Friday, November 04, 2005

From the Desk of Lil' Hater

I long figured that the toughest job in sports would be as the dermatologist for Norv Turner. But I am starting to come around on that thinking. Imagine having to be the Saints PR director these days. Owner Tom Benson is trying to use the tragedy of Hurricane Katrina as a reason to relocate his franchise to the prestigious Los Angeles market.

How is that for sensitivity? That is the equivalent of asking a rape victim if she puts out. Even Al Davis, Art Modell, and Georgia Frontiere find this move galling. And Georgia killed her husband to get her team. Allegedly. Could you imagine if Benson won the Super Bowl as the owner of the Los Angeles Saints? Would he copy Georgia after St. Louis won the Super Bowl and say, "Screwing over New Orleans days after a tragedy was the right thing to do. Thank the Lord for Hurricanes or else we would have been stuck in that crap hole."

Benson made matters worse this week when he wrote an email to NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue saying that he would never return to Baton Rouge under any circumstance. Benson felt like his life was threatened. What, like he had never seen an SEC game in Baton Rouge? Opposing coaches and fans take their lives in their hands each week when confronted by those drunken Cajuns. He should be lucky that they only threatened him. LSU fans are the college-equivalent of Raiders fans, only less civilized—if that is possible.

And what about working as the agent for Terrell Owens? You save a child from drowning and people still hate you. Owens whined this week that the Eagles did not celebrate his 100th touchdown reception. Owens went on to say that the Eagles had “no-class” and that they likely would have lit off fireworks if any other member of the organization accomplished a similar feet.

But seeing that Donovan McNabb throws more bounce passes than Allen Iverson, it is highly unlikely that any Eagles receiver will ever approach double-digits in touchdowns for his career.

Of course Mr. Owens had to eat his words a day later, with a statement that was obviously written by somebody on the Drew Rosehaus staff.

"I've had an opportunity to talk with the Eagles organization and I have learned that the team does not recognize individual achievements," Owens said in a prepared statement while looking at the huge memorial hung in honor of Jerome Browne. "It has been brought to my attention that I have offended the organization and my teammates. Therefore, I would like to apologize for any derogatory comments toward them."

Oops, sometimes a "My bad" and some driveway sit-ups just will not cut it.

When it comes to Benson and Owens, I would gladly apply the kelp wrap to Turner's face myself and remove it with my own tongue. Which, of course, would be really gross were I not made of plastic.

I believe that I am supposed to put in some plug for the Hater Nation forums. Yeah, it is a real hoot. We have two idiot Raiders fans, the cast of Ocean's 11, and some low-level columnist weighing in. If you join right now, the IQ level goes up by at least 75 percent. So check it out by clicking here.


bucky said...

Donovan McNabb throws more bounce passes than Allen Iverson. . .

You know you've arrived when L'il Hater steals your material.

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