Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Tuesday Rewind

Chargers GM A.J. Smith and coach Marty Schotteneheimer faced the music on Monday to answer questions about the inability for the Chargers two best players, LaDainian Tomlinson and Antonio Gates, to touch the ball on the final drive in Sunday's 28-24 loss to the Cowboys. The Hater Nation will read between the lines in a feature we call, "What they really meant."

Here is what Smith said: "I think if [Gates] were just on the field, just the threat would have made a difference."

What Smith meant: "I am an idiot."

Here is what Schotteheimer added: "As we reflected back on it we probably could have tried to get the ball to [Tomlinson] more than we did."

What the old ball coach meant, "I am an idiot."

Other NFL Notes

Record breaker: St. Louis coach Mike Martz set an NFL record for the quickest coaching blunder of an NFL season. St. Louis return man Chris Johnson fielded the opening kickoff while standing out of bounds at the one-yard line in the opening second of the game. Martz, of course, challenged the ruling despite in-stadium video evidence that showed that Johnson was clearly out of bounds. So it only took one second for Martz to illustrate his incompetence once again.

But hey, it is not like those timeouts are useful or anything. The non-reversal on the replay also extends Martz's record for most challenges without an overturn up to 49.

No evidence to back this up: St. Louis' special team problems are directly related to the release of kicker Remy Hamilton (right).

Instant karma: Packers receiver Javon Walker held out of training camp fearing that an injury would cut short his season and hurt his chances for a contract extension. NFL players talking about injuries should be treated like baseball players not talking about a no-hitter in progress.

News item of the day: Benched Redskins quarterback Patrick Ramsey wants to be traded? Ramsey has the self-awareness of that 40-year old guy in a dance club trying to pick up young girls. Memo to both: nobody wants you. Another reason we need to bring bring back the XFL to develop quarterbacks.

Coaching move of the week: Falcons coach Jim Mora, who sent in his nickel back to start a fight with the Eagles Jeremiah Trotter, resulting in the expulsion of both players. Brilliant. Sending somebody to "Gillooly" Terrell Owens would have been too obvious. Not to mention completely unnecessary.

Injury update: Raiders quarterback Kerry Collins missed practice on Monday because of a bruised hand. Backup Andrew Walter stepped in to overthrow Randy Moss all day.

Cheap ploy: Collins will make a $1,000 donation to Katrina victims for every touchdown pass he throws and every game the Raiders win this year. It is cool if you do not want to donate money, but do not pull a stunt like this. In related news, Mike Martz said he would donate $ 1 billion if the St. Louis football team wins the Super Bowl.

Other players have also jumped up to donate:

The Patriots will donate $1,000 every time they feel they are disrespected.

Mike Martz will donate $1,000 for every time a challenge he has made is overturned.

Kyle Boller will donate $1,000 for every game his passer rating is below 70.0.

John Madden and other announcers will donate $1,000 every time they say, "Brett Favre is having a lot of fun out there."

Peyton Manning will donate $25,000 when his team chokes in the playoffs again.

Jake Plummer promised to donate $10,000 every time he flips off the crowd at Invesco Field.

Joey Harrington promised to donate $100 every time he holds on to the ball too long.

Terrell Owens had offered $500 for every driveway sit-up he performs during his next temper tantrum.

Mike Vick will donate $1,000 for every girl he infects with gonorrhea.

Jon Gruden, Martz, and Bill Cowher have each pledged $250 they are caught mugging for the camera.

Dennis Green has promised $400 for every preseason publication that picked the Cardinals to finish in first place.

Charles Woodson will donate $500 every time he is burned for a touchdown.

Mike Tice will donate 10 percent of his sales from his allotment of Super Bowl tickets.

Priest Holmes will donate $500 for every touchdown he has screwed fantasy owners out of for accepting the running platoon in Kansas City.

The Hater Nation will donate $5 every time it lets a joke go on a little too long.

Injury update II: X-rays on Gus Ferotte's bruised right index finger were negative. Ferotte bruised his finger when he pounded the wall after a touchdown. Will he ever learn?

NEWS UPDATE

Chiefs running back Larry Johnson was arrested Monday after an altercation with his ex-girl friend on Saturday.

When asked if he had any remorse for what he had done, Johnson explained, "Dude, I ran for two touchdowns the next day. I'm going to push her again this week."

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