top-three pick anyway. Now the Clippers can enjoy their 20th consecutive season of being just one player away.

Now that the lottery is over, it's time for Southern California basketball fans to go back to ignoring the NBA playoffs. No matter how much ESPN wants to tell us that this is the greatest playoffs in world history. Please. Wake us the next time an NBA player can execute a 20-foot jumper.


Idiot fans are an epidemic in the world of sports, but it is not the exclusivity of the Raiders. One team that is pretty underrated in terms of "IFS" (Idiot Fan Syndrome) is the Miami Dolphins fans.

Dolphins fans strive to be like Raiders fans, but seem to fall woefully short in every occassion. One Dolphins fan posted a rambling, incoherent reply to one of our "Drug Report" last week, despite the fact that his team was only mentioned in passing.

We've always suspected that Dolphins fans had some sort of penis-envy fascination with the Raiders. Now we have the pictures to prove it.

Hey Fun Boys, Get a Room

Who knew that the lead singer of Creed was such a Dolphins fan?

It's fitting that his hairstyle was popular back when the Dolphins were good.

Proof that the Dolphins reach out to Miami's gay community.

Somebody get Don Shula a fireman's hat, because that guy is flaming.

Idiots Should Mark Themselves, Part II

Here is the proof that Dolphins fans are trying to mimic Raiders fans... and failing horribly.

That tatoo looks like it was drawn on with a crayon.

But look at these guys.

They hide these tattoos on their legs. They don't have the balls to put them on their shoulders. That's why they will never reach the legendary status of Raiders fans.

On second thought, maybe those two guys have the right idea. This is just dumb.

In closing, these guys are idiots. But it could be worse. They could have a tattoo of a college mascot from a school they never attended. That would be stupid.

Monday, May 23, 2005

Raiders Fan in the Mist Volume III

The much anticipated Freeway League series kicked off on Friday evening, and no surprise, the Angels took two of three from the Dodgers. But it wasn't all giggles, grins, and Crispy Creme donuts for Angels fans. Especially those dumb enough to make the trip out to Chavez Ravine.

Some people obviously don't read the Hater Nation (but you're in good company with nearly the entire free world).

One reader did make the mistake of going to the Angels-Dodgers game on Friday night and here was his account in Raiders Fans in the Wild, Volume III.


I know Dodger Stadium sucks and their fans are idiots... but it was a friend's birthday party and we weren't sitting in the cheap seats; these were $17 reserved seats behind home plate in the upper deck. At least this section would be safe from the Raider element, right?


I immediately felt like Ethan Hawke walking up the steps of the Boyle Heights house in the movie, Training Day, as I started to make the epic climb to my seat. This wasn't the crowd of Star Wars geeks that the smart people were mingling with this weekend. This was like The Cantina scene of the original Star Wars (Episode IV nerds), complete with Guido, Snagletooth, and the other dregs of the galaxy.

It's nice that the Dodgers spent all that money to add those seats in the foul area around home plate. But do you think that they could have earmarked some of that money towards replacing their already dilapidated seats in the upper deck? I now have fiberglass splinters that will likely never purge itself from my butt.

Bad seats, bad crowd, and I won't even get into the fact that the game started at 7:40. That's right, 7:40. Great, that just gives Dodgers fans another reason to still arrive late and leave early. And where is the reception area of the ballpark? Dodger Stadium, for those who have never been, was built haphazardly into the side of a mountain without any thought or planning given. Or so it seems. The stadium has ample wasted acreage that could have easily housed a Hooters, or Catch, but no, they have a gas station. L.A. needs another gas station.

Don't think about having a beer in the parking lot. If the Dodgers fans
don’t shoot you, the lot security will quickly rise to make sure that you are not going to have fun at Dodger Stadium. Who's running the place, Lynndie England?

"No fun" seems to be the motto of Dodger Stadium.

The stadium doesn't have a place to sit and eat food. You can't have a sandwich and a beer in the parking lot. And forget trying to find a restaurant or bar near Dodger Stadium. Unless you want to pull into Letty and Chewy’s backyard, you're out of luck. It's concession lines or bust at Dodger Stadium. And it's fantastic.

It's a minor quible and most East Coast fans will say that Angels fans are spoiled. And they are right. I won't lie about it. Technology has advanced and so have baseball stadiums. You might wax nostalgic about going to a baseball stadium to watch a game. But I get wistful about the times when I could go to games and not fear for my life.

I had just completed a rubbery Dodger dog and was halfway through my overpriced beer when Chone Figgins tripled with the bases loaded to give the Angels a 3-0 lead. I had the audacity to cheer for my team. Stupid me. I was greeted with raining debris from hot dogs, to pennies, to roach clips. I was hooted, hollered, and felt like I was back in high school because somebody said something about "finishing the essay."

It wasn't good-natured ribbing like when a Yankees or Red Sox fan tries to start a fight at Angel Stadium. This was serious. I sat with the same uneasiness as Andy Dufresne in the room full of sodomites in the Shawshank Redemption. I cringed every time a Dodger fan walked at me with his hand cupped. I thought for sure that I was going to be shanked.

I eventually made my way up to the concession stand to construct body armor from those cardboard cup holders. At least I felt a little safer.

The only problem is that the Angels didn't make it any easier as they kicked Dodgers tail, 9-0. The inmates started to get restless. I think I even heard a couple of them chant, "Attica! Attica!" At least the Dodgers fans had some reason to cheer, when Vladamir Guererro was injured "sliding" into home plate. Seriously, it was the biggest ovation of the evening.

That is typical behavior of the Dodger/Raiders fan, to cheer for an injury for the other team. My only concern was that I would be the next one on the disabled list. Seriously.

I know understand why a lot of fans leave early... they are used to strict "visiting hours." Still, I couldn't leave a game early. That's such a Dodgers thing to do. So I sweated out the 9-0 victory (not sweating the game, but my life), and quickly jumped on the 5 Freeway and headed south.

Artie Moreno wants to represent this town and these fans? I've always been ambivalent to the whole name change, but not any more. I understand that Artie wants to increase his global marketing, but attaching yourself to these fans?

I would imagine if Artie sat in the cheap seats of Dodger Stadium this weekend, he would have changed his tune. Not to mention changed the name back to Anaheim.

Saturday, May 21, 2005

The Drug Report

Ricky Williams wants to come back to the NFL and has talked with Dolphins coach Nick Saban.

That's great.

Has anybody asked Ronnie Brown, the number two pick in the NFL Draft, what he thinks about that? Don't expect Brown to miss any playing time with the Dolphins. Instead start fueling the Ricky Williams to the Raiders theories. Get the number 34 jerseys ready for sale.

That leads to an interesting question for Raiders fans. Which jersey do you want to buy?

If you're the pot smoking, dread-lock wearing, lets flee to Bali-type of fan, you will purchase the Ricky Williams jersey.

If you're the don't listen to authority, let's get a posse and run over a meter maid-type of fan, you will purchase the Randy Moss jersey.

There is still this little business about Williams failed drug test last season, but that's only a minor inconvenience for the Raiders. It's not like he's Onterrio Smith. Williams would only be expected to miss four games of the season.

Then again, the Raiders fans always seem to think that the team wins the Super Bowl in September.

Stay tuned.


Trades in the NFL outside of the draft are so scarce that any NFL dealing seems to be big news. Even when one of those names involved is a punter.

Todd Sauerbrun is not your ordinary punter. The position has to be the loneliest on the field. Seriously, does the punter even want to win the game? But Sauerbrun has taken his insecurity to a level unrivaled by the ordinary punter.

Sauerbrun reached national status when he tried to start a fight with reputed NFL tough guys--the Gramatica brothers. Then he got popped for a DUI. Then he complained about his contract.

That all paled in comparison to the revelation that Sauerbrun was prescribed steroids prior to the Super Bowl in 2004. Sauerbrun not only opted for "the cream," but reportedly obtained syringes and the injectable steroid stanozolol.

Sauerbrun might only be a punter, but his penchant for stupidity has reached at least the tight end, possibly running back, level.

Friday, May 20, 2005

Barry Bonds

If anybody wants a good laugh, you can check out the newest online commentary by Barry Bonds. But if you don't want to give the guy some hits on his website, here are some of the highlights.

Dear Fans,

Shouldn't that be singular?

I made it to the ball park a few times this week and had a great time hanging with the guys in the clubhouse.

Really? Is this the same surly Barry that has his own office and recliner in the Giants clubhouse? It's really interesting seeing that Brett Tomko recently said on the Jim Rome Show that nobody knows how Barry is doing because he is never around his teammates.

Either Barry Bonds is a liar, or he's finally starting to realize that his career might not last forever and it's time to start enjoying the camaraderie with his teammates.

We going with 'liar.'

Tuesday was a special day. For about an hour I interviewed one of the greatest baseball players ever, my godfather, Willie Mays. I asked him questions about his career and about me as a child.

So Barry Bonds had some time to spend with one of the greatest living ballplayers of all time, and Barry asks about Barry. How fitting.

From his April 23 journal:

During Spring Training, I attended a press conference at my alma mater, ASU, announcing the re-naming of the stadium to honor coach Jim Brock. After the announcement, I spent some time with the baseball team during their batting practice. I had a great time and was able to give the guys a few hitting pointers.

It's uncertain if Bonds recommended the clear or the cream. Allegedly.

From his March 7 journal:

I'll be there. I'll be on the field and in the lineup on Opening Day. I think that's fair to say. Based on the way my right knee is feeling right now, I'll be ready.

It's clear to see that he’s not much of a prognosticator. How'd that work out anyway? Maybe steroids can only do so much. Allegedly.

And check out this picture.

Dude loves his recliner.

For those that do check out the website there is a section for "shout outs." We still haven't seen shout outs to Juan Tobonia, Howie Feldersnatch, or Al Bonya. Get to work on that, people.


How many people outside of Southern California realize that Khalil Greene of the San Diego Padres is a white dude? There has to be fantasy owners on the East Coast who stumble on a Padres game and are just stunned at this.

Thursday, May 19, 2005


Call this the least surprising story of the year. Terrell Owens is holding out for more money and he's taking shots at his quarterback.

Owens claimed to be a reformed man only one year ago. It was the media that vilified him in San Francisco. The whole business about suing the NFL to get out of a trade in Baltimore--that was just one big misunderstanding. Owens lived up those claims for one season in Philadelphia.

Owens even became somewhat of a martyr when he overcame a devastating injury to play in the Super Bowl.

Owens couldn't capitalize on this goodwill. Instead of using the Super Bowl to show that world that we were all wrong about him, Owens has used this offseason to show the world that we were all correct. All of the concerns and doubts about Owens were right on the money.

Owens is a selfish player who only cares about money and getting ahead. Pity those poor Philadelphia fans that had bought into T.O. being a team guy. A guy that wanted to get the Eagles to the Super Bowl.

Owens has already missed a preseason mini-camp and has called out his quarterback Donovan McNabb. The only thing left for him to do is to insinuate that McNabb is gay, and the cycle will be complete.

McNabb is the guy you have to feel for in this situation. What has this guy done to deserve that treatment that he has received during his NFL career? McNabb was booed on draft day, lost three consecutive NFC Championship Games, wandering unwittingly into the middle of the Rush Limbaugh controversy, and now this whole T.O. scandal.

If anybody should want out of Philadelphia, it should be McNabb.


This passage came from the Hater Nation update on November, 7:

To quote T.O. from Playboy magazine, "If it looks like a rat, smells like a rat, by golly, it's a rat."

T.O. looks like a malcontent, smells like a malcontent, by golly, he's a malcontent. T.O. will start to point the fingers. And at that point look for McNabb to pull out the metal folding chair and knock it over T.O.'s head.

Looks like the Nation was ahead of the curve on that one.


Kellen Winslow II is quickly gaining ground to become the dumbest guy in the NFL.

NFL players, they just want to smoke pot, shoot steroids, and do tricks on their motorcycles like everybody else.

But there is more.

* The Pittsburgh Steelers received this stunning revelation. We expected a little bit more from Touchdown Tommy.

* Avid diver Drew Brees, who has swam with sharks, said that he won't water ski or skydive this offseason.

Football isn't risky enough?


Tim Hasselbeck signed with the Giants. That means more crowd shots of Elisabeth Filarski. The Giants are now one Jason Sehorn signing away from having an all-star wives in the stands shot of Filarski sitting with Angie Harmon.

Adam Archuletta proved that Ned Flanders was right when he said that Heaven was easier to get into than Arizona State. Archuletta says that he feels 6,000 percent better this season. He should be fun to dupe come contract extension time.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Raiders invade Dodger Stadium

One common question asks, "What happened to all of the Raiders fans in Los Angeles?"

They became Dodgers fans.

The Raiders and Dodgers fans always have been linked--much like Angels and the defunct Rams fans. But the violence of Raiders football had managed to keep itself out of chives Ravine.

At least until now.

Things have become so bad at Dodger Stadium recently, uniformed LAPD officers have been asked to be deployed at the Stadium. Yeah, asking the LAPD to keep the peace is like asking Lynndie England to watch over the inmates. With the deployment, the Raiders element has finally taken hold of Dodger Stadium.

The unraveling of Dodger Stadium began with a promotion called $2 Tuesday. Fans can purchase pavilion seating for only $2. The promotion quickly became known as "Tuesday Fight Night."

If there is one thing that Raiders fans love more than fighting, it's cheap tickets. Why did the Dodgers stop there? Why not offer $1 beers and call it, "We're not carding night?" If you offer cheap tickets, you are going to draw the Raiders fans out of hiding and give them a reason to do what they do best--get drunk and start fights at sporting events.

Dodger Stadium is now on par with the Coliseum during the final days of the Raiders stay in Los Angeles. And for what? To get a few extra people in the stadium.


The whole Randy Moss to Oakland saga has not gone unnoticed and will be addressed more completely in future postings. But it's a safe bet that the Randy Moss #18 Raiders jersey is already the most popular jersey among Raiders fans, inmates (like there is a difference), and rap stars.

Maybe now you can afford a Vince Ferragamo jersey.

The best thing about this move is that it has renewed Raiders fans interest in the team. But unless Randy Moss has mastered the trick of throwing the ball to himself downfield or playing pass defense, this move isn't going to have much of an impact for the Raiders.

At least the Raiders fans have their hopes up now. It was getting pretty dangerous for a while there as reality was sinking in for some Raiders fans. Now they can go back to being their impetuous selves.


Drugs are big news during the NFL this offseason.

Bill Romanowski admitted that he pushed the envelope with steroids this week. What are the odds taht a former Raiders and Broncos player would admit to this?.

Onterrio Smith did a lot to prove a theory that pot smokers are among some of the dumbest people on Earth and he ended up missing a mini-camp because of it. Smith is now missing mini-camp.

The average sports writer always asks, "Is it worth millions to keep smoking pot?" And that's not a fair point. Brett Favre admitted that he was still drinking beers even though he was violating league policy. Hell, he did it during Super Bowl weekend in New Orleans for Super Bowl XXXI.

If you banned alcohol, how many players would give up the occasional beer or scotch or whatever? So it isn't entirely fair to blame Smith for that.

But a lot of players in that situation would be a little big smarter about hiding the "Whizzinator."


A fan was recently jailed for throwing a beer at struggling Yankees slugger Jason Giambi. It's a story that made national news, and that's just wrong. If you publicize stories about fans being arrested for throwing debris on that field, that means less fans will be throwing stuff on the field.

And then what would Raiders fans do at games?