Friday, August 26, 2005

Tim Brown Roasted

OAKLAND Tim Brown spent his entire career trying to burn opposing cornerbacks (often to mixed results). The tables were turned on Thursday as Brown was burnt repeatedly by former players and celebrities gathered to roast the retired Raiders receiver on the eve of his induction into the Pro Football Hall of Average at the Airpot Hilton in Oakland. Brown accepted his induction earlier this summer into the Pro Football Hall of Average after a mundane career.

"I do not want to say that Tim Brown is old, but he started his playing career back when Bea Arthur was just a little boy," mused comic Jeffery Ross. "Brown was losing games before Arthur went through puberty."

It only got worse and nobody was off limits.

"Brown had the lateral movement of Terry Shiavo," offered comic Nick DiPaolo. "But he had the same personality."

"I know that Andy Dick must be straight. I just saw him hit on Tom Brady's girlfriend," said Sara Silverman. "Andy Dick also buys his clothes at the same place Terrell Owens shops."

"They say Brown would not be anything if he was not on the Raiders. That is not true, he would have been Leslie Sheppard," quipped coach Norv Turner.

Former Raiders receiver and Hall of Average charter member, Cliff Branch, hosted the event along with the master of ceremonies Bob Saget. Other C-list entertainers that shared in the festivities included Stephen Baldwin, Danny Bonaduce, Adam Carolla, Charo, Gilbert Gottfried, Kathy Griffin, and Peter Scolari among others.

The performers were upstaged by the bizarre antics of Raiders receiver Randy Moss who looked offended at some of the presenters and resorted to repeatedly flashing his manhood to the crowd. The enigmatic receiver raved about being clean and sober for years but did mention that "Drugs were on the house," which immediately captured the interest of Dolphins running back Ricky Williams.

Williams, also a roaster, started to make note of Brown's inability to win a Super Bowl title but wandered off track. "Brown was never a champion on the field and this is true. But sometimes the most important thing in life is being a champion on the inside. I cannot tell if Brown was a champion on the inside without an X-ray. But you would have to figure that a guy from Notre Dame probably likes ice cream which makes him a good guy in my book."

Brown will be inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Average prior to the Raiders and Cardinals game at the (Whatever they are calling it now) Coliseum tonight at 6 p.m. Tickets are still available.

2 comments:

Charger Ray said...

Lol! That's funny stuff man!

Scott said...

You're a riot, man.