Monday, October 31, 2005

The Pleasure & The Bain

Greetings, Hater Nation!

I am Conrad Bain and I've been invited to be your guest blogger today. As some of you may know, Hater is gone on business. Over the weekend, he traveled to Asmara, Eritrea to break ground at the future site of the North African Outreach Academy, a joint project between The Hater Nation and Animosity International designed to teach Raider-hatred to children in poor and developing countries.

Now, I realize that some of you wonder what the heck Conrad Bain is doing here, on a football blog. I fully understand. When most people think of Conrad Bain, they think of the actor, a respected star of screen and stage, not merely a consummate professional, but a jet-setter, a man who is at home sashaying across a dancefloor in Barcelona with Kitty Carlisle on his cheek, or in Monaco, burning up a Baccarat table with his close personal friend, Bill Cullen.

However, don't be deceived by my gallivanting image. The Bain Man knows his way about the hallowed gridiron, and, shortly, will commence to dropping science. In doing such, I will comport myself in a friendly, dignified bearing, and I hope that you in the audience will respond in kind. However, don't be fooled by my easygoing manner. Should you choose to act toward me with the intent of provoking my displeasure, I shant hesitate to make a bitch of you.

Everyday Is Halloween In Oakland
I'll be honest right off the bat and admit that I didn't see the Raiders game yesterday. Not only that, I haven't checked the web for game highlights or even glanced at an NFL scoreboard today. But I know the Raiders won. This morning Wired News reported that servers at have crashed due to a sudden demand for tickets from Oakland to Detroit. That and the fact that the hit counter at is spinning like a slot machine tell me everything I need to know.

Regardless of the big win, though, there won't be any Raiderfans stopping by here today. With Halloween Warehouse holding their Last Chance Clearance Sale before closing their doors for eleven months, Raiderfan will be too busy replenishing his wardrobe to show up here. Any of you parents who haven't yet picked out costumes for your kids should just steer clear of the mall at this point. You don't want to get stabbed in the kidneys with a jailhouse shiv while reaching across a bargain bin for the last rubber skull, or have your kids permanently traumatized watching drunk welfare recipients murder each other over a toy plastic sword.

A guy I knew from Oakland once said to me, "Everyone's a Raider fan on Halloween!"

I smashed a bottle of 12-year-old Cadenhead scotch over his head after he said that.

Philadelphia: You Aren't Any Good.
The Eagles are never going to win a Super Bowl so long as A) Andy Reid is their coach and B) Donovan McNabb is their quarterback. Has anyone on the Philly staff taken the time to explain to McNabb that he's not allowed to throw bounce passes in the NFL? Judging by yesterday's snot throttle at the hands of the Broncos, it doesn't look like it. I haven't seen so many balls bouncing this way and that since I accidentally wandered into George Takei's dressing room after a summer stock production of The King & I.

Speaking of choads, how about the Vikings? Props to all the dopes who, after the Cryking's toothskin home victory over the 1-6 Packers, dove to the front of the Purple Party Barge and proclaimed the team a darkhorse favorite in the NFC. As you're nursing your broken ankles this morning, consider this: the Vikings will never win anything. Nothing. And not just because Mike Tice has the wit of a cinder block. Minnesota's tradition of gridiron futility is as deeply ingrained as the instincts that drive the state's citizens to place plywood shanties on frozen lakes and spear suckers through a hole. This weekend in Carolina, the Vikings were exposed more quickly than Lance Rentzel left alone with a minor. One can only hope they performed better on their boat than they do on the field, or at least let the hos keep the necklaces instead of asking for them back.

Rubley Does It Again
Props to TJ Rubley, who, nearly a decade after his legendary "Rubely Rollout" at the Metrodome, destroyed yet another late-game Packer drive yesterday in Cincinnati. Trailing 21-14, the Packers had reached the the Bengals' 28 with 23 seconds left, when Rubely appeared out of nowhere and snatched the ball from Brett Favre's hands. Once in possession of the football, Rubeley paused to audible a new play to his bewildered teammates, then spun around and galloped backwards down the field, waving and screaming with glee as he held the ball aloft... in other words, he behaved exactly as he did when he was employed.

"I recognized the audible," said William Henderson after the game. "TJ hasn't lost a step."

Rubley was eventually tackled by security officers and, hopefully, beaten like a redheaded mule.

Washington: You Aren't Any Good.
It's always fun watching Washington get smeared, and yesterday at the hands of the Giants was no different. Then I remembered that I picked the Slurs, and felt like a retard.

Okay, that take stunk, but what do you want? I'm not a professional, like, say, Adam Schefter or Steve Bisheff. If I was The Bish, I'd say something like, "With two consecutive wins under their belt, the Giants have got to be feeling pretty good right now. If this team can continue to win each week, I think their fans will have plenty to smile about."


Air Force Academy football coach Fisher Deberry came under fire last week after his team's loss to Texas Christian when he said, "Afro-American kids can run very, very well. Their (TCU's) defense had 11 Afro-American kids on their team and they were a very good defensive football team."

Deberry's comments set off a firestorm of anger and criticism, which an apology from the Academy has so far been unable to quell. Fortunately, Coach Deberry received some public relations help this morning from his close personal friend, William Bennett, who sought to clarify the coach's remarks.

"I think what Fisher meant to say," explained Bennett, "is that if you were to abort all Afro-Americans, TCU would see a marked decrease in the speed of their defense."

Bennett was eventually tackled by security officers and, hopefully, beaten like a redheaded mule.

Friday, October 28, 2005

What's Up For Week 8?

You have questions about the upcoming week? The Hater Nation will try to provide with the answers, as only we can.

What's up with the St. Louis football situation?

It is pretty grave. Mike Martz has threatened St. Louis football fans by saying that he will be back to coach the team next season. But it is looking more and more like Martz will not be welcomed back at all. This is horrible news. The St. Louis football team and Martz were a perfect marriage of inept ownership/management matched only by a clueless coaching staff. It is like Colonel Jessup in A Few Good Men. We want Martz on that wall, and need him on that wall. But there is no reason to push the panic button if Martz is let go. Let's remember that when Georgia Frontiere and John Shaw were running the Rams, they traded away Eric Dickerson and brought in esteemed quarterbacks such as a washed up Bert Jones and Dieter Brock. There is reason to believe that they will capture that same lightning in a bottle with the St. Louis football team.

One wild card to consider is what happens to Martz. The beleaguered coach could find himself without a job. The Raiders could find themselves in need of a football coach. Could you imagine?

What is the worst quarterback controversy in the history of the NFL?

You would think that the on-going Trent Dilfer/Charlie Frye drama in Cleveland could be the worst quarterback controversy ever. But the Cleveland might not even be the worst quarterback controversy of the season. San Francisco coach Mike Nolan is debating between starting Alex Smith and Ken Dorsey. That is like trying to decide which broad you find attractive in Dove's campaign for beauty. Sure not all women look like swimsuit models, but most women are better looking than Chyna and the typical starting five of your average WNBA team. Who were the ad wizards that came up with that? What a horrible campaign. As Homer Simpson would say, "I like my beer cold, TV loud, and my models emaciated."

Although it has been reported that Sheryl Swoopes is a huge fan of the campaign.

Which quarterback has single-handedly killed the most fantasy football franchises, Daunte Culpepper or Peyton Manning?

It is Manning and it is not even close. If you selected Culpepper in your fantasy draft, here is a sign—it says that you are an idiot. How did you not see this coming? Even if Peter King wants you to believe that the Vikings are going to be better off without Randy Moss, nobody believed it. If you drafted Culpepper, you have nobody to blame.

Manning is a different story. Manning was a top-three pick in everybody’s draft, even the top pick in some instances. There was no empirical evidence that Manning was going to turn into a modern day Troy Aikman. The Cowboys signal caller might have been the best quarterback in the 1990s, but he was fantasy death as he handed the ball to Emmitt Smith. The only hope is that Peyton will eventually grow tired of all of the praise draped on the Eli Messiah and will start tossing six touchdown passes a game.

Speaking of Peyton and Eli, how long until this evolves into a rivalry much like brothers Bret and Owen Hart? It will not be long before Peyton has a meltdown on national television telling everybody that he is not a "Nugget."

Greg Louganis says, "Dive into the Hater Nation Forums." You know you really want to sound off about this. Click here.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

NFL to Exploit New Orleans Post Katrina

Leave it to the NFL to never pass up the opportunity to make a little money. As New Orleans continues to clean its streets and rebuild its city in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, NFL owners are swooping in like a proverbial pack of locust. Remember all of the goodwill the NFL had when it held a telethon for the victims of Katrina? That seems like a lifetime ago. Now the business of the NFL, which means exploiting local municipalities, is back in full swing.

The Washington Post is reporting that the NFL could relocate the Saints to Los Angeles if New Orleans does not come up with the money for a new stadium. But before fans in Southern California purchase a Deuce McAllister jersey, consider a few things.

Where is the team going to play? Who is going to pay to refurbish the Coliseum or build a stadium in Anaheim? If Tom Benson is not going to invest his own money to build in New Orleans, what makes you think he will pay for a stadium in Southern California.

And do not even think that local taxpayers are going to approve a stadium proposal. That is not happening.

Maybe Tom Benson will sell the team. The Washington Redskins were sold to Daniel Snyder for $800 million. The expansion Houston Texans went for $750 million. So a new owner would have to pay nearly $1 billion for a team and then build his own stadium. That is realistic. Almost as realistic as the notion expressed by Anaheim City Manager Dave Morgan who said that the NFL would be considering two teams in the region—one in downtown LA and the other in Anaheim.

Yeah, right. That would be an awful lot of NFL-staged telethons to raise that kind of money. The NFL has no intention to return to Los Angeles. Instead the NFL wants the ravaged gulf coast region to pony up for a new stadium for Benson and sadly, he will get it.

Discuss this on the Hater Nation Forums.

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Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Big WNBA News

Well, at least as big as news about a fake sports league can be.

The WNBA on Wednesday celebrated the announcement of its first ever heterosexual fan. Long-time fan Sandra Hooper announced on Wednesday that she was indeed a heterosexual and actually loved men. Hooper, a season ticket holder for the Los Angeles Sparks, said that despite the obvious signs—flannel shirt, mullet hair style and, you know, WNBA season tickets—she is 100 percent into guys.

"Yep, I truly love men," Hooper said. "I like real men like Siegfried & Roy, Charles Nelson Riley, Brian Boitano, and Terrell Owens. I just love them."

Hoopers' announcement came on the heels of reigning WNBA MVP Sheryl Swoopes who came of the closet on Wednesday when she announced she was a lesbian. Fans were caught off-guard. No, not that there was a lesbian in the WNBA, but rather that the WNBA still existed. Swoopes told ESPN the Magazine that she did not come out closet earlier in fear that the league’s lone heterosexual fan—Sandra Hooper—would not look up to her as a role model.

"It is important to make sure that the minority of our fan base did not feel disenfranchised," Swoopes said.

Swoopes said that it "irritates" her that nobody talks about male athletes being gay in other sports, but it has become an issue in the WNBA. Greg Louganis agreed with that assessment and both former Olympic champions are looking forward to the day there is a gay athlete in a real sport.

"We're looking at you Tom Brady."

Bird Says She is Still Straight

Seattle point guard Sue Bird went out of her way on Wednesday to point out that she was still heterosexual and was still looking for some guy—any guy—to find her attractive. Bird also wanted to mention that her profile is still active and looking for its first hit. There were no takers as of press time.

Greg Louganis says, "Dive into the Hater Nation Forums."

You know you really want to sound off about this. Click here.

Ask a Raiders Fan

The Hater Nation, as a service to you, will interact with Raiders fans periodically on the Internet. Because seriously, you do not want to interact with these people. Trust us. These responses were taken directly from a Raiders message board and have not been altered in any way. We would like to point out that it took only two responses before we were threatened with physical violence. It's a new record.

Question: What do guys such as Violater, PharaohRaider, and GladiRaider dress up as on Halloween? We suggest going to a football game as an intelligent fan, complete with newspaper and armed with football knowledge. Maybe you could go without stabbing a guy for an afternoon.

You know what's funny? You would never say this to one of their faces. They'd stomp the shit out of you and you know that. So therefore, you're going on the Internet talking all sorts of ignorant shit. May God have pity on you desolate soul.

Does the irony of threating somebody with violence, over the internet, ever hit these guys?

Question: The Raiders won one football game over a mediocre football team. Are the Raiders going back to the Super Bowl?

Admit it: you see a Raider Renaissance and it scares you shitless. We're coming together as a team and ou can expect more pain in the very near future. Now, go put on your Madonna outfit and hit the streets, your pimp is getting impatient! Also, I noticed you haven't said who YOU pull for. Trying to hide something here, little girl?

Yep, Lamont Jordan rushed for three touchdowns against the worst team against the rush and it is a renaissance. Well at least its a renaissance for Raiders fans who have reverted back to the worst in the NFL.

Comment on this or other topics at the new Hater Nation forums. Click here.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Worst. Coach. Ever.

Lil' Hater Drops Some Science

The morning after watching Atlanta coach Jim "pass me the smelling salts" Mora Jr. lead his team to another easy victory—despite the total absence of a passing game—Lil' Hater got to thinking. And as they often do, his thoughts came back to this unanswerable question: Why, exactly, is Norv Turner still an NFL head coach?

Any bobblehead with access to can see that Turner's coaching history places him squarely on the short list for worst long-term NFL head coach of all time. Making his ugly mug's location on the Raiders' sideline perhaps understandable to some extent.

With a flattering 2005 record of 2-4 putting the Raiders in the basement of the AFC West once again, the signs are clear that this season will be no aberration in the Turner resume, which lists an overall record of 56-74-1. Let's be generous and assume the Raiders go 4-6 the rest of the season, putting Norv’s W-L record at 60-80.

Not so bad, you say? Consider these hastily assembled facts:

Since 1950, there have been 29 head coaches who have lasted long enough, and won enough, to chalk up 80 losses along the way. Twenty-two of those 29 coaches have winning records. 21 of those 29 coaches have won, or at least been to, an NFL or AFL championship game, including such titans of the clipboard as Sam Wyche (84-107) and George Wilson (68-84).

In fact, in the past 55 years of pro football, only three of those 29 coaches with 80+ losses have neither made the league's championship game, nor finished with a winning record. Those three are the hapless John McKay (44-84), the doting Ted Marchibroda (87-98), and the before-my-time Norm VanBrocklin (66-100). And you’ll be able to add Norv’s name to this underachieving list at the end of the season.

Yet McKay was saddled from the get go with an expansion team and was a legend at the University of Southern California. Marchibroda had to deal with the franchise relocation of the Balitmore Ravens, and the complete and utter embarrassment that was Art Model and his family of money-grubbing thieves. Marchibroda, who previously coached the Balitmore Colts, laid the foundation of an eventual Super Bowl champion. Turner, on the other hand, has been gifted a head coaching position with two of the league's glamour teams, and has on each occasion driven those franchises right into the ground. And both McKay and Marchibroda at least made the conference championship once apiece, while in his sole playoff appearance Norv was thwarted from reaching the NFC Championship Game by the QB heroics of Shawn King.

That's right, outwitted by Shawn King.

So with a record of glorious failure like this, is it really surprising that Randy Moss isn't getting the ball enough, that LaMont Jordan has to beg for more touches, and that the team can’t line up without a penalty being called? No, it really isn’t. Now in his second disappointing season with the Raiders, the Norv Turner II era is going much as the Norv Turner I era went – that is to say, nowhere. And fast.

Allegedly a nice guy, Norv is the Michael “Brownie” Brown of the NFL. A product of NFL cronyism, in over his head, standing by idly while his teams sink into the abyss. Yet there appears to be no clamor within the Raider organization, or their allegedly rabid fan base, for change. Among the many, many mistakes made by Al Davis & Co., this could be the most glaring.

Comment on this or other topics at the new Hater Nation forums. Click here. Otherwise Homer will "Mace you good."

Monday, October 24, 2005


Lil Hater's Report From Oakland

OAKLAND -- California's get tough on criminals policy has finally come back to haunt the Oakland Raiders, as the team’s game against the Buffalo Bills was played in front of thousands upon thousands of empty seats. Those in the know blame the tens of thousands of Raider fans who were either recently incarcerated or deported as the reason for the embarrassing attendance figures.

The announced attendance for the Raiders-Bills match up was a paltry 42,779, which is only two-thirds of the official capacity of the McAfee Coliseum. However, eyewitnesses say that the stadium looked much emptier than that, with a majority of the upper deck vacant, and the mezzanine only half-full. Much like an Atlanta Braves postseason game.

The vast amount of no-shows caused the game to be blacked-out on local television, depriving viewers with High-Definition TVs in the Bay Area the ability to examine head coach Norv Turner's ghastly and pitiable complexion up close and personal. It was the second straight Raiders home game blacked out, and it was also the lowest attendance figure seen at the Mausoleum since last year’s final home game, against Jacksonville. According to local reports, the Raiders won the game, 38-17.

Don't blame the humiliating attendance figures on fickle Raider "fans" who would rather stick a fork in their eye than see their inept team stagger through the motions on yet another Sunday, Raider die-hards say. Instead, chalk up the no-shows to California’s stringent "Three-Strikes-and-Out" policy, which has sent a large percentage of the team’s hard-core base – consisting of petty thieves, meth addicts and wife beaters – to the pokey.

"All fans want to be like the raider [sic] fans," said one Internet scribe today. "we [sic] aer [sic] the most loyal fans anywhere adn [sic] people are afraid of us. thats [sic] a good thing."

The other 42,778 loyal fans at the game, a mere 48,000 less than was seen that day at the Redskins-San Francisco game at FedEx Field, concurred with this assessment.

"The fact that this team has no shot of making a playoff run, is poorly coached, and lacks heart has no basis whatsoever on why fans aren’t coming to games any more, a mere seven weeks into the season," the fan is thought to have considered saying, had he basic typing skills.

To read more rantings from lunatics, click here.

St. Louis Won't Grant Dying Coach's Last Wish

Does this seem like a bad movie cliché to anybody else? Mike Martz, convalescing at home, tried send in a play call over the phone (a running play—maybe they thought it was fake), only to be denied by the evil owner’s henchman, Jay Zygmunt. Even Tom Benson is not this malicious.

At least Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis had the decency to grant the wish of a dying 10-year old boy who called the Irish's first play against the University of Washington. Then again, it was the University of Washington—a team even the Saints could handle.

I would like to see this play out like Necessary Roughness where current interim coach Joe Vitt tries to imitate Martz by calling a pass on every down, but eventually breaks down and calls a running play for Stephen Jackson. Then Martz shows up at halftime for the big game, tells his team it was just indigestion, makes a horrible challenge on an non-reversible play, followed by a bumbling play call as the St. Louis football team loses the big game to keep them out of the playoffs. That is a Hollywood ending.

You can discuss this further at our revamped forums by clicking here.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Status as a Fan Now Under Review

I hate officials.

I am in favor of calling games the same way you officiate a pick-up basketball game, everybody calls their own fouls. Maybe congress could pass this while they are trying to rid baseball of steroids. Yeah, it is a Raider-fan thing to do to blame the officials. And its not that the Chargers lost Sunday's game entirely because of the referees. It is just tiring to see a referee’s incompetence affect the outcome of games.

And let this be a memo to those twits who want replay in baseball. It will not matter. Officials are afraid to overturn a call in fear of showing up their buddy. Too often an official will use the cop-out of "inconclusive evidence" as a crutch for further incompetence. If you see a knee on the ground and a ball in possession, call what you see. Even if Dan Dierdorf is screaming, "the ball is almost coming loose." What is that supposed to mean anyway? Referees are supposed to anticipate a ball coming loose and call a fumble?

Again, Josh Paul could have tagged the batter. Reche Caldwell could have had two hands on the football. That is not the point here. Do not let the overwhelming of incompetence of referees or umpires sour games. It seems like only yesterday that Ed “Guns” Hochuli was the only media-whoring official. Now your average referee is getting more time than your average American Idol camera copulator. I saw the referee of the Chargers game so much, I did not know if he was calling a game or plugging appearance in Vampire Bats.

The officials are becoming bigger stars than the players. The Chicago White Sox had four pitchers toss complete games in the American League Championship Series. But history will likely only remember Doug Eddings. The Eagles held the best running back on the planet, LaDainian Tomlinson, to basically no yards. The special teams made a great block on special teams. But all anybody can talk about is the botched replay review.

I have enough conclusive evidence that the referee did not want to overturn a call and show some backbone.

It’s time to let the players earn the victory. The Angels probably would have lost in extra innings. Drew Brees might have pulled the Rick Kane on the next play. It would have been nice to find out.

Not So Fast Raiders Fan

Raiders fan probably read the above and said, "Yeah just like the tuck rule." Actually that is the exact opposite. The referee in that game actually have the huevos rancheros to make the correct call and the Patriots went on to earn the victory. You can argue the stupidity of the tuck rule, but the referee made the right call in that instance.

World Series Update

The referees botched a call when Jermaine Dye fouled a ball off his bats, but was awarded first base by the home plate umpire who thought it hit his arm. We guarantee you that replay would not have overturned that call. The White Sox again might have gone on to win that game. The Sox could go on to win the World Series but the Chicago Curse will always linger because this team was the biggest beneficiary of bad officiating in post season history. It is a shame because the White Sox have the best team this season. Would have been nice to know for sure.

Isn't it funny in a year when the White Sox might break the Black Sox curse, it sure looks like the umpires on in on a fix.

Rain, Rain, Go Away

How much rain is it going to take for Major League Baseball—or better yet, FOX—to call a game. There was more rain in the World Series game last night than that fateful game in All the Right Moves.

Jeff Garcia is the Savior

Lions quarterback Jeff Garcia returned from a major injury and led the Lions to a road victory over the Cleveland Browns. Congratulations, Detroit. Your magic number is two. Likewise, the Seahawks might have secured the NFC West with their fifth victory of the season.

No Corks Popped in Florida

A would-be champagne party in Florida ended in misery on Sunday. Not, it was not because of the impending Hurricane Wilma. Instead it was members of the 1972 Dolphins and 1976 Buccaneers that had gathered in hopes that the winless Houston Texans would defeat the undefeated Indianapolis Colts saving both teams perfect marks. The Dolphins went 14-0 in 1972, and the Buccaneers were 0-14 in 1976.

It was not to be.

"It is such a shame," so-called Dolphins legend Nick Buoniconti said. "But at least it gives us more reason to remain in the spotlight even thought the world is tired of us. And seriously, does anybody have a job for me? I’ll speak at your corporate function. I’ll work for food."

And a bottle of champagne that might not be opened this year.

Career Choices

What has gotten into Charlize Theron? It seems like she has gone out of her way to ugly herself up with roles in Monster and the newly released North Bound. Is she tired of being sexy? There has not been a career change this inexplicable since Peyton Manning decided he no longer wanted to throw touchdown passes.

But cheer up Theron fans. The African-American starlet will soon star in Aeon Flux. Coming to theaters in December.

Be sure to check out our new and improved Hater Nation forums by clicking here. As John Blutarsky would say, "Come on in and post. It don't cost nothing.

And how could you argue with Bluto?

Friday, October 21, 2005

Jerry Rice Joins Ranks With Canseco

Jerry Rice has decided to join the long line of former greats that soiled their careers with faulty post-career decisions. Magic Johnson had the Magic Hour. Larry Bird had his McDonalds commericals and his horrific cameo in Blue Chips. Or Isaiah Thomas had his handling of the CBA, the Pacers, and the New York Knicks.

Rice will join Karl Malone, Jennie Finch and other athletes that cannot stay out of the spotlight who will compete against average fans in a new reality show. "Pros vs. Joes," which will air in 10 one-hour episodes on Spike TV starting in April, will feature contestants competing against each other and 19 famous sports figures in a variety of reality-show challenges and real sporting events - everything from football to ice skating.

Take that Survivor.

Spike TV grabbed two sporting legends and some softball chick for their crappy network. Survivor is the top-rated reality show in the world and the best they could manage is Gary Hogeboom. Crossing Over with John Edwards, however, was able to contact the ghost of Don Hutson—the greatest NFL player of all-time, so score board.

Rice said that he was looking forward to the challenge and did not believe that it would negatively impact his image.

“I got caught in a whore house, do you think I could make anything worse,” Rice said.

Seriously, why is Jennie Finch popular?

Finch is an average looking chick at best, mainly a creation of ESPN. The girl looks like an alien as her eyes are spread too far apart. Finch is the kind of person you would cast if you wanted an ugly version of Pamela Anderson. But Finch is elevated because she played sport. As my friend, Mikey Two Beers, likes to point out, she is a “cheeseburger in a fat farm.” A cheeseburger might be just an average cheeseburger, but put it in front of a bunch of dieting heifers and it is the most attractive looking food in he world and people will fight over it.

Danica Patrick, Summer Sanders, Jeanie Zelasko, Misty May, and Mandy Beard are among those that fall into this category. Even a liquored up Joe Namath would not find these girls hot. These girls are considered hot if you bunk with Ted Kaczynski in a one-bedroom in Idaho. Maybe Finch would be considered hot if your CD collection includes an entire catalog of Barbara Streisand. Maybe she would be considered hot if you trolled for girls with Matt McNamara from Nip/Tuck.

Get the picture?

It is not to say that womens athletics is devoid of hot girls. Gabby Reece is hot. LPGA babe Natalie Gulbis is hot. Soccer star Amy Warner is hot. Dancer Kelly Monaco is hot. And yes, ballroom dancing is a sport—just ask Matt Leinart. Tennis is filled with hot babes. Of course, neither of them are the Williams sisters.

Lets go through the list. Finch is considered hot because she plays sports. Maria Sharapova is a hot girl that plays tennis. See the difference?

Sue Bird is considered hot because she plays sports. Lokelani McMichael is a hot girl that competes in tri-athlons.

Do we need to go on here? You are all probably saying yes, but this site is not Sports By Brooks. Go look up sports babes yourself. If you do not want to weigh in on this subject on the message boards, go find yourself a sewing circle. Otherwise give your thoughts on our brand new message boards by clicking here. Alright, there might be more pictures of girls there later.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

What's Up For Week 7?

The NFL finally admitted today that is mishandled the Saints situation without actually putting out a fake press release from Brian Gooberman. Actually the league did not admit its mistake with any words, but rather its reaction to Hurricane Wilma.

The Dolphins and Chiefs will play Friday night as the league moved up the game from Sunday in anticipation of Wilma. But why not move the game to Kansas City and play on Sunday or Monday night? Why not put up a few banners, paint the end zone aqua and orange, and call it a Miami home game? Why not put on a fake telethon and have Kanye West announce that Paul Tagilabue does not care about Cuban people?

Why? Because it is a stupid idea. Moving a game to Kansas City would only be an unfair advantage for the Chiefs. But of course, not for the Giants who were the beneficiaries earlier this season.

Why is nobody more outraged by this?

The league also will start the game at 4 p.m. Pacific Time. So in other words, the league has no problem forcing fans to stay up way past midnight on a Tuesday morning. But they will get you to bed nice and early on Friday night.

You know, the night when people could stay up late.

The league said that it was starting the game early so it would not compete with high school football. Yet, the league had no problem starting the NFL season on a Thursday night when yours truly was covering a high school game.

Are the Saints marching to San Antonio?

The Saints are playing in a crappy dome, in front of disinterested fans and a rows and rows of empty seats. It is like they never left New Orleans. The only thing New Orleans has over San Antonio is the “Beer Looter Dude.” The more pressing question might be where are the VooDoo going to play in 2007? The club already has canceled its 2006 Arena Football League season. AFL commissioner David Baker does not care about the Beer Looter Dude.

How stupid do you feel if you passed on Shaun Alexander to draft Peyton Manning in your fantasy football draft?


What is the impact of Tedy Bruschi coming back to the NFL?

It sure must ruin Manning’s day. The whole thing is like the Vince McMahon and Stone Cold Steve Austin saga in the WWF. McMahon was on television recently flaunting Austin’s retirement only to be stunned by Austin’s arrival in the building. It is a shock that Bruschi did not show up to Colts practice this week just to harass a befuddled quarterback. This feud cannot end until Manning is laid up in a hospital with a leg injury and Bruschi shows up to beat him with a bedpan.

It will be a slobber-knocker as Jim Ross likes to say.

Are the Broncos for real at 5-1?

Sure. The Broncos have started 5-1 over the past couple of seasons and have zero playoff wins to show for it. With this many meaningless regular season victories and playoff defeats, there is no more further proof the Mike Shanahan once coached the Raiders.

How about a Survivor update?

Our man, Gary Hogeboom, was given immunity from one of the gay guys. Another gay guy and some annoying woman were voted out of the jungle.

You can discuss this further at our revamped message boards by clicking here.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

NBA Cancels Casual Fridays

The league announced in a memo to teams on Monday that a minimum dress code will go into effect at the start of the regular season on Nov. 1. Players will be expected to wear business casual attire whenever they participate in team or league activities, including arriving at games, leaving games, conducting interviews and making promotional or other appearances.

Players will no longer be able to wear:
• Sleeveless shirts
• Shorts
• T-shirts
• Sunglasses while indoors.
• Headphones (other than on the team bus or plane, or in the team locker room).
• Chains, pendants, or medallions worn over the player's clothes.

The move not only angered many of the players. It also irritated one of the biggest fans of the NBA, Mr. T.

"I pity the fool that would make such a foolish judgment," Mr. T said. "There is nothing wrong with have a little bling around your neck. It makes you look classy. And sleeves on T-shirts? Who wears clothes like that? Mr. T has made a living on violating every item in this dress code. There is nothing wrong with throwing on a sleeveless T-shirt, along with a pair of shorts, and some chains that weigh more than Steve Nash. I pity the fool who says that it is.

"This is a bad move by the NBA and especially David Stern. I have only one prediction for him … Pain!"

Added rapper and NBA supporter Kanye West, "David Stern does not care about black people or their cool throwback jerseys."

Stern did however say that players could wear Hawaiian shirts and jeans on Fridays.
You can discuss this further at our revamped message boards by clicking here.

Ask a Raiders Fan

This is a new feature where we can really get into the mind of a Raiders fan. We would like to keep making fun of the Raiders fans ourselves, but these guys really do all of the heavy lifting for us. These quotes are actually remarks from Raiders fans that we have found on various message boards. (All poor grammar and misspellings have not been corrected. Not that it makes it different from anything else that is printed here.)

Is there a conspiracy against the Raiders?

I can't be the only one who sees this, but as long as Al Davis owns the raiders we will not win. It's nothing against Mr. Davis it's just that Paul Tagliabu and the NFL hate him, because Al is always suing them. Here are the reasons to back up my claim.

1.) Scheduling this year- we were 5-11 last year and yet we open on the road this year the first 3 games with the 2 teams that were in the Superbowl. That is the first time in NFL history a schedule has been configured like that we were a last place team we aren't playing last placed schedule.

2.) We lead the league in penalties every year, regardless of who the coach we have different players every year but we lead the league every year. Give me a break it's impossible that just by putting a raiders jersey on in makes you commit more penalties the refs who are employed by the nfl are instructed to watch us more closely. You could call holding on every play if you really wanted, they call it on us when ist's 3 and 10 and we hit a pass play for 15 yards but it's called back for holding. Give me a F#$#%$ break. I hate even watching the games now because I know we are going to get cheated. We have to play our opponent and the refs every week.

A couple of things here. The Chargers are in the mist of playing three consecutive teams coming off its bye week. The Patriots first four road games this season were at Carolina, Pittsburgh, Atlanta, and Denver with a home date with San Diego mixed in. Of course, both teams made the playoffs last year. Fair enough. Miami opened with two playoff teams Denver, New York Jets, and the team picked by many to win the NFC—Carolina. Yet they went 2-1, while the Raiders fans cry about conspiracy theories.

The final question should be who conspired to have the Raiders hire Norv Turner? Who conspired to have the Raiders select Robert Gallery over Ben Roethlisberger? Who conspired to have the Raiders entrust their running game to a journeyman backup? Sorry Raiders fan, you team is just terrible.

You can discuss this further at our revamped message boards by clicking here.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Norv Turner Weekly Journal

Norv Turner has agreed to write his personal journal on Turner's keen insight and football acumen will be a welcome addition to the typical nonsense that is written in this space.

What I Did During My Bye Week
By Norv Turner, as told to Lil'Hater.

They bye week came at a perfect time for us because it preceded our game with the San Diego Chargers. I treat rivalry games with the utmost respect, as evidenced by my record against the Dallas Cowboys when I was the head coach in Washington. I can count at least two times in 15 where we actually beat the Cowboys. That is right. We scored more points than those son of a guns combined in two games. So I figured that it would be good to take a look at some of the un-edited thoughts I wrote down in preparation for the Chargers game to show you what it is like to play an NFL rival. Hope you enjoy.

  • Be sure to remind journalists that I am a nice guy and therefore should not be held responsible for my team's failures. It worked for seven seasons in D.C. Only President Bush will have a longer running string of failures in Washington. Well, if he survives that long.
  • Check the NFL Record and Fact Book for "mostpenaltiess committed in one season." Prepare congratulatory remarks for when the record is broken--in week 11.
  • Two weeks is just not enough time to game-plan for the Chargers, especially with all of the great baseball on television. And I'll be damned if I'm staying up late to watch them play on Monday night. Let's just wing it, I say.
  • The Chargers must be tired after that physical match-up with the Steelers, while we'll be all rested. Let's keep it close in the first half, and then we can wear them down late in the game. Oh Norv, you are a genius!
  • Assume LT won't see much of the ball--I mean, what coach in their right mind would keep giving the ball to the team's best player?
  • Ask assistant for the name of that receiver-guy on our team. You know, the one with the afro. Boss? Hoss? That kid could be good some day, but he'll have to be a decoy this week.
  • Finish reading self-help book Don't Sweat the Details, apply lessons to special-teams, and the two-minute drill.
  • God bless Mike Tice and the Minnesota Vikings. What a blessing to have Tice as a distraction.
  • But a boat trip does sound fun. Ask SeaBass to organize chartered cruise. That should be a good team-bonding exercise.
  • How can I subtly suggest to Kerry Collins that he start drinking again?
  • Set TiVo to save Romanowski on 60 Minutes. Note to self: check to see if Michael Westbrook wants to play for us--now that guy could throw a sucker-punch to a teammate.
  • Check Al Davis' pulse. Still ticking? Damn, he's tougher than Jack Kent Cooke.

As you can tell by the game, the Chargers really fooled us by going to LT. Sure didn't see that coming. But the important thing to remember is that we beat the Chargers in the second half, 7-3. So from my math, we split the game 1-1. We should have gone into overtime to settle it, but that is the breaks.

So it was another solid week for the Raiders and our return to glory. Hope you enjoyed reading this and look forward to a long tenure at

Or message board has been remodeled! Check it out:

Houston We Feel Your Pain

The Astros, leading the seven-game series with the Cardinals 3-1, were one strike away from their first-ever World Series apperance. A hit-walk-home run later, and the series is heading back to St. Louis.

Why does this sound so familiar?

It is as if the ghost of Donnie Moore, banished from Anaheim in 2002, has now taken residence in Houston. Or maybe it was the spirit of Gene Mauch who passed away earlier this year. The Astros are one of the few teams in Major League Baseball that have never been to a World Series. The wait has just become a little bit longer. Like the Astros must do in St. Louis, the Angels played the final two games of the 1986 ALCS in Boston. "Played" might not be the right verb. The Angels looked as comfortable in those two games as Katie Holmes did during her pregnancy announcement. The Angels claim that they could still win it were about as believable, too.

The same thing will happen to the Astros. This series is done. Over. Finished. The Astros can talk about Roy Oswalt and Roger Clemens, but forget about it. You are only fooling yourself. Take it from somebody who has been there, it is over. To try to convince yourself would be foolish. It is not going to happen.

But look at the bright side. You will win the World Series ... in 16 years.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Quarterback Controversy in San Diego

It was only a matter of time. You can only have two good NFL quarterbacks on the roster for so long before one demands to be the starter. The Chargers organization knew this was coming and it all came to a head on Monday morning.

LaDianian Tomlinson finally announced that he either wants to be the starting quarterback for the Chargers, or else he will be seeking a trade.

Okay, maybe not. But could you blame him if he did?

Tomlinson ran, caught, and passed for a touchdown in the Chargers pasting of the Raiders, only the fifth time in the Super Bowl era (1966) that a player has accomplished the run-pass-catch touchdown trifecta. Tomlinson helped the Chargers improve to 3-3 and ran their win streak against the Raiders to four games for the first time since 1962—when Al Davis was walking the sidelines for the Chargers. Tomlinson, like coach Marty Schottenheimer, both seem to take great delight in walking over the Raiders.

Does anybody still think that the Chargers made the wrong move by trading down for Tomlinson a couple of years ago? Tomlinson is the best running back in the NFL right now. You might also make a case that LT might even be a better quarterback than Michael Vick. Tomlinson's two touchdown passes have him tied with Chad Pennington, and ahead of Kurt Warner and J.P. Losman—who both opened the season as starting quarterbacks. LT is only two touchdown passes away from Trent Green, Kyle Orton, Joey Harrington, Daunte Culpepper, Aaron Brooks, and David Carr.


Beating the Raiders is not what it used to be. But it is still a lot of fun. The only downfall is that the Raiders fans are already acting like beaten dogs, while rolling over for opposing team fans. But we found somebody who is not ready to give up on the Raiders season on our new segment, Ask a Raiders Fan.

Today's question: Hey Raiders fan, what is going to turn around your season?

Andrew Walter. The guy reminds me so much of Peyton Manning and he can break a tackle like Culpepper.I think he is going to have a great career,watch out AFC West when he becomes our starting QB.

If you think we are making this stuff up, check here.


Eli Messiah was the second-coming a few weeks ago as he posted huge numbers in an overwhelming loss in San Diego and defeating the under-achieving St. Louis football team. Nearly ever analysis said that the Messiah was a cannot-miss-Super Star.

And then the Messiah completes only 14 of 30 passes with one interception in a loss to the Cowboys. There will be those that will point to the Messiah's game-tying touchdown drive, but so what? Who hasn't? At least Mark Brunnell eventually won the game.

Leinart Gives Credit to His Coach

Moments after Matt Leinart twisted and turned his way to victory at Notre Dame, his coach stood smiling. Leinart led the Trojans, pushed to the brink for seemingly the first time since the Pat O'Hara era, to a victory in the tall grass at Notre Dame Stadium. (And not to say that the grass was extremely tall at Notre Dame. But some veterans watching the game were having flashbacks.) Leinart woke up the echoes with a graceful pirouette and his coach was beaming all night on Saturday and well into the night on Sunday morning. Well-wishers and fans stopped by to offer the coach congratulations, a hug, or a well-earned pat on the back.

And why not, she deserved it.

"I am so, like, totally excited that Matt was able to win that game against those guys at Notre Dame," Leinart’s 21-year old ballroom dancing coach Kaitlyn said. "Like oh my, gosh. We totally could have lost that game if Mattie had not remembered those moves that I taught him. When I saw him make that first twist, I told shouted to my roommates, Catelynne, Kaetlynn, and Brittanee, saying that it was the move that I had taught him, like, just this week. It was, like, totally unbelievable."

College coaches around the country are now starting to take notice and have ordered players to now take ballroom dancing. Texas coach Mack Brown, fueling his USC-inferiority complex, already has gone on the offensive. Brown said that not only was Vince Young a much better ballroom dancer than Leinart, but he had his quarterback already working on his "jazz hands." UCLA coach Karl Dorrell, however, was a little confused and ordered his team to sign up for "polka dancing," proving once again that the Bruins are always one step behind.


Give credit to the "gutty little Bruins" for their epic victory over a great Washington State team. How does it feel to be a UCLA fan today? Nobody cares about their 21-point comeback over a very average football team. While places like the National Sports Bar in Orange were watching USC and Notre Dame, there were three fans watching the Bruins game on a watchman taped up to the wall next to the rest room.


Who was working the clock at Notre Dame Stadium, Doug Eddings?

Friday, October 14, 2005

What's Up for Week 6?

The biggest question for the week might be how the contestants on Survivor keep their teeth so white? Fourteen days in the jungle and Blake looks like he just stepped off the dentist chair.

It should be noted that among his favorite actresses are two of the most renowned beards in Hollywood; Katie Holmes and Bridget Moynihan. Take that for what you will.

But our boy "Danny Hogenbloom" is still doing well.

How come the Chargers do not go to those cool powder blue uniforms full-time?

The Chargers are 2-5 in weeks when they wear the throwbacks. Besides, we are against anything that would make Chris Berman happy.

Can the Colts make it to 6-0?

Surprisingly, yes. You would figure that we would say that the St. Louis football team is without Mike Martz, which makes them much better. Normally that would be true. But the one coach that Martz seemed to always do good against was Tony Dungy.

Who is more out of control, the Ravens or the Vikings?

Nothing says team bonding more than getting thrown in jail with a bunch of your teammates. Don’t you remember the scene from The Replacements when the fictional Washington franchise was jailed? Maybe Nate Burelson can make like Orlando Jones and lead the team in a rousing course of "I will survive." Daunte Culpepper could mix in with his "disco" touchdown dance.

It is too bad that Mike Tice will not survive the season.

But give credit to the Vikings for leaving their meltdown off the field. The Ravens problems stem from a lack of offense. It is hard to imagine that this team could still be a playoff contender if they had held on to Trent Dilfer, who incidentally will lead the Browns into Baltimore this week.

How badly are things going to end for Doug Eddings?

Things cannot end well for the home-plate umpire from Wednesday night. People like to say that Southern California sports fans are soft, but consider a couple of things here. Bill Buckner is still living. Buckner appears at autograph signings with Mookie Wilson. Donnie Moore committed suicide. Scoreboard Angels fans. To make things worse for Edding tonight, we have sold a couple of tickets to these two guys (along with a picture of the umpire):

It was reported that the Orange County Sheriffs department had officers meet Eddings at the airport to give him an export. Why? Maybe an umpire needs to get physically beaten to prove a point. Why are our tax dollars going to pay to protect this guy? If he is that fearful, have him hire his own security team. Taxpayers should not be required to protect somebody that is extremely incompetent at their job.

Then again, taxpayers pay for secret service protection of President Bush, so there you go.

Betting Scandal Rocks Notre Dame

Not since the days of Paul Hornung disgracing the NFL has a gambling scandal hit close to Notre Dame. It has been confirmed that a high-ranking Notre Dame official has been caught, not only betting on Saturday's game against the University of Southern California, but betting on the Trojans.

Students, fans, players, and administrators were upset to learn today that Touchdown Jesus was betting on USC. Not only betting on the Trojans, but laying the points, too. Calls to the deity were not returned on Friday morning, but a source close to the situation confirmed that Touchdown Jesus had laid a big number for USC.

"It is true," an anonymous source said. "If it should be clear to anybody, it should be clear to him that USC has too much talent to overcome Notre Dame"

But what about all of the Catholics that will feel let down?

"To be truthful, he is actually a Presbyterian."


The scandal already has started to hurt Notre Dame financially. Coach Charlie Weis said that he has heard from many parents of recruits that are concerned. But more importantly, Weis was dropped as the Round Table Pizza spokesman.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Last and Ten

Did you know that Cuba Gooding Jr. has signed on to play Fred Smoot in the new movie, Boat Trip II: Vikings Team Cruise.

A new Last and Ten list has been created (on the left) in honor of the Vikings. The Last and Ten archive list also has a new home, here. You can even add your own quips in the comments section. You know you want to.

Raiders Need to Regroup After Bye

You can lose a lot of momentum during the bye week.

Just ask the Oakland Raiders.

Raiders players admitted on Wednesday afternoon that the bye week took a little something away from them. Most players conferred that they were a little jealous that the Baltimore Ravens had committed 21 penalties on Sunday, stealing the Raiders thunder. Or that the Minnesota Vikings made the Raiders bye week look like a week at Disney compared to their sex-cruise. Or what about Kyle Orton (picture)? Was it that long ago that Kenny Stabler was a drunken quarterback lout in a bar? When a Raiders bye week meant that somebody is going to jail?

Where are the Raiders that we used to know? They are just a mediocre football team instead of the bad boys of the NFL they used to be.

"I remember when I was the guy that would walk out of jail, drunk off my ass and smoking cigars," quarterback Kerry Collins said. "But do you want to know what I did during the bye week? I went to (expletive) Ikea. I was putting together a (expletive) dresser."

Raiders legends of the past are too ashamed to associate with this new breed of Raiders who embrace losing over losing brain cells during late night binges. Even go-to guys such as kicker Sebastian Janikowski has not been busted for trying to pass of ecstasy pills or the date-rape drug in a long time. And you can see the affect it has had on its game. Janikowski has missed four field goal attempts this season.

Guys like Collins believe that is no coincidence.

"You could always count on Sebastian showing up for a game, eyes as big as saucers, a rapid heart beat, and sweaty palms," Collins said. "And he would not miss a kick. Now he is at home by 11 p.m. and he sucks."

Many had hoped that an infusion of malcontents such as Randy Moss would have a positive influence on the team, but no such luck. Moss seems content to catch his one touchdown a game and not care about anything else. Not only has Moss stayed out of jail, he has not even called out his quarterback publicly for his inability to get him the football. Moss leaves the Vikings and they become bigger bad boys.

Even Warren Sapp has mellowed. A local high school coach made eye contact with Sapp recently and the bully defensive tackle did not try to get him thrown out of the practice facility.

What in the name of the Tooze is going on here?

The only Raiders spending time in jail these days are former Raiders such as Barrett Robbins. It should come as no surprise that the club has not spent any days in first place since 2003. It is a sad day for the Raiders when your most prototypical Raider is a former kicker, such as Cole Ford.

"It comes to a point where you have to question those guys making personnel decisions," one player said. "It has been how many years and we still have not replaced a guy like Daryl Russell. You cannot lose character guys such as Russell, Robbins, and Ford, guys who exemplified what the Raiders stood for and still expect to be the Raiders."

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

How Well Do You Know Your Signs?

What is this umpire trying to signal in this picture below?

If you answered "safe," you are correct. And Major League Baseball might be contacting you in the near future to umpire some playoff baseball games. What is the umpire signaling in the next picture?

If you answered "out," out you are wrong. It means that it is time to jingle A.J. Pierzynski's base balls.

All jokes aside here. Remember that the game was tied in the ninth. There was no evidence that the Angels were ever going to score another run. The White Sox took advantage of their opportunities to score, pushing across two unearned runs. The Angels did not take advantage of theirs--a point that Mike Scioscia made during his press conference. Catcher Josh Paul also could have made the tag. But it is over, time to move on.

To harp on the play would be a Yankees thing to do.

Still, that should not stop the first Angels batter to strike out on Friday from running down to first base. Especially if the catcher clearly catches the baseball.

UPDATE: We said that we are going to turn the page on this. We have some Raiders and Irish hating to do still. But if you want to see some complete break downs of this situation, we suggest LA Seitz of Chicago. Here is another good site to show that Doug Eddings is a complete liar, The Chronicles of the Lads.

Angels Manager Preaches Routine

Angels manager Mike Scioscia is known as a creature of habit. But he might have gone too far with his latest move. The Angels skipper ordered his team on to a plane following Tuesday night’s, 3-2, victory over the host Chicago White Sox. The plane flew over the Midwest all night as the Angels slept on board.

"We have come too far this season to switch things up right now," Scioscia said. "We won the past two games after we spent all night on a plane. So we are going to continue to do the things to keep us successful."

Some of the players, looking forward to actually sleeping in a bed, were taken back by the ploy. But the team bought into their manager’s message and did not question it.

"When Mike tells you to do something you do it," no nonsense first baseman Darin Erstad said. "If he wanted me to spend the night in a shark tank, I would do it. But that is just me, I am a winner that does what his manager asks.

"I would be a Yankee if I wasn't."

The Angels will face the White Sox in Game 2 of the American League Championship Series on Wednesday night.

Other ALCS News:

Ratings on the East Coast appeared to drop because of the disappearance of the Yankees and Red Sox. Said one East Coast baseball fan: "Those guys use their gloves. How boring is that?"

New TV show pitch: Look for Mike Tice to star as Captain Stubbing in the a remake of the popular 1970s television show, The Love Boat. Dude is going to need to make money somehow since he will be fired before he can scalp Super Bowl tickets.

Helen Hunt in going to sue somebody: Quarterback Princess in real life.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

A-Rod: "I Played Like a Dog."

Yeah, a female dog.

But that could apply to the entire Yankees roster when it comes to playing the Angels. Yankees fans are quickly looking for excuses. Some blame the umpires (at least Cano did not slap at the ball like some choking infielder). Others will call out A-Rod for being an incredible postseason fraud and the biggest postseason disappointment since Dave Winfield.

The simplest explanation is that the Angels own the Yankees.

Every time Hulk Hogan wrestles, his opponent—be it Greg "The Hammer" Valentine, Don Muraco, or King Kong Bundy—will get the Hulkster in a headlock. The referee will lift Hogan's arm up twice to check on our hero and his arm will fall limply to the mat. Just when you think the match is over, the referee will lift Hulk's arm for the third and final time. Only this time Hogan will hold his arm up defiantly, with his index finger raised to the sky. You know at that point that a Hulk Hogan comeback is inevitable and there is nothing the "heel" can do to stop him. The match is over.

That is what it is like to watch the Yankees take a lead on the Angels. There is no reason to worry because at some point, the hero (in this case the Angels) is going to make the villain look completely foolish and cruise to victory.

The Angels didn't even need to go to the metal folding chair.

Other Angels News

Owner Artie Moreno announced that he was changing the team's name to the Chicago Angels of Anaheim, meaning the club will open the playoffs at home Tuesday night.

No mention of the Angels actually defeating the Yankees on Monday night. Most papers--especially on the East Coast--said that the Yankees beat themselves. Though we do not know why the papers were reporting on Derek Jeter and A-Rod's after party.

Heard that the Chargers lost a close game on Monday Night. So much for allowing A-Rod to call the first play of the game for San Diego.

Fan Blamed for Yankees Loss

The Yankees are never short of excuses when it comes to losing. Perennial chokers such as Alex Rodriguez were quick to point to those bully umpires, the double-play rule, and baseball's instance that most of the guys that hit must also play the field. But the team reached an all-time low when it blamed local Yankees fan Anthony Vitaglia for the loss. Vitaglia had worn his lucky Yankees jersey (pictured right) all year, but mistakenly left it at home for the deciding game five. The Yankees were undefeated in games where Vitaglia wore his lucky jersey.

"I work hard all year to make it to this point and it is disappointing to have it end with something like this," Rodriguez said. "There is a responsibility to being a fan and this guy just blew it. How do you forget something like your lucky jersey? It just does not make sense."

"My body is like a chemistry set with all of the HGH, clears, and creams I have taken or applied," first baseman Jason Giambi said. "I put my body in a long-term risk and this guy goes out and blows our whole series. It is unbelievable."

Vitaglia was unavailable for comment but his friends—known only as Vinny, Vinny, and Tony—echoed the sentiments of Yankees players who could not believe that Vitaglia showed up to the Yankees game without his lucky jersey. All three said that it was inexcusable and doubted whether they could all be friends again.

They also said that he was kind of a loud-mouth douche bag, too, so he will not be missed.

"This loss stings the worst, even more so than 2002," manager Joe Torre said. "I felt that we had a pretty good ball club and had all of the pieces in place to make a run at this thing. But when I looked up in the stands and saw that Anthony did not have his lucky jersey, well I was just stunned. How do you expect my players to go on and play a game in a situation like that?"

Vitaglia is believed to now be in a fan-relocation project, similar to the one Steve Bartman went through years ago in Chicago.

Selig Disappointed by Outcome

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig was visibly shaken moments after the Angels eliminated the New York Yankees from the American League Divisional Series. Selig said that he was upset that his two marquee franchises were eliminated from the playoffs and worried that people will not tune in to see two teams that rely on good pitching, defense, and timely hitting to play baseball.

"It is one of the unique things about the playoffs," Selig said. "But we will now try to make due with two small market teams playing in the American League Championship series. With two small towns such as Chicago and Los Angeles playing for the title, I just don’t know if there will be enough folks interested."

Selig said that he was going to organize an American League East championship series, because "There is no way that anybody could ever tire of watching the Yankees and Red Sox."

Monday, October 10, 2005

Lil' Hater's Breaking News

ST LOUIS The St. Louis Football Team, in a shocking early-season development, has announced that head coach Mike Martz will step down immediately from his post of six years, to be replaced by deceased television personality Redd Foxx.

Citing the need to recover from a mysterious heart ailment, Martz leaves the team with a 56-36 career record, including a loss in Super Bowl XXXVI, where he was widely credited for being totally out-coached by the Patriot’s Bill Belichick. Martz also will be remembered as being the only coach who could shut down Marshall Faulk in his prime. He will be leaving the keys of the once-good St. Louis Football Team, formerly known as the “The Greatest Show on Turf” in the hands of Foxx, who comes into the league with no NFL head coaching experience.

Much like Martz.

When asked why the St. Louis football team would not go for an established NFL head coach, team President John Shaw said, "Yeah, because look how well that worked out for the Raiders and Norv Turner."

The appointment of Foxx, best known as junk dealer Fred G. Sanford, star of 1970’s TV hit Sanford & Son, comes as a shock to the NFL establishment, akin to the Cowboy’s hiring of Barry Switzer in the late 90’s. The fact that Sanford & Son’s main plot line involved Foxx faking a heart attack each week also is seen as curious.

"I assumed that Martz was using the heart-illness as an excuse, to deflect criticism for his poor play calling, utter uselessness in exploiting the Coach's Challenge Rule, and shoddy man-management skills," said CBS football analyst Boomer Esiason. "And now the trend is likely to continue with Foxx.

"Frankly, I think the Georgia Frontiere is trying to hide their poor organizational skills by using the heart-issue to garner sympathy. My advice to the new coach would be, ‘Stay away from the swimming pool, Redd!’”

Others are not so sure the move won't work out, however.

"In Sanford & Son, Foxx portrayed a stubborn, argumentative antiques and junk dealer, whose dopey money-making schemes routinely backfired, and created more troubles,” noted Fox's Howie Long. "So basically, he has all the same characteristics of Martz, right down to a tee. I mean, did you see that wacky decision to run a reverse on the Giant’s 10-yard line the other week? Jesus. And is there a real difference between an antiques dealer and a being 76-year-old Marshall Faulk’s coach?

"The fact that Redd Foxx can’t come up with a stupid game plan, and make up plays that gets his QB beaten to a pulp every week is actually likely to help."

Foxx's first press conference with local media was cut short this afternoon. After a question over whether the Rams would run a 4-3, or 3-4 defense, Foxx stumbled about the media room, clutching his chest, while calling out to his deceased Sanford & Son wife, Elizabeth.

"This is the big one ... I'm comin' to join ya, honey," Foxx said, concluding remarks.

"That's the same damn thing Martz said when we questioned his replay challenge in the first play of the year," noted a confused Esiason.

Editor's Note: Opinions expressed in this column are soley those of Lil' Hater. This is not so much a disclaimer to our readers as much as it is to the Lord when he starts aiming those lightning bolts.

Keyshawn Johnson: NFL Man of the Year

Leave it to Keyshawn Johnson to mar a convincing Cowboys victory over the rival Eagles. Instead of celebrating a considerable route, Cowboys players must take sides and offer explanations why Johnson, well, started acting like a Johnson.

Quarterback Drew Bledsoe and Johnson got into a heated discussion after the enigmatic receiver fumbled to give the Eagles its only touchdown of the game in a 33-10 victory. The lesson here is that Johnson does not want to talk about his failures on the field.

"I am not the type of player that points fingers at anybody and I don't want them to point them at me," Johnson said. Then he immediately ripped his quarterback by saying "There are situations where balls are bounced at you and you don't say anything."

Unless Keyshawn was talking about his last date (just saying), it sounds like he was pointing a finger at his quarterback. It would not be the first time that the non-finger pointing Johnson pointed a finger at his teammates.

Johnson referred to teammate Wayne Chrebet as a "mascot" during his famed Throw Me the Damn Ball tantrum/book. Johnson also said that Chrebet was a "flashlight," while he was a "star."

Johnson ripped into his Tampa Bay teammates—and most notably Warren Sapp—after a playoff loss in 2002 by saying that most of his teammates need to do less talking and more playing.

Johnson called Buccaneers coach Jon Gruden a two-faced (expletive) last year.

Johnson referred to former Buccaneers teammate Rhonde Barber as an "Uncle Tom."

Dude even blamed Pam Oliver for something. So it is clear that Keyshawn is the type of guy that points fingers at others. Only Bill Parcells would continue to put up with this guy’s antics as he is back to his non-touchdown catching ways.

Couple we would like to see: There should be a union of Omorosa and Keyshawn. Two me-first, camera (epletives) who would become the hallmark for media whoring couples.

T.O. green-eyed with envy: Eagles receiver Terrell Owens said that he was jealous of the relationship that Bledsoe and Johnson shared.

"It seemed like lifetime ago that I was calling out Donovan for being a (expletive) and acting like I was a complete a-hole," Owens said.

Nobody disrespects Brady and the Patriots. Quarterback Tom Brady suffered the first meltdown of his career last week when he lashed out at the Chargers and coach Marty Schottenheimer. Obviously he must have still been loopy from all of those hits. But the Boy Wonder led the Patriots to a victory on Sunday thanks to Mike Vick having the afternoon off and the foot of Adam Vinatieri bailing him out again.

So the temper tantrum (that seems to be going around these days) worked and it proved one thing: Nobody puts Baby in a corner.

Thought of the day: Brady is Jim Kelly without Vinatieri. Only Kelly is the guy you would want to party with. Trust us.

Madman: Jets kicker Mike Nugent missed two more field goal attempts this weekend. It is tough to make a kick when you have a stranglehold around your neck.

Tampa Bay in need of a mechanic. Give Cadillac Williams the rookie of the year award right now because the Bucs cannot win without him. Brian Griese looks like Johnny Unitas with him in the lineup and Johnny Walker without him.

Not to go Sports Dork on all of you, but has their ever been a more unlikely pair of actors cast as football players than Anthony Michael Hall and Robert Downey, Jr.? Was there ever a role more suited for William Zabka?

Can you believe? The Raiders have not lost in two weeks?

The Raiders were there in spirit. When in the name of Lyle Alzado got into the Baltimore Ravens this week as they were flagged 21 times in a 35-17 loss to the Lions. Two Ravens players Terrell Suggs and B.J. Ward were both tossed for acting like Raiders. It as if Al Davis spirit had come back from the dead to inhabit the body of Brian Billick.

What, Al Davis is not dead?

The Lions, meanwhile, are on top of the NFC North with a 2-2 record and are trying to become the team with the worst offense to ever win a Super Bowl since, well, Raven (sic) in 2000.