Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Breaking Down the Playoff Contenders

This is the time of year that the good teams start gearing up for the playoffs and Matt Millen starts scouting wide receivers. How does your team stack up? The Hater Nation is here to break it down.

AFC
  1. Indianapolis. No, this will be the year that Peyton Manning and Tony Dungy finally win the big one. Yeah, that was the same thinking that inspired Charlie Brown to try to kick that football time after time.

  2. Denver. Quarterback Jake Plummer once led the Cardinals to a playoff victory. That is more impressive than Tom Brady's three Super Bowls. Winning a playoff game for the Cardinals is more improbable than Katie Holmes being impregnated through heterosexual sex.

  3. Cincinnati. Let’s look over all of the Bengals big wins this season. Wow, that was fast.

  4. New England. Hey look the Patriots are getting healthy. If the Patriots win again this season, you have to figure that Archie Manning is going to go Gillooly on Tom Brady at some point.

  5. Jacksonville. Quarterback David Gerrard is no Rico Suave.

  6. Pittsburgh. The Steelers have better its playoff chances now that they have no shot for home-field advantage. Trust us, it is for the best.
On the bubble:

San Diego: Benching Antonio Gates for the first game seems like a real smart decision now, eh? It is hard to believe that a Marty Schottenheimer-coached team would lose so many close games.

Kansas City: The Chiefs must have cried themselves to sleep following that heart-breaker at Dallas. The good news is that superfan Danni Boatwright won the $1 million on Survivor. That has to count for something right?

Oakland: The Raiders are never out of it. Never!

NFC
  1. Seattle. Do you think the NFL would ever let a team with uniforms that ugly play in the Super Bowl?

  2. Chicago. Nice offense. But hey, Rex Grossman should be able to save the day.

  3. New York Giants. Let's say the Manning family record in the playoffs does not bode well for the G-Men.

  4. Tampa Bay. The Buccaneers might have improved their chances by signing Jeff Hostetler’s kid as an injury replacement for Chris Simms.

  5. Carolina. This team is the equivalent of a girl that looks hot in a bar/club, but downright hideous when you get her home. Except the opposite because the Panthers are only good at home.

  6. Dallas. Seeing Drew Bledsoe wears numer 11, which reminds us of Danny White. And by thinking of Danny White in the playoffs makes us think of Gary Hogeboom and the 1982 NFC Championship Game. And now Hogeboom is back in the nation's mind after his stint on Survivor. Think about that. As Pumpkin Escobar would say, "I don't know what the [expletive] you just said, Little Kid, but you're special man, you reached out, and you touch a brother's heart."
(Don't worry, that did not make sense to anybody else either.)

On the bubble:

Minnesota: America is rooting for the Vikings not because they are a likeable team, but because it would mean two weeks of the "Boat Cruise" resets.

Atlanta: Playoffs? Who is talking about the playoffs? We don’t have a diddley-pooh chance of making the playoffs. Alright, that joke was lifted from D.J. Gallo. But why should the Sports Dork be the only one who can steal jokes from him?

Talk about it in the Hater Nation Forums.

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