Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Man Arrested for Impersonating Steelers Quarterbacks

And no, it was not Kordell Stewart.

Authorities said Brian Jackson, 31, dated two women by pretending to be Pittsburgh Steelers quarterbacks Ben Roethlisberger and Brian St. Pierre. Jackson, arrested Friday, was charged with criminal mischief for allegedly ruing a Steelers jersey owned by one of the women's neighbors when he signed his worthless rendition of Roethlisberger's autograph on it. The jersey was worth $75 before it was signed, police said. But seriously, that jersey is worth more now. A Jackson-signed Roethlisberger jersey would likely attract good money on eBay right now. Who would not bid on that?

The NFL is mum on whether it will ban the sale of Steelers "Jackson 7" jerseys, like the league banned Ron Mexico jerseys. (So order yours today at nflshop.com.)

In one of the scams, Jackson arrived at the women's home on July 6, gave her an autographed football and pretended to be Roethlisberger, signing the neighbor's jersey, authorities said. When she got home from their date that night, the neighbor brought her a newspaper article and told her that the man was not Roethlisberger.

Like the woman needed the newspaper article for proof. If, by looking at the picture above, you cannot tell that Jackson was not a physically gifted athlete, then the victim deserves what she gets. And who was this idiot neighbor who let this oaf sign the jersey?

Dude, if you are going to impersonate a football player, say you are an Arena League player because at least nobody would a.) Figure that you would lie about that or 2.) Nobody knows what an average Arena Leaguer looks like. He could have said that he was Avengers kicker Remy Hamilton and nobody would have known.

This story has set an uneasy precedent with the club culture, where lying to girls is commonplace. Police are cracking down on posers all over Pittsburgh who brag about sexual prowess, athletic feats, and monetary wealth. One old man was arrested for claiming to have played basketball for Cal State Fullerton in the 1960s, in an episode that authorities labeled as "just plain sad."

Jackson pretended to be St. Pierre, the third-string quarterback, when he met a woman last September and told her to watch Steelers game so she could see him when he went into the game, police said. When the woman did watch a Steelers game, she saw the real Brian St. Pierre on screen and realized that Jackson was an imposter. Jackson tried to explain to the woman that he looked "different" on TV. Yeah, like the camera adds 40 pounds.

Here is a rule for you guys trying to pull off this scam, do not ask the woman to look for you on television—unless, of course, you actually look like the guy. That is why we always claim to be the "fat Chandler."

BREAKING NEWS

Sports agent Drew Rosenhaus turned into a life-saver on Tuesday.

And no, he didn't get one of his clients a couple of extra bucks and a private jet on his current contract.

Rosenhaus, who represents such clients as the Philadelphia Eagles' Terrell Owens, helped save a 3-year-old boy from drowning at a pool at the Grand Floridian at Walt Disney World. Rosenhaus, a lifeguard in college, performed CPR on the boy, who did not breathe for about two minutes according to Jason Cole of the Miami Herald.

The family of the boy offered Rosenhaus a cash reward, but the super agent turned it down, calling the bounty an "insult." Rosehaus instead proposed a counter-offer to the reward, but negotations have not progressed.

BROWN FINDS PERFECT RETIREMENT PLAN

Tim Brown, who recently retired from the Raiders after nearly two decades, has shown that he is not ready to walk away from lowlife fans for good by exploring the possibility of owning a NASCAR team. The Dallas native plans to partner with Roush Racing on a team based in Charlotte, N.C., and to begin competition next year.

Raiders fans have called for officials to immediately put Brown in the NASCAR Hall of Fame.

DEMOCRATS BACK ANOTHER LOSER

Former NFL quarterback Heath Shuler plans to run for Congress. Shuler, a Democrat, said in a statement Monday that he has filed papers with the Federal Election Commission that clear the way for him to run next year in the 11th Congressional District for the U.S. House seat held by Republican Charles Taylor.

Shuler's campaign took a turn for the worse on Wednesday when Gus Frerotte, who beat out Shuler for the Redskins starting quarterback spot in 1994, announced that he also would run for the same seat.

Maybe Brian Jackson could move to North Carolina and impress girls by saying he was an old, washed up quarterback running for congress.

That we could see.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Let's see ... this Brian Jackson character is stupid, fat, obviously not a QB, and was just arrested.

Yeah, he'll be taking snaps for the Raiders by November.

On the bright side, he's bound to give Janikowski some cheesy pick-up tips that don't involved date-rate drugs...

Anonymous said...

Maybe after Norv fails again as coach of the Raiders, and is mercifully fired, he can reunite with Heath for his campaign. With Norv's "genuis" play-calling abilities, I'm sure Heath will place at least 5th in the Tennessee primariy. 4th if Michael Westbrook starts punching other candidates in the face.

The following local votes are already in Heath's pocket, I've heard: Tiffany, Heather, Cody, Dylan, Dermot, Jordan,Taylor, Brittany, Wesley, Rumor, Scout, Cassidy, Zoe ("Zo"), Chloe ("Clo"), Max, Hunter, Kendall, Caitlin, Noah, Sascha, Morgan, Kyra, Ian, Lauren, Q-bert, and Phil.

Flash said...

Not Kordell Stewart? You can't steal my jokes. That's just unfair :)