Thursday, July 28, 2005

And the NFL Hated Playmakers

NFL Blitz has been known as the hardest hitting video game. Now it is setting its sights on the NFL. The league consolidated its video game library down to one title--EA Sports Madden Football--leaving other gamers, ESPN, Blitz, GameDay, and Fever without a license to use NFL marks and players.

Blitz, however, is hitting back.

The game maker teamed with former Playmakers writer Peter Egan to create Blitz: The League which features a team called the "Atlanta Redhawks" led by quarterback Ron Mexico--the infamous pseudonym used by Falcons quarterback Mike Vick. Billed as football meets Grand Theft Auto, Blitz: The League features players who cheat, gamble, and do drugs.

In other words, the gamer can experience what it is like to own the Oakland Raiders sans the white jump suit and grandmother glasses.

It is a good thing that the people of Midway (who produce the game) do not hold a grudge. The game is realistic, but it could be a little better. With the rebirth of THE LAST AND TEN from the defunct NFL Insider magazine, here are the top ten ways to make Blitz: The League more realistic.

10. The starting kicker also deals ecstasy on the side.
9. The boozed up center disappears before the biggest game of the season.
8. Rush Limbaugh criticizes you when you draft a black quarterback.
7. A wide receiver runs over a meter maid on "rookie level," but murders his pregnant girlfriend on the advanced "pro" level.
6. The star running back decides to retire to see the world and smoke pot.
5. The star quarterback must fight off rumors that he is gay.
4. The team's PR director makes a homophobic and racist sensitivity training video.
3. Your team's fans are arrested for stabbing the home team fans in San Diego.
2. A team owner is murdered by his over-the-hill, showgirl wife.

And the number one way to make Blitz: The League more realistic:
The star running back retires to shoot commercials with Alf.

These suggestions are so unrealistic, it is easy to see why the NFL would be offended. We give Blitz about a year.

NFL PENSION NOT WHAT IT USED TO BE

Former Cowboys quarterback Gary Hogeboom (or as Tom Landry said, Hogenbloom) is reported to be on the latest version of Survivor set in Guatemala. So this guy could not beat out Danny White and Steve Pelluer, but thinks he can beat out 15 other media whores?

SHALL WE DANCE?

There is still a controversy surround the ABC mid-summer hit, Dancing With the Stars. Evidentially John O'Hurley cannot believe that he was beaten by the well-endowed former Playmate on a popular soap opera, Kelly Monaco. Scandalous. But the network is making a move to ensure the integrity of the show.

THERE IS CRYING IN FOOTBALL

And it's not just the Raiders fans after another 4-12 season.

Former USC lineman Manuel Wright left Tuesday's practice in tears after being yelled at by Miami coach Nick Saban and then he missed practice on Wednesday because his feelings (or back) were hurt. A guy from USC being a big crybaby? Unprecedented.

AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Showgirls star Elizabeth Berkley turns 33 today. The world is still anxiously awaiting the sequel that was alluded to at the end of the movie.

2 comments:

Fletcher Austin McGuffin said...

I am shocked and somewhat disturbed that you stayed until the end to even see they were alluding to a sequel. Then again, I am also shocked and offended by the test patterns that TV stations run (I'm color blind), so I'm pretty sure you should take that with a grain of salt...

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