Monday, October 10, 2005

Lil' Hater's Breaking News

ST LOUIS The St. Louis Football Team, in a shocking early-season development, has announced that head coach Mike Martz will step down immediately from his post of six years, to be replaced by deceased television personality Redd Foxx.

Citing the need to recover from a mysterious heart ailment, Martz leaves the team with a 56-36 career record, including a loss in Super Bowl XXXVI, where he was widely credited for being totally out-coached by the Patriot’s Bill Belichick. Martz also will be remembered as being the only coach who could shut down Marshall Faulk in his prime. He will be leaving the keys of the once-good St. Louis Football Team, formerly known as the “The Greatest Show on Turf” in the hands of Foxx, who comes into the league with no NFL head coaching experience.

Much like Martz.

When asked why the St. Louis football team would not go for an established NFL head coach, team President John Shaw said, "Yeah, because look how well that worked out for the Raiders and Norv Turner."

The appointment of Foxx, best known as junk dealer Fred G. Sanford, star of 1970’s TV hit Sanford & Son, comes as a shock to the NFL establishment, akin to the Cowboy’s hiring of Barry Switzer in the late 90’s. The fact that Sanford & Son’s main plot line involved Foxx faking a heart attack each week also is seen as curious.

"I assumed that Martz was using the heart-illness as an excuse, to deflect criticism for his poor play calling, utter uselessness in exploiting the Coach's Challenge Rule, and shoddy man-management skills," said CBS football analyst Boomer Esiason. "And now the trend is likely to continue with Foxx.

"Frankly, I think the Georgia Frontiere is trying to hide their poor organizational skills by using the heart-issue to garner sympathy. My advice to the new coach would be, ‘Stay away from the swimming pool, Redd!’”

Others are not so sure the move won't work out, however.

"In Sanford & Son, Foxx portrayed a stubborn, argumentative antiques and junk dealer, whose dopey money-making schemes routinely backfired, and created more troubles,” noted Fox's Howie Long. "So basically, he has all the same characteristics of Martz, right down to a tee. I mean, did you see that wacky decision to run a reverse on the Giant’s 10-yard line the other week? Jesus. And is there a real difference between an antiques dealer and a being 76-year-old Marshall Faulk’s coach?

"The fact that Redd Foxx can’t come up with a stupid game plan, and make up plays that gets his QB beaten to a pulp every week is actually likely to help."

Foxx's first press conference with local media was cut short this afternoon. After a question over whether the Rams would run a 4-3, or 3-4 defense, Foxx stumbled about the media room, clutching his chest, while calling out to his deceased Sanford & Son wife, Elizabeth.

"This is the big one ... I'm comin' to join ya, honey," Foxx said, concluding remarks.

"That's the same damn thing Martz said when we questioned his replay challenge in the first play of the year," noted a confused Esiason.

Editor's Note: Opinions expressed in this column are soley those of Lil' Hater. This is not so much a disclaimer to our readers as much as it is to the Lord when he starts aiming those lightning bolts.

No comments: