Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Vikings Code of Conduct Revealed

The Minnesota Vikings recently handed out its code conduct to its players in response to a string of embarrassing incidents that have discredited the team worse than it could ever do on the field, which means that it was really extreme. The code of conduct was not made public but the Hater Nation has obtained some of the specific articles and will present them to you.

Section 1, Paragraph 4: Coaches are encouraged to refrain from having sex with team secretaries, impregnating them, and then forcing them to have an abortion.

Section 1, Paragraph 25: When an employee's wages are garnished by a court order due to child support, the team is bound to withhold the amount indicated up to 14 illegitimate children.

Section 1, Paragraph 29: Report any illegal ticket scalping to your head coach immediately.

Section 1, Paragraph 39: Although facial hair is permitted, a clean, professional and healthy look is encouraged while at work or representing the Vikings. Except for Ragnar, of course.

Section 12, Paragraph 88: Any reference to the "Hail Mary" or "Nate Wright" is strictly prohibited.

Section 11, Paragraph 1: It is good common sense to wait a half hour after eating to sexually assault an adult entertainer on the open seas.

Section 84, Paragraph 1: Players should wait at least 45 seconds before leaving the scene of a traffic incident.

Section 84, Paragraph 4: Posses, crews, and sets must be limited to no more than 14 people.

Section 84, Paragraph 12: Please only squirt NFL officials with water only, not Gatorade. That stuff can get expensive.

Section 84, Paragraph 15: Please leave all bling off of your person if you are playing. Of course gold teeth are acceptable. (Hey, Chad Johnson could be a free agent soon.)

Section 32, Paragraph 1: Leave all drug paraphernalia at home. Do not take it to the airport.

Section 32, Paragraph 1a: If you are going to do drugs, even once in a blue moon, please let us know ahead of time so Matt Birk can take your drug test.

Section 32, Paragraph 5: Do not accept free DirecTV under and circumstance.

Section 77, Paragraph 18: Should you get hurt on the job, see your immediate supervisor to fill out an incident report within 24 hours. Please note, if your out-of-shape, over-weight husband happens to die during training camp, you can rest assured that our family will take care of your family as long as needed.

Section 99, Paragraph 6: Flexibility is a quality that is embraced with the team. You must be willing to move to San Antonio or Los Angels within a month’s notice if needed.

But the Vikings weren't the only team addressing issues. Other teams around the league have recently (or not, some of these jokes will be stale) added to its code of conduct.

Arizona: See Section 1, Paragraph 4 of the Vikings code of conduct.

Atlanta: The use of pseudonyms is strictly prohibited.

Carolina: Cheerleaders, especially in public, must use the restroom one at a time.

Players are required to leave all keys to their trunks with the front office staff and local authorities.

Dallas: Players purchasing a house for orgies must have no more than two players names on the title. (We told you this was old).

Certain coaches should consider wearing a "Bro" (a bra for men).

Only one loud-mouth jerk of a receiver is allowed on that team at a time.

Miami: Crying is prohibited on the practice field.

Oakland: See Vikings code of conduct, section 84 (hereby known as Section 18).

Ecstasy must be of pharmaceutical grade.

Players making sex tapes must submit their work to the quality control office no later than 9 a.m. on Monday morning.

For the fans: Darth Raider's light saber must not exceed 60 inches in length. Spiked shoulder pads should be no more than four inches long. Ugly people encouraged to wear silver and black makeup.

Philadelphia: Running the football is strictly prohibited while quarterback is nursing an injury.

Complaints about coaches, players and management should be submitted in writing to the front-office staff.

Pittsburgh: Quarterbacks are not allowed to ride a motorcycle without a helmet. Except for Tommy Maddox.

Cleveland: Just stay off the (expletive) motorcycle.

St. Louis: No collect calls will be accepted from coaches while games are in progress.

All employees terminated from the team must have one final swim at the owner's beach house.

Have some of your own? Feel free to add them at the Hater Nation forums by clicking here.

1 comment:

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