Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Prediction Time

NFL predictions seem to arrive earlier every season. Some analysts--notably Peter King of Sports Illustrated--already have made their predictions for the world to see and laugh at. Seriously, Jacksonville last year? Seattle?

The Hater Nation loves to be on the back end of a trend, so it's time for us to join the already crowded bandwagon and present the first annual Hater Nation predictions.

(In no particular order)

Randy Moss will take his first play off of the season by week three when Norv Turner mistakenly calls a play for Jerry Porter. Moss, frustrated by a slow Raiders start, will take off a play while water skiing during the bye week. ...

Kerry Collins clearly won't tuck the ball during a sack against New England during the NFL opener, but the referees will still rule it a fumble. Rioting in Oakland and Los Angeles begins immediately afterwards. A rioting Raiders fan in Los Angeles will add, "What, Kerry Collins fumbled? Oh... yeah... uh... we're rioting because of that bad call, right." ...

The tuck rule will never get old. ...

The Tom Brady "tuck" play will be shown at least ten times during the season opener. It will be mentioned once every seven plays during the broadcast. ...

John Madden, proving to the world that he becomes increasingly unfunny ever year, will draw a diagram of the tuck, and add two duck and chicken legs to the circle. ...

Collins will being to resemble the Kerry Collins of old by week four in Dallas. Not in a drunken redneck, let's go start a fight with one of my black teammates kind of way. But in an overthrow a wide-open Randy Moss for a touchdown kind of way. Moss will immediately call Daunte Culpepper to gauge his interest in joining the Raiders. Coach Norv Turner, returning to Dallas, will call Troy Aikman to gauge his interest in joining the Raiders. ...

At some point during the season, the Raiders will call in Bill Romanowski to have a one-on-one consultation with Collins. ...

The Raiders season will take a turn for the better in Cleveland during week 15 when Turner signs up Collins to take motorcycle lessons from Kellen Winslow II. ...

Turner will remind Washington fans why he was fired after he head butts the wall against the Redskins in week 11. Turner will remind Dolphins fans why they were happy to see him go to Oakland after the Raiders lose to the Dolphins, 9-6 in week 12. Turner will explain during the post-game press conference that he thought Dave Wannstedt was still the coach, so he spent the week partying in South Beach with Barrett Robbins. ...

Turner will call both Daniel Snyder and Nick Saban to gauge their interest in an obsolete offensive coordinator. ...

Moss will give his one, and only, all-word performance of the season when matched up against Terrell Owens in week three. The winner will immediately ask for a new contract. Freddie Mitchell will claim that he's better than both receivers. ...

The Raiders and Chiefs will battle to a 65-62 thriller in week 9. Mitchell's line during that game--1 reception for 8 yards. ...

Lamont Jordan will select jersey number 34 in an effort to remind Raiders of the Bo Jackson days. The only problem is that Jordan reminds the fans of post-hip surgery Jackson. ...

The Raiders continue to have nightmares at Jack Murphy Stadium, getting run off the field by the Chargers in week 13 like it was Super Bowl XXXVII. But the Raiders still win the battle of fan arrests. ...

A fan in a Raiders jersey will be featured on an episode of COPS by the third episode of the season. Even money says that the fan is actually Robbins, Cole Ford, or Todd Marinovich. ...

Sebastian Janikowski will be detained on supiscion of ecstasy possession, but will be let go when it's discovered that he's only holding allergy pills. When asked if he was relieved, Janikowski said, "Are you kidding me? I paid $20 a hit for that." ...

The Broncos defeat the Raiders which prompts Turner to ask in a press conference, "We lost to a team quarterbacked by Jake Plummer?" Broncos fourth receiver Jerry Rice declares--after torching the Raiders for 8 receptions for 110 yards and a touchdown-- that he could play another five years if he exclusively played against the Raiders. ...

Don't want to say that the Raiders defense is bad, but its the only defense the LA District Attorney's office could defeat. ...

Former ASU quarterback Andrew Walter steps in for Collins at some point during the season and shows that he is indeed the next Jake Plummer, as he throws three interceptions. ...

At least Plummer took his team to the Rose Bowl. ...

Warren Sapp misses a portion of training camp, filming the pilot of his new series, Fat Lineman, co-starring Kristie Alley. Sapp misses another week during the season when the stoned defense tackle eats four tubs of lintament (Ben Gay), before realizing that it's not ice cream.

He only eats two more tubs after that. ...

The Raiders don't lose to the Bills in week 7 by 48 points, like the 1990 AFC Championship Game. Turner calls that progress. ...

Justin Fargas will retire from the NFL to take up the family business--being unemployed and trying to cash in on former fame. ...

Moss will decide that only taking a play off here and there doesn't do any good. He instead starts to take off entire series. He barely shows up for games at the end of the season. Turner calls Chuck Bednarik to gauge his interest on playing for the Raiders. ...

Eventually, even Moss' posse is embarrassed to wear Raiders clothing. ...

The Raiders will defeat the Titans in front of 10,000 fans in week 8 to show how much the league has changed since the 2002 AFC Championship Game. The Raiders will improve to 2-5 on the season. Fans believe that this is the game that will mark the turnaround to the team's season. Moss will confess in a post-game press conference that it is a refreshing change from Minnesota where the team would start out hot and choke down the stretch. ...

Collins and Giants quarterback Eli Messiah will combine to throw 12 interceptions in the season finale. The Raiders win, 2-0, when Michael Strahan returns an interception the wrong way. Strahan will explain in a post-game press conference that he's sometimes lost on the field when Brett Favre isn't there to lay down and show him the way. ...

The Raiders win the final game of the season, and fans believe that their team is going to the Super Bowl. The Raiders finish 4-12. ...

Turner will say that he only wants to point out the positives, noting that Collins did not thrown an interception in weeks 5-8. Collins missed those games when he got drunk and punched out a fan for saying that he was no Marc Wilson. ...

Al Davis will fire Turner, recruit more "over-the-hill" players to Oakland, but the Raiders will be headed for another disappointed off-season.

1 comment:

Bill German said...

tom is the man