Monday, October 24, 2005


Lil Hater's Report From Oakland

OAKLAND -- California's get tough on criminals policy has finally come back to haunt the Oakland Raiders, as the team’s game against the Buffalo Bills was played in front of thousands upon thousands of empty seats. Those in the know blame the tens of thousands of Raider fans who were either recently incarcerated or deported as the reason for the embarrassing attendance figures.

The announced attendance for the Raiders-Bills match up was a paltry 42,779, which is only two-thirds of the official capacity of the McAfee Coliseum. However, eyewitnesses say that the stadium looked much emptier than that, with a majority of the upper deck vacant, and the mezzanine only half-full. Much like an Atlanta Braves postseason game.

The vast amount of no-shows caused the game to be blacked-out on local television, depriving viewers with High-Definition TVs in the Bay Area the ability to examine head coach Norv Turner's ghastly and pitiable complexion up close and personal. It was the second straight Raiders home game blacked out, and it was also the lowest attendance figure seen at the Mausoleum since last year’s final home game, against Jacksonville. According to local reports, the Raiders won the game, 38-17.

Don't blame the humiliating attendance figures on fickle Raider "fans" who would rather stick a fork in their eye than see their inept team stagger through the motions on yet another Sunday, Raider die-hards say. Instead, chalk up the no-shows to California’s stringent "Three-Strikes-and-Out" policy, which has sent a large percentage of the team’s hard-core base – consisting of petty thieves, meth addicts and wife beaters – to the pokey.

"All fans want to be like the raider [sic] fans," said one Internet scribe today. "we [sic] aer [sic] the most loyal fans anywhere adn [sic] people are afraid of us. thats [sic] a good thing."

The other 42,778 loyal fans at the game, a mere 48,000 less than was seen that day at the Redskins-San Francisco game at FedEx Field, concurred with this assessment.

"The fact that this team has no shot of making a playoff run, is poorly coached, and lacks heart has no basis whatsoever on why fans aren’t coming to games any more, a mere seven weeks into the season," the fan is thought to have considered saying, had he basic typing skills.

To read more rantings from lunatics, click here.


SPG said...

Great site! From one Raidur hater to another - keep up the good work!

Raidurs SUCK!

Scott said...

His "ghastly and pitiable complexion"? That's just fucking mean, man.

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