Tuesday, December 27, 2005

From the Desk of Lil' Hater

Lil' Hater is on holiday vacation, and is goofed up on spiked eggnog, so he won't be able to contribute anything for a couple days.

But if he did write something ... it would likely include a thorough mocking of the piss-poor Raiders, who just finished the first 0-for-AFC West schedule in the late Al Davis' lifetime. It would also mention the utter embarrassment of the Broncos game, where the players showed their true character, and laid down and quit (again) against their hated divisional rivals.

It would also mention the inevitable quitting that will occur next weekend against the Giants, thereby handing the NFC East to the undeserving Giants. Even the 49ers and Texans are trying to win games, but the Raiders can't be bothered. Disgraceful. (And speaking of the [expletive] Giants, has their ever—in the history of the league—received more beneficial reviews than the Giants? The whole world can tell that Amani Toomer did not catch that ball, but it was ruled “inconclusive.” It is like there is a mandate from the league to ensure that no camera must be on a Giants player when he is near the goal line. He would mention that if he were going to be able to contribute this week.)

He would also mention the fact that Norv Turner, all season long, ignored the begging of LaMont Jordan to give him the ball more often early in the game, and not to abandon the run. Yet last weekend, with Jordan out injured, Norv finally did that, giving the ball to his replacement like 10 times in a row to start the game. Basically, Norv was telling Jordan to (expletive) off, and not challenge his "genius" play calling in the press, it seems. Nice. That's how Marchibroda Line members roll.

And to top things off, he'd also mention that for those delusional Raider fans who want to pin their crappy season on Kerry Collins (the scapegoat de jour), it should be noted that the Cowboys (with a similarly stationary, mistake-prone, crappy old QB posting the same type of numbers as Collins, and with a far, far worse selection of running backs and receivers too) are one win away from the playoffs, while the Raiders suck ass.

I'm pretty sure that's what he'd write, had he the time.


Be glad that Lil’ Hater did not see the final telecast of Monday Night Football, which was chalk full of somber tones and wistful retrospectives. Of course, having Joe Theismann join cast next season can cause that. But why all the fuss? What is going to be so different about next season? Other than the Horse Trailer award being switched to the Horses Ass award in honor of Theismann.

The Monday ritual of going to a bar or sitting at home in front of your television will not change much for the general viewing public. Unless of course, you do not have cable. And look, I am made of plastic and even I have cable. Nobody cares which station carries the game as long as it is a good one. You could put it on the Oxygen Network and nobody would care as long as it was a compelling match-up. That is if you could get Jennifer Beals to reschedule her movie.

The Monday night mystique died with Howard Cosell. Just show us a good game and we will be there.

Other Monday thoughts.

Frank Gifford (who had sex with one of the production girls prior to air-time) said one of his fondest memories of Monday Night Football was the San Francisco earthquake in 1989. Except that happened during a World Series game. Poor Giff, still trying to shake off that crushing hit of Chuck Bednarik.

Honestly, how do you show so many Joe Namath highlights without the Suzy Koebler incident?

Who is ABC more embarrassed about hiring, O.J. Simpson or Dennis Miller? The Juice received way more proppers than the embattled comedian.

Have you ever seen a bigger mismatch than the Real World/Road Rules Gauntlet match between Alton and Danny? That was Tom Brady/Peyton Manning like dominance right there. It is too bad that John Madden was not there to announce it and compare Alton to one of his former Raiders players. But what had to be the most embarrassing moment for Danny? Getting punked by Alton like it was some late 1980s WWF squash match? Or having the hot chick (right)giggle at you when you lost?

Brady and Bill Belichick have the second highest winning percentage of a coach/quarterback right behind Madden and Kenny Stabler. The Patriots quarterback and coach, however, will just have to console themselves with three Super Bowl victories (and closing in on a fourth) while Madden and Stabler could only win one.

This just in, Jake in Progress will appear on ESPN next year. Lil' Hater heard that the hot chick was in Playboy. Can anybody help him out in the Hater Nation Forums.


lumps said...

Funny about the Raiders and their fans. Is Li'l Hater stuck in some 3rd world country without broadband access??

Also, I saw the quintessential Raider fan yesterday when the wife made me go after-Xmas shopping with her. Dude was 5'2, had the black with silver lettering jersey #15, tats on his neck, long curly hair covered with a white do-rag. Dude got thrown out of Gart sports and was telling the security guard he would kill him.

Too bad I didn't have the digicam with me!

Ed said...

While I hate the Raiders as much as the next guy, I should point out that claiming Keyshawn, Terry Glenn and Jason Whitten are "much, much worse" than a 60% Randy Moss, Jerry Porter and whatever schlep plays TE is a bit too much of an overstatement to prevent me from posting. Point well taken about the running backs though, Jordan really should have gone for 1400 this year.

NFL Adam said...

I somewhat agree with Ed that Jason Witten is much better than any of the Raiders receivers. But we would say that Keyshawn and Teri Glenn are not, what you would call, NFL receivers. Moss is one of the best in the game.