Sunday, October 02, 2005

Secrets of College Football Exposed!

The Hater Nation has received documentation as to why the University of Southern California has struggled in the first half of its past two games. This document might surprise some and it exposes corruption at the highest level.

The Hater Nation, through its exhaustive research has uncovered the following email. We warn those that they might not look at college football the same.



DATE: September 19, 2005

Subject: USC’s continual snot-kicking of the college football field

From: Brand, Myles (mbrand@ncaa.org)

To: Carroll, Pete (pcarroll@usc.org)

Dear Pete,

It is quite obvious that your football team is head and tails above the rest of the competition. Therefore I am asking you to not score any points in the first-half of football games. It is the only way to ensure competitive balance in the NCAA and to give teams like Texas—who likely would not finish fourth in the Pac-10, a sense that they could compete for the national title. Otherwise teams will stop fielding football teams.

Can you help a brother out?

Myles

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Date: September 20, 2005

Subject: RE: Are you freaking crazy?

From: Carroll, Pete (nationalchampcoach@yahoo.com)

To: The Dictator (mbrand@ncaa.org)

Myles,

It is great to hear from you. But I have to say that you are freaking nuts. Do you remember how we got screwed out of the BCS a couple of years ago? I am not going to do you any favors. Let Texas, LSU, and the other losers get a little better. It is not on me. Maybe you should let ASU or Cal play us in the BCS championship game. At least then it will be close.

Pete

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Date: September 21, 2005

Subject: Do not make me lose my job!

From: Fouts, Dan (theqb@abc.com)

To: The Devil (pcarroll@usc.org)

CC: Brand, Myles (mbrand@ncaa.org); Musburger, Brent (bmusburger@abc.com)

Pete,

Are you trying to get me fired? If you keep blowing teams out, nobody will watch college football. If nobody watches college football, I cannot make any money. The next thing you know, I will be signed up to do “The Water Boy 2.” Do not make do that movie, Pete. Think of my children.

Dan

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Date: September 21, 2005

Subject: Comma Peet, I cannot loss my job either!

From: Brent Musburger

To: Daddy (pcarroll@usc.org)

CC: Honey Pants (fouts@abcsports.com )

Pete,

If you kept beating oppnetnts two bad, I will iventually loss my my job. Then how will I bye more scotch and cheap bears? How? No seriously, do you know where I can keep cheap beers in Corvallis?

The Burger.

P.S. I am not wering pants rite now.


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Date: September 22, 2005

Subject: Brent, we are in Eugene this weekend. (URGENT)

From: Fouts, Dan

To: Lush Partner (bmusburger@abc.com)

Brent,

Go sleep it off and make sure you are taking a taxi to the right town.

Love,
Danny


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Date: September 22, 2005

Subject: Relax guys

From: Carroll, Pete

To: Brand, Myles; Fouts, Dan; Musburger, Brent

Gentlemen,

I see your point. I agree. I will limit my team to field goals in the first half of our upcoming games. If not for the good of college football, at least to keep me interested in the game. Good talking with all of you.

Pete

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Yawn.

Seitz said...

I hate USC passionately, but if it will help put Dan Fouts out of a job, I can live with them winning.