Monday, November 28, 2005

Chargers Are Still Alive

The Chargers are still alive today. But do they deserve to be? That is the question. And if so, who answers, who answers?

It is LaDainian Tomlinson who answered against the Redskins with three touchdowns, including the game-winner in overtime. Tomlinson was so cool, he even had a chance to check himself out on the video board on the way to pay dirt. Tomlinson, the best player in the NFL, saved the Chargers season with his heroics. (Please are their any holdouts who still believe that the Falcons got the better of the Mike Vick/Tomlinson trade? There must be somebody out there like Japanese soldiers that held out in the jungle following World War II.)

The Chargers are not going to catch the Broncos for the AFC West title. San Diego could run the table and still might not reach the playoffs. Not with Cincinnati, Pittsburgh, and Jacksonville playing a schedule so soft, they should be in the SEC. And seriously, if you give up three touchdown passes to Kyle Boller like the Bengals did on Sunday, you should be eliminated from the playoffs.

The Chargers do catch a break this week by playing host to UC Davis on Sunday.

THE OLD BALL COACH

Chargers coach Marty Schottenheimer became the second consecutive former Redskins coach to walk into FedEx Field and punk Dan Snyder's crew. You figure Steve Spurrier could bring in his South Carolina team and get a victory. It has gotten so bad, the St. Louis football is rumored to be exhuming the body of George Allen to coach the club this week against the Redskins.

THE STEVE BISHEFF STATING THE OBVIOUS MOMENT

Overtime worked out well for the Chargers on Sunday, but any setup that does not give each team a chance to score is wrong. Oops, that almost was an opinion, something the Bish hates.

DEAN MARTIN ONCE SANG ABOUT HOUSTON

It looked like the Houston Texans jumped ahead of the St. Louis football team to show that it could actually beat an NFL team, but then remembered that it might lose its spot in Matt Leinart/Reggie Bush derby and tanked the game in overtime. Does anybody else get the feeling that the Texans are going to draft the Tony Mandrich of the 2006 NFL Draft?

WHY IS THIS MAN SMILING?

Rush Limbaugh must be beaming from ear-to-ear as both the Minnesota Vikings and Philadelphia Eagles lost its African-American starting quarterbacks for the season and are now winning with white quarterbacks. Just as God intended.

Limbaugh celebrated the news with a bottle of OxyContin and cursing the name of David Gerrard.


A GIANT LOSS

FOX analyst Darryl Johnston relayed an anecdote in the second quarter that Eli Messiah enjoys it when teams pressure him because it forces the best out of him. Eli fumbled on the next play like a school boy giving up his lunch money to the local bully as Grant Wistrom harassed him.

Yeah, Eli likes pressure much in the same vein as Bobby Hurley in the 1990 NCAA basketball championship game.

Have you ever noticed that when the Messiah or any of the league’s star quarterbacks throw a ball into coverage, he has "great confidence in his receivers?" Any other quarterback and it is a reckless throw. Remember that if you ever see Brett Favre in prime time again.

It should be noted that the Giants once again folded against a team with a winning record, which seems like a Manning family tradition. Some families open presents on Christmas Eve, the Mannings gag against stiff competition. Winning in the NFL is not so easy when the other team has its first string quarterback, huh? Look for Archie Manning to pan the league for making his boy play against real NFL competition instead of having a schedule like the Bengals.

Things are becoming so dire for the Giants they are combing nursing homes and hospitals to look for honorary owners who will kick the bucket and inspire the team. Is it too soon to use the phrase deader than a Giants owner?

BAD DAY FOR KICKERS

Nate Kaeding had a miserable day for the Chargers, but at least it did not cost the team in the long run. And how bad could it be for Kaeding because Casie still loves him.

The same could not be said for Giants kicker Jay Feely who blew three game-winning chances against the Seahawks (and hurting our fantasy team, too). But as bad as it was for Feely, at least he did not look as stupid as Jeremy Shockey. When you pause the image, you can actually see the point where his heart breaks.

WHO WERE THE AD WIZARDS WHO CAME UP WITH THIS?

Tom Brady's girlfriend, Bridget Moynihan, does not appear in those Visa commercials. And for good reason, those things are awful. But you have to figure that Moynihan likely had all bad commercials written out of her beard contract. You can almost she her saying, "Look, I'll shop with you, eat with you, show up at premieres with you. But don't make me do those horrible ads.”

John Elway has his own commercial out where he is lonely, looking glum because there is nobody to share a 72 ounce cocktail with him in a Hawaii watering hole. You know Jim Kelly would probably relish the chance to have that drink to himself. Trust us, that is funny.

Rumor has it that Madden Football 06 is so realistic, Donovan McNabb gets winded during the Super Bowl after partying all week. In addition to that, have you seen his dad's hairline in those Campbell Soup commercials? Dude doesn't have a chance. And is Mrs. McNabb the biggest media whore of a mother since Brenda Warner?

The only thing worse than hearing Bono’s insipid lyrics, is watching him mug for the camera, which makes us not want to buy the new I Pod. Watch the commercial closely next time. They quickly pan to the blonde haired guy in the band who gives the U2 front man a look where he seems to be thinking, “Just sing the song, douche bag. You are lucky you are making me so much money.”

SUNDAY NIGHT MADNESS

It is simply disgusting that the NFL gave the Saints an extra home game this season, allowing them to play another home date at the Meadowlands on Sunday night.

Joe Theismann, during the intro, said that Saints coach Jim Haslett deserved to be the NFL Coach of the Year because of the way he has allowed his team to fold this season by leaning on a built-in excuse. We immediately started watching The Simpsons.

And speaking of The Simpsons, for those of you who think that this show is done, you are fooling yourselves. “Hey silly rabbit, ribs are for kicks.” The Simpsons still own. You can take the Family Guy, which is merely a cheap copy that goes way over the top to overcompensate for poor writing. Much in the same vein that a man in a midlife crisis buys a sports car. Or a sports columnist wears a rug.

People who say the Family Guy is better are like those tennis court Marxists who are trying to sound intelligent by going along with the masses. Or people who don’t find Ferris Bueller funny. It is just wrong.

Have we given you enough to talk about? Discuss it on the Hater Nation forums by clicking here.

6 comments:

Sports Litter said...

I think the Vick/Tomlinson trade is a wash. The Falcons have the best running offensive in the NFL right now, so they seem to be doing just fine without Tomlinson. Brees isn't playing as well as he did last year, but the Quarterback situation in San Diego seems ok with Rivers riding the bench. Seems like a pretty even trade to me.

I do agree however that Tomlinson is the best player in the NFL right now.

Kenny Chesney said...

Dude, Ferris Beuller is awesome. The only better movie is The Raplacements. My roommates and I watch them every night and, man, do we put down the brews!

Scott said...

Oh, come on. The Simpsons has been going downhill for years, but it really lost it in 2001. You know that saying that 50,000 monkeys with 50,000 typewriters could eventually write Shakespeare? Well, everything else they write seems to make it onto a Simpsons episode.

I give you "The Blunder Years", the episode that begins with Marge having a crush on the Burly paper towel man and ending with the family discovering Smithers father's corpse. Or how about "The Frying Game" that starts with the screamapillar and concludes with Marge and Homer being part of a reality show where they are framed for murder? How many premises can you shove into 23 minutes? It's frustrating to watch.

Family Guy, on the other hand... comedy gold. And if you say any differently, the terrorists have already won.

And Ferris Bueller rules. No question.

rf said...

Interesting post. I am an avid online gambler and fantasy sports player and place most of my bets online. I find the internet to be a great tool and even use resources like StatShark to help me make my picks. What a great sports forecastings tool.

Cutthroat Pirates said...

"Buccaneers are still alive" Sorry bro, but I think my team is going back to the post season. GO GRUDEN.

Lil Hater said...

This post awoke me from my 5-day, tryptophan-induced coma.

Firstly: Vick has actually led his team to victory in the playoffs, twice. Once in Lambeau Field, too. LT hasn't done that, and he won't do that this year, either, 'cause the Bolts aren't going to the playoffs. But Vick is. Good games against the piss-poor Skins and Raiders are nice, but playoff wins are what justify high draft picks. Large advantage, Atlanta. Also, LT needs a better nickname, like Ron Mexico.

Secondly: The Simpsons have pretty muched sucked since the end of Season 6. Funny, perhaps, but not Ha-Ha funny. Contributing factors for the decline are the death of Phil Hartman, the loss of Conan O'Brien and other good writers, when all their smart people started working on Futureama, and the insipid episode that introduces Poochie. Don't get me started here.

Thirdly: Everyone is talking about the Colt's quest for perfection, but what about the Raider's historic attempt to go 0-for-the AFC West this year? This angle deserves a story.

That is all.