Monday, December 12, 2005

From the Desk of Lil' Hater

EAST RUTHERFORD, NEW JERSEY Oakland Raider fans yesterday were treated to an educational game which saw a team going nowhere this season, missing its starting quarterback, and having their best offensive player injured, not quit and rally for victory in support of their embattled head coach.

Of course, that team was Oakland’s competitor, the NY Jets. The Raiders again quit-ingly laid down and quit like the quitters that they are (Editor – Let’s pretend were at least objective here in the game reports).

The Raiders are now a disastrous, horrific (Editor – that's what I'm talking about. You're killing me here) 4-9 for the season, and with three more losable/quit-able (You're pushing me) games to end the season, stand an outside chance of landing a top two or three draft pick this summer.

Which they'll promptly blow on a no-talent loser (Editor – That's it. I'm outta here…).

The Jets, an embarrassing excuse for an NFL team this season, routed Oakland, 26-10, ending a seven-game losing streak. It is just their third victory this season. They were led by Cedric "the Entertainer" Houston, who may or may not be a real NFL running back; he gained 74 yards in place of injured Curtis Martin. Seventy-four year old shortstop Brooks Robinson also passed for a touchdown, in place of Chad Pennington. Jets players dedicated the game to coach Herm Edwards, a nice guy who no matter what gets his team to play hard every week. The Jets committed five penalties.

The Raiders, on the other hand, cowardly blamed the loss on coach Norv Turner, a nice guy who never, ever gets his team to play hard every week. The Raiders committed 13 penalties.

"I'm very frustrated," running back LaMont "Its On Me" Jordan actually said, blaming Turner for not running the ball enough with a new QB under center, Mosi Tatupu.

"I sat back and watched a rookie [Houston] get double the carries I had," continued the selfish Jordan, who reportedly took it on himself to be a team leader this season, before promptly sticking a knife in the back of his coach Sunday.

"Bringing in a new quarterback, you would think there would be more of an emphasis on the running game," added Jordan, who was clearly embarrassed by the rookie Jets running back who upstaged him during his return to the Meadowlands.

Al Davis would be rolling in his grave if he saw the shambolic performance of his team on Sunday.


For Norv Turner, now a career record of 58-79-1, the latest loss brings him a mere one – ONE!!! -- defeat away from the Hater Nation-trademarked Marchibroda Line, the point which differentiates the dime-a-dozen Marty Morninwhegs from the world-class, long-term underachievers.

The Hater Nation, in a feeble attempt to coin a phrase as cool as the SportsDork’s "Ewing Theory," will be playing up Norv's tragi-comic quest to reach The Marchibroda Line in the next week. God help us all if he’s canned in the next six days.

Have a favorite game where Norv pulled defeat from the jaws of victory? Where the offensive genius forgot to give his best player the ball? Where he was totally out-coached by the like of Mike Martz? Let us know at the Hater Nation Forums.

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